Mississippi
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Misisssissisisiisiipppi Good Ol' Misisipey | |||||
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| Motto: "Vitute Et Armis" Roughly translates to "Damn Carpetbaggers!" | |||||
| Anthem: "Dixie" | |||||
Behold, the great Mississippian Empire | |||||
| Capital | Jackoffson | ||||
| Previous capital | Gaytchez | ||||
| Largest city | Yup, Jackoffson again | ||||
| Demonym | Uberhillbilly | ||||
| Official language(s) | Mississippi Snob, Ebonics, Mexispanish, Redneck, English, Creole Vietcongese | ||||
| Government | Puppet of the United States Congress, Super Republican since 2011 | ||||
| ‑ Puppeted Lord Supreme Dicktator of the Holy Christian Lands | King Cotton himself | ||||
| State Flower | Cotton | ||||
| State Bird | Mosquito | ||||
| Official Plant | Watermelon | ||||
| State Rock | Sedimentary stone Crystal Meth not to be confused with the precious stone Crystallized Methamphetamine | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Our Lord and Savior Mr. Jesús H. Christ, Mississippi governors, Jefferson Davis | ||||
| Established | Somewhere in the 1700 B.C. | ||||
| Currency | Cotton | ||||
| Population | unknown | ||||
| Area | .5 m² | ||||
| Population density | Almost non-existent | ||||
| Time Zone | Turn back your clocks by 200 years | ||||
| Ethnic groups |
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| Major exports | Catfish dildos, Mississippians themselves, cotton, Type 2 diabetes, crappy blues music | ||||
| Major imports | Government fundings, illegal immigrants, refugees, social welfare money, sugar | ||||
| Official Sex Toy | Catfish | ||||
| State Beverage | Moonshine | ||||
| National animal | Catfish | ||||
| National sport(s) | College football | ||||
| Hours of operation | Anytime | ||||
“I'd go there if I wasn't so busy.”
“Boy if you don't eat your greens I'ma gona whip ya!!!”
Mississippi was a southern state of the United States. It is considered part of the Deep South (not counting the Gulf coast). The state takes its name from a cannibalistic tribe of native Indians. Mississippi is also the leading state for guys that eat the most fried things. It was once the only place in the world without Jews.
History[edit | edit source]
“And I shall create and name this land Mississippi.”
“¿Qué mierda es esto?”
“Aw hell nah”
The first nonnative settlers were a group of a European expedition into the territory that would become Mississippi was that of Hernando deSoto. deSoto, was mistaken for a Frenchman by history.
The first nonnative settlers were a group of a European expedition into the territory that would become Mississippi was that of Hernando deSoto. deSoto, was mistaken for a Frenchman by history.
When The great King Kutakentae Cotton reigned during the 1850s, Mississippi plantation owners became increasingly wealthy due to the high fertility rate of the slaves and the high price of fruit of da looms on the international market. The necessity of slaves with large penises to sustain such income played a heavy role with state politicians.
As always, Mississippi is second to leave the Union after hothead real Carolina during the Civil War. Overall, foreign born immigrant Jeff became the short lived dictator of the newly formed Autocratic Independent States of the Dixieland. This went for about the the lifespan of a Mississippian's memory until the Union won. The entire state was in desolate ruins ever since the reawakening period.
Mississippi was a focus of the American Civil Rights Movement. Most white Mississippians, through their politicians and involvement in the Ku Klux Klan gave their white brethren the well deserved reputation of "King of All That is Good" (and for tourism sake "Welcome Whities!) during the 1960s. Nuclear weapons were detonated east of the Mississippi, near Hattiesburg when U.S. real estate agents claimed that the deserts of Nevada were of less value than the glorious area that covers the "Heart of the South". This had little effect on the other citizens of the state who used the reactive winds to toast weenies and marshmallows.
Mississippi typifies the Deep Fried South. Mississippi holds the most stocks in KFC essentially making it 50% shareholder of the commonwealth of Kentuckistan.
Perhaps symbolic of its reputation, the state is first in the country of largest average penis size. Try and guess why.
Recently, Mississippi has spearheaded its own independent nuclear project, led by Pastor Iam. A. Dinner Jug. Mississippi has been put under severe sanctions from Obama and accused of sheltering Jesus Christ, wanted for political incorrectness against humanity in Vermont, Massachusetts, California, Maine, Rhode Island, Oregon, Connecticut, and the other really liberal states.
In 2005, Mississippi got screwed over pretty hard. A minor gust of wind with some rain destroyed New Orleans, and it was ready to rage terror in Mississippi. A lot of people forget about it. They lost....well, a few percents of their economy.
During the 2043 Hurricane Rizzler, Missisipi was completely destroyed and sank beneath the waves, finally ending the destructive histroy of the worst state.
Population[edit | edit source]
As of 2005, Mississippi has an estimated population of 2,921,088. Make that 2,921,089. Lets try 2,921,090.... Anyway a good percentage are former slaves and unemployed plantation owners.
Racial makeup and ancestry[edit | edit source]
Until about 1940, Blacks made up a majority of Mississippians. They literally made them up - with the help of Max Factor and a lot of blush. No one knew about Botox back then.
Due to a ban on Pickled Pigs Feet and the decline of share croping, the state's black population declined. But since all the bigoted white people have been dying off, folks are moving back home. That and fucking. Lots and lots of fucking. And because of this, in the public school districts, the majority of students are black.
More than 98% of the white population of Mississippi is native-born, predominantly of noble-inbred-descent. According to the 2000 census, the largest group of people are Blacks (note: the use of the word black is to reference that not all dark-brown skin people in Mississippi are of African decent some are from the islands)
There used to be no Jews in Mississippi due to the Jew Crisis of 1902, citing the day a wealthy white plantation owner threw a dollar down in the middle of the Oxford town square and watched in horror as they fought to the death. However, it is a known secret that jews Have been moving in since 1998 due to the low-low-low price of land and goods.
During the Battle of Captain America and Captain Vietnam, some Mississippi infantrymen made friends with the Vietcong soldiers due to the hillbilly style of both groups and the hatred of the other government. As soon as the war came to a close, many of those soldiers from the Vietcong brought their families with them to live with their buddies back in Mississippi. To this day, the majority of the Asians are descendants of the North Vietcong soldiers.
Mississippi's rank as one of the BEST states can be traced to the Civil War. Before the Wohr of Nothun Uhgression, Mississippi was the fifth-wealthiest state in the nation. Slaves were then counted as valuable property and, in Mississippi, all but fourteen people were Mandingos, and they bring more at market. The war cost the state 30,000 men, all of whom were heroes in our eyes. All fourteen plantation owners were virtually bankrupted by the slaves who were either dead or ran away.
In 1990 casino gambling was legalized along the Mississippi River and the Gulf Coast to make up for lost revenue. However, Hurricane Katrina was a huge bitch when she hit. Before Hurricane Katrina struck the Gulf Coast, Mississippi was the second largest gambling state in the Union, ahead of New Jersey and behind Nevada.
Transportation[edit | edit source]
Mississippi has the most thoroughly developed networks of dirt roads and footpaths in the United States.
Industry[edit | edit source]
Mississippi has a thriving industry not related to cotton. The Gulf Oysters industry supplies over 99.3% of the state's income and 99.5% of the state's export revenues.
Mississippi also has the highest teenage birthrate in the nation. The Lashonda Lakeisha Sharice Jackson-Jones Birthing Institute was founded in a trailer park outside Tupelo and employs most residents of said trailer park to ensure ALL possible state assistance is received promptly.
Climate[edit | edit source]
Often times, there will be sun except a few times. Mississippi has been riddled with numerous of weather patterns from absurd amounts of ternaders to the absolute homewrecker bitch Katrina was. Being in a ternader is the same amount of luck as finding an educated Mississippian though. When snow comes, that is a whole different story. No matter what the amount of precipitation that snow lands in any part of Mississippi, the governor will issue a massive state of emergency and bars anyone who dares to go outside. What a snowflake.
Fun facts[edit | edit source]
“Mississippi is not fun. ”
“Mississippi is Gods Gift to us ”
After being hit with Hurricane Katrina (AKA "The Worst Natural Disaster in U.S. history", "Hell"), and "The BP Oil Spill" (AKA "The Worst Ecological Disaster in U.S. history", "British Hell"), Mississippi is now tied with Poland for the record of "Most Fucked Up By Shit", and eagerly awaiting their nuking so that they may finally be first in something.
Politics, law and government[edit | edit source]
For 116 years (from 1876 to 1992), Mississippians only elected Democratic governors. However, since Bill Clinton's blow job, the Republican Party was seen as the way to go and that was only because good old boys thought Clinton had bad aim.
Mississippi is one of the most religious states in the nation. In 2004 George W. Bush placed second behind God.
Liquor laws are completely fucked up. If you plan on getting drunk on Sunday, stock up on Saturday. Many counties sell liquor but not beer, others sell beer but not liquor. Some allow beer sales, but only if it is warm beer. On some college campuses, you can drink alcohol, only if it is above 6% alcohol content per volume. So yeah, you can only drink liquor. Or Steel Reserve. If you really want to get drunk, keep on driving to Louisiana.
Note that almost every governor (I mean almost) always have a tendency to be scared of hardcore rednecks, sassy black bitches, any funding towards infrastructure and education, the state flag itself, and snow.
Education[edit | edit source]
Aliens visited Mississippi over 9000 years ago and quickly realized that rednecks had no understanding of the concept of time. After years of failed attempts to learn, a breakthrough was made when the aliens appealed to the self-contentedness of the settlers. To this day, the method used to teach counting seconds of time is used throughout the United States. It is spoken as follows: "One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi" and so on.
In 2004, Mississippi was ranked last among the fifty states in academic achievement by the American Legislative Exchange Council's Report Card on Education, with the lowest average ACT scores and spending per pupil in the nation. Mississippi students scored the lowest of any state on the National Assessments of Educational Progress in both math and science.[1]Let's see Texas try and beat us on that.
“BOY, THE ONLY EDUMACATSHUN YALL NEEDS IS THE Gawds Words Bible!!!!!!”
But there are a few colleges:
Some of the "higher" facilities of learning in this poor excuse for a state have actually been under fire as being accredited, functional knowledge centers. The University of Southern Mississippi (USM), for instance has often been referred to by many top-level scholars as really just being an extension of high school, or "the 13th grade." The beginnings of this school are murked with mystery and bud light, yet many agree that it was just a bunch of dropouts of MSU that wanted to start a similar school by simply reversing the acronym. Ole Miss on the other hand is simply a bunch of hotty toddy butt-pluggers, and the school was founded by coked out liberal hippies who were heirs to the polo, j.crew, and lacoste fortunes. No formal education is possible at this institution, as all the teachers would rather complain about all the rebel flags that are flown and how it really is a class-less school run by a bunch of rich white racists. Mississippi State is simply a school built on a cow field in which the students get excessively drunk, brew moonshine in their boots, and molest the animals on campus (yes, the woman are included under animals, sorry ladies). At Millsaps College, people actually learn things, but since the college's education is limited to either future-MBA trustfund bullshit or philosophy-English-liberal arts garbage that will qualify folks to be baristas, it doesn't really count. Belhaven University, however, just sucks. Belhaven's world famous indoctrination boasts of an anti-abortion activist executed for murdering a doctor. The one exception to this is Hinds Community College in Raymond, also known as The Happiest Place on Earth. Only the finest instructors and finest minds get in, and campus life is like a magical storybook wonderland. People from around the world clamor to send their children to this bastion of higher learning. Also I got laid there like a bunch.
Sports[edit | edit source]
The earliest known sport played in what is now known as Mississippi begins with the local Choctaws and sometimes Chickasaw tribes playing a bloody battle of lacrosse. After the white settlers drove them away, they revised the game to become football. Unsurprisingly, Mississippi does not have any professional sports (I wonder why). Instead, they resort to the pastime favorite of the college version. You know when the entire North Mississippi starts to grumble 'Hotty Toddy' and sounds of ringing cowbells. College football acts as a religion more or less a cult in particular. Both MSU and Ole Miss has been grudgingly sad for the last few seasons after their reign on being dominant in the SEC. The schools are notorious for firing numerous coaches and has been losing support. However, on every Thanksgiving night, every Mississippian (or any other MSU or any Ole Miss fans outside of Mississippi, if there's any) turns on their rundown broken TV to see the one of a kind yearly special of the Egg Bowl. Why is it called the Egg Bowl? Who knows. The Egg Bowl always begins in a mishap of tailgating on both sides and some offside predictions that does not make any sense. Usually, it'll end up either team winning the game, most likely MSU but sometimes Ole Miss, and gluttoned bragging rights for the winning team. Ever since Dak Prescott got drafted into Dallas, the whole state has the Dallas Cowboys fever. Women college basketball is also something people will come by and watch for March Madness. Otherwise, there is no interests in other sports whatsoever. Unless masterbaiting counts as one...
"Major" cities (a.k.a. small redneck towns)[edit | edit source]
| City | Description |
|---|---|
| Biloxi | Soccer Mom Karens, Casinos, Cooky Fish Scientists, and Silly Asians with a bunch of shrimp people |
| Gulfport | Even more Karens and casinos, hideaway capital of all Mexicans while serving as the first checkpoint of the Mexican Underground Railroad, and an international airport to nowhere |
| Bay St. Louis | Headquarters of Mississippi's failed "space program" and the space center where it is named after a racist senator |
| Tunica | More casinos that uses welfare money, cotton fields, poor and illiterate hookers, and now a perfect example of what Mississippi should and should not be |
| Jackoffson | City-state and capital where unlawful politicians and the majority of blacks resides. Just lots of weirdos |
| Puckett | 1-A Football Powerhouse |
| Hattiesburg | Home of the USM Golden Buzzards, a place to party and an industrial town where it is somehow rich enough to afford a place |
| Purvis | Home of Justin Sellers |
| Tupelo | Birthplace of sex and roll singer Elvis Presley, self-sustaining capital of Northeast Mississippi, usually a battleplace between both MSU and Ole Miss fans |
| Columbus | Starting point of the mysterious Golden Triangle where unknown flights from the Air Force Base goes in and out for no reason, also a hotpsot for potheads and drug usages |
| Corinth | a fucked up place where all of Mississippi's depression comes from |
| Clarksdale | home of all of Morgan Freeman's illegitimate children, diehard Blues listerners |
| Grenada | Halfway between somewhere and nowhere and is the home to the Grenada Mafia |
| Greenville | Birthplace of the crack pharmaceutical industry |
| Greenwood | Cotton capital of the world |
| Indianola | A yearly Christmas store that sells overpriced roasted nuts |
| Vicksburg | The place that got its ass penetrated by the Union, now a boring town |
| Natchez | once a thriving and important city, has become one of the most rundown town and even depressing than Corinth |
| Starkville | Home of the MSU Lazyassdawgs and rednecks with cowbells that occasionally roam through the pine forests late at night drunk |
| Oxford | Home of the Ole Miss Akbar Rebels, #1 party city in the entire nation, and known for rich white also drunk students that break into William Faulkner's mansion at night trying to find his ghost |
| Madison | A secret white utopia protected by a barrier shield |
| Ridgeland | Malls, malls, malls, also a ton of health nuts and home of the infamous Barnett Reservoir where alligators, retired folks fishing, and flamethrowers are present |
| Carthage | The "Heart of Mississippi", has somewhat the title of the redneck capital of the world even though that should go to any place in Mississippi |
| Vardaman | Sweet potato fuckers |
| Olive Branch | Part of the Republic of Memphis, also a place where white society flees from Memphis to repopulate a dead suburb, also literal fuck ton of shopping centers and they are everywhere, the population have exploded to the point that contractors have to hire illegal Mexicans to build subdivisions |
| Southaven | Also part of the Republic of Memphis, same as its sister city Olive Branch except black Whitehaven citizens fled SOUTH so they can have a safe HAVEN to live at, economy and people are also booming as well that whites are even leaving the city for somewhere like Olive Branch or Hernando, just a million miles southward |
| Yazoo City | not to be confused with Yahoo!, outright dull place |
| Macon | County seat of Noxubee County, the county's name is named after a river where it means "to stink" in Choctaw, perhaps why their football team performed worse over there |
| McComb | What's that? Some city that got invaded by the French Louisianan Creole bourgeoisie to take over a decimated factory belt area? |
| Blue Mountain | A sleepy town where most of Mississippi's residents get their college degrees at |
| Philadelphia | Not to be confused with Philadelphia in Pennsylvania, loneliest casinos in the state of Mississippi and a depressing place to go to |
| Pascagoula | Where 90% of the U.S. Coast Guard keeps their handy dandy tugboats at (the other 10% are at Cancún), literal translation means bread |
| Holly Springs | Honestly, the only thing that is known for when General Grant's wife was almost got captured there, nice town though |
| Ocean Springs | capital of all southern Karens |
| Blue Springs | In 1943-44, the Imperial Japanese Army decided to attack the American Deep South by launching an invasion through Big Sunflower River and into Blue Springs and set up a Toyota plant to manufacture tanks. However, their planned failed as the Americans swept through and kept the factory and build cars instead. A now popular memorial is held there witnessed annually by some middle and high school kids visiting a job fair. |
| H̶o̶t̶ ̶S̶p̶r̶i̶n̶g̶s̶ | Naw thats in ArKANSAS |
| Meridian | Where the prime meridian passes through Mississippi, a train and carousel town, and the second checkpoint of the Mexican Underground Railroad |
| Laurel | Copycat of Meridian, factories dominates the landscape |
| Kosciusko | The 2nd birthplace of Mrs. Oprah "You Get a Car" Winfrey |
| Iuka | Known for Mississippi's "highest point" at 638 feet at Woodall Mountain, mountain folks who are distant relatives of West Virginia |
| Belzoni | Sex Toy and Catfish Capital of the World |
| Canton | Also in 1944, a secondary expeditionary force by the Japanese again were to take to take the strategic capital of Jackoffson through the Pearl River and while there built a Nissan plant to produce more tanks in Canton. Once again, the 155th Mississippi Auxiliary Unit captures the factory and uses it as an useless example on why Nissan is struggling to build any cars to this day. |
| Walnut | wait what? |
| Atlantis | formed by the BP Oil Spill in 2010, now discovered beneath the waves of Cat Island |
Universities and colleges[edit | edit source]
- Alcorn State University
- Oprah & Dr. Phil Community College
- Delta Burke State University- "Where honkies go for FREE!!"
- John Holmes Community College of Porn
- Rust College
- Mississippi State University (AKA Redneck University)
- Northwest Mississippi Community College
- Southwest Mississippi Community College
- Eastwest Mississippi Community College
- Another Mississippi Community College
- Southern Mississippi- Home of the Tweety Birds
- Mississippi University for Women
- Mississippi University for Men
- Mississippi Valley State University
- Millsaps College
- Ippississim College for Dyslexics
- University of Mississippi - AKA Ole Miss
- Jackson State University- AKA Mississippi's University for Negros
- Bubba's Auto Diesel College
Miscellaneous topics[edit | edit source]
- The Teddy Bear gets its name from a hunting trip in 1902, by Theodore Roosevelt, when Roosevelt refused to shoot a captured bear. Theodore Roosevelt was later called a hero.
- Former stoner and administrator of NASA Estil (Buzz) Aldrin is from Fayette. Educated in Mississippi and Georgia, Buzz was voted Buzziest astronaut that NASA ever turned out.
- It's a very well known fact that Alabama is very jealous of Mississippi and will often slander its name. "WE DON'T ALWAYS MARRY OUR COUSINS YOU COCKSUCKERS!" is the common rallying cry.
- In 1969, 500 angry rednecks drove into Alabama and declared war on the black people therein. After a while, they got tired, drank a shit ton of beer, ate some fried chicken, beat their wives, and hired local aliens to design and manufacture beer huggies. From this beautiful story came the evolution of NASCAR and child labor laws.
Famous Mississippians[edit | edit source]
Mississippi has produced a number of notable giants, including: musicians Elvis Presley, aka "The King of Rock n Roll", Jimmy Buffett, blues musicians B.B. King, and Muddy Waters, novelists John Grisham and William Faulkner, entertainers Oprah Winfrey and Jim Henson, actors Morgan Freeman, and James Earl Jones, playwright Tennessee Williams, alternative rock band 3 Doors Down, athletes Brett Favre, Jerry Rice, and Steve McNair and country music singers Tammy Wynette, LeAnn Rimes, Charlie Pride, Deliverance and is the home of Colonel Robert Morris and Faith Hill. (This announcement made by possible through a generous donation to the Anderson Whitman and Lewis Talent Agency). And don't forget the primary religious center of Elvisism is at Tupelo, the birthplace of the religious cult's "Second coming". Eb from green acres. And of course me.
Trivia Lightning Round for More State Objects[edit | edit source]
| State Object | Item |
|---|---|
| State strip clubs | Magnoliaunderpussy, Swingers and Perve |
| State book of burning | Koran |
| State fossil | A 102 year old man nicknamed 'Ziggy' |
| State Comedian | Redd Foxx |
| State wildflower | Marijuana |
| State Sexual Orientation | STRAIGHT, except for most of the rich private school kids |
| State Asian | Junchiro (spelled:gerxku) "John" Waganaki |
| State quote | "TONIGHT...we're getting HIGH!" |
| State cigarette | GPC |
| State drug | Tie between crack and meth |
| State game | "Hide the Wienie" |
| State food | Fried anything |
Thank y'all for c̶u̶m̶m̶i̶n̶'̶ comin' to this article, and we'll hope y'all don't get killed by the unnecessary stupidity of our friendly people.
References[edit | edit source]
See also[edit | edit source]
- HowTo:Travel to and Through the Southern United States
- Whales
- Armenia
- Quadratic Formula
- Haiti
- Cannibals