View source for Faggot

{{Christianwarning}}[[File:Bassoons.jpg|150px|thumb|A pair of faggots. Ugh.]]
A '''faggot''' is a woodwind instrument in the double reed [[family]], used to play [[music]] written in the [[bass]] and tenor registers and occasionally even higher, apart from when they have those really annoying squeaky put-on voices sometimes that just put my [[teeth]] on edge.

I'm as [[liberal]] as the next person, but it just doesn't seem [[natural]] to choose to be a faggot player.  Because it ''is'' a choice, and don't let them tell you any different - they could have picked up any instrument in that music shop, but what did they choose?  Not a [[drum]] kit or something manly like a [[trumpet]], that's for sure.

Due to the complicated [[finger]]ing and the problem of reeds, the faggot is one of the more difficult instruments to learn; schoolchildren typically take up the faggot only after starting on another easier instrument.  Which means they're perfectly [[happy]] when they're kids, and then suddenly they get lured off into ''that'' life.  I mean what more proof do you need?

The modern faggot is generally made of [[wood|maple]].  Faggots are normally [[brown]] in color, and it's just filthy - like they're playing with [[shit]], isn't it?  They stick them in each others'... well I just don't want to think about it, okay?

==Construction==
[[File:Bassoon diagram.png|thumb|100px|left|He makes me so angry!  Sometimes I'd just like to disassemble ''him''!]]
The faggot disassembles into six main pieces, including the reed.  But he didn't think how many pieces I'd be in when I found out, did he?  He just marched right in and told me, and when I told him he was [[wrong]] he acted like it was my fault.

The reed (1) is held in the [[mouth]], and goodness knows what else he's been putting in there.  This is attached to the bocal (or crook) (2) which is [[gay|bent]], like my fucking [[boy|son]] just told me he is for fuck's sake.  The wing (or tenor) joint (3) extends down to the [[butt]] (4), and oh my god, I used to bathe his butt for him when he was a kid, and maybe all this ''is'' my fault, which is linked by the long (or bass) joint (5) to the [[bell]] (6).  And I don't want to think where he's putting ''that''.

===Tone holes===
But don't they know what comes out of there?  Are they really that goddamn [[stupid]]?  Umm, I mean the [[hole]]s get all gunked up with stuff after they've been playing for a while and they have to stop and wipe it away so it doesn't start making awful squelching noises.  [[Sick|Disgusting]].

===Reed===
Faggots are double-reeded, which means they probably [[bisexual|swing both ways]] when no-one is looking.  I mean if I ever caught one of them looking at my [[wife]], I'd show him where he could stick his instrument.  And he'd probably enjoy it, too.

==Modern ensembles==
{{Wikipediapar|Bassoon|Faggots}}
Faggots gather in "Faggot groups" to play with each other - sometimes they make really disgusting noises; I know because I heard some of them by accident one time and there were these weird low noises that really [[sick]]need me.  And they're all like completely [[pride|proud]] of being faggots... umm, players, they just strut around telling people about it and trying to convert them all from playing normally... on [[straight]] instruments like [[clarinet]]s and [[flute]]s.  Not the [[saxophone]], that's always seemed a bit [[fruit]]y to me.

==Popularity with women==
[[File:Bassoon group.jpg|thumb|200px|A group of fucking faggots... umm, players.]]
Women are allowed to play at faggots, but not when they're the kind of [[lesbian|dykes]] who don't shave their legs and look all gross - they have to be hot women puckering their lips around their faggot, then it's okay and I don't even mind watching a group of them.  See, it's not like I'm intolerant or anything!  And what does he say when I tell him that?  He says ''I'' make ''him'' sick!

==Tone==
The instrument is known for its distinctive tone color, wide range, variety of character, and agility. Its warm, dark, reedy timbre has often been compared to that of a [[male]] baritone voice.  He could even have joined the [[sing|choir]], for fuck's sake - you get male voice choirs in [[Wales]] who worked in the Pits - real manly men, not faggot-playing [[sissy|sissies]].

==History==
[[File:Woman with bassoon.png|160px|thumb|left|Phwoar! That's more like it!]]
He says it's all perfectly natural, he says people have been playing faggots for centuries.  Well okay, so maybe when this "Jacques-Martin Hotteterre" invented the faggot he decided he was going to do that sort of thing in the [[17th century]], but they were all filthy buggers back then, weren't they?  This is modern times, and we have [[video]]s you can watch if you find yourself thinking along those lines.  Uhh... I mean videos of [[rock]] music, or even a good brass band.  

I mean how am I supposed to tell my mates this? "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm no longer allowed to shout at [[gays|queers]] because beginning in the early Rococo era, composers such as Haydn, J.C. [[Bach]], Sammartini and Stamitz included parts that exploited the faggot for its unique color, rather than for its perfunctory ability to double the bass line." We ''need'' people in the bass line. It's bad enough that [[women]] get to slag us off these days without our own sons turning against us. He says he's not against me, but right now, I feel like everybody is. I don't know what to think. I can't look at anybody anymore without wondering what kind of reed they're [[blowjob|blowing]].

==Technique==
[[File:Children and bassoon.jpg|thumb|right|Corrupting our kids!]]
He told me he's seeing [[someone]], and I wanted to go over and punch the fucker's lights out for doing that to my [[boy]], my kid.  I've got all these fucking images in my head of this huge [[orchestra]] of faggots making a right old racket, like I heard when I got trapped in that toilet in [[Brighton]] that time - I couldn't open the door for hours and I just sat there and shook, and then I went home to my boy and I'd never let him use a public toilet again.

He says he met this other faggot guy on the [[Internet|net]] and they met up, and they're really more of a duet than an orchestra.  I don't know what to think.

The faggot is held diagonally in front of the player and cannot easily be supported by the player's [[hand]]s alone.  The most common means of [[help|support]] is a neck-strap or shoulder-harness attached to the top of the boot joint.  I remember when he was just a kid and I used to carry him in a shoulder strap.  I kept it up until my back nearly broke, but he just kept growing and I couldn't support him forever.  I still want to carry him, I guess.

At approximately 3 kilograms and considerable [[length]] even when packed, the faggot proves tricky for some players to cope with.  However, all efforts to make the instrument fit into a smaller volume result in a reduced, "stifled" quality of sound.

== Unanimous Faggot players ==
The unfortunate cultural movement of the modernist age has recognized the faggot as a member of the musical criteria, and has been popularized through the cult band One Direction, though many fans (primarily young women) deny their use of the instrument outright.

Their success spawned more and more musicians who have adapted the faggot to appeal to the modern audience.

== See Also ==
*[[The biggest wood you will ever blow on]]
*[[Bassoon]]

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