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Reviews
The Irishman (2019)
A Hoffa You Can't Refuse?
This plays like a warmed-over collection of Scorsese's greatest hits-the long tracking shots, the voiceover, the script which has every character speaking the same way (not just the same as everyone else in the movie, but the same as everyone in every Scorsese movie), the masterful but repetitive scenes of violence. The two supposed driving forces of the film are never fully justified, those being Sheeran's motivation for being a hitman, and his daughter's extreme disdain for him. The justification for Sheeran's life of violence seems to be nothing more than his wartime experience, where "I seen things, man. I seen things." Peggy's dislike for her father is shown to be due to his penchant for brutality and spontaneous violence. She transfers that to Russ as well, presumably because her father works for him and he has the same tendencies. But then she becomes completely infatuated with Hoffa, who is cut from the exact same cloth as the other two, the only difference being he buys her ice cream. The fact that this movie is phoned-in Scorsese does not mean it isn't fun to watch, although it really drags the last 45 minutes or so, as we wait for the main characters to die off, the only saving grace being being our relief in knowing that they can finally shut off that damn CGI machine.
The Break-Up (2006)
Just wondering
Often, when I am sitting in a doctor's waiting room or examination room, I think about the fact that I rushed out of work at 2:10 to make a 2:30 appointment and now it's approaching 4:00 with not a glimpse of the doctor nor any explanation, excuse or apology for my inconvenience, I think, "Geez, with the hundreds of medical schools and the thousands of med school graduates every year, shouldn't there be enough doctors in this country that somebody could actually see you at your scheduled time?"
The reason I bring that up is, after watching "The Break-Up" and after having been the only straight male in the US to sit through "Down With Love" and knowing that the only appeal of the moronic "Bring It On" was the sight of Kirsten Dunst and Eliza Dushku in cheerleading outfits, I can't help but wonder, with thousands of film school graduates entering the job market every year, and thousands more hard-working, ambitious filmmakers pounding the pavement of Hollywood year in and year out, why does Peyton Reed continue to get hired to direct movies?
Rumor Has It... (2005)
Reiner's Had It
Remember Rob Reiner? He directed "Spinal Tap," a classic of American comedy. Now, that owed as much to the improvised performances of the leads and some notable spear-carriers, but still and all, it was terrific and Mr. Reiner gets full credit for directing it.
And he did "When Harry Met Sally," which again owed much to the chemistry of the leads, but it is indeed a gem of a romantic comedy. "Misery" and "A Few Good Men" and "Princess Bride" followed, and all of a sudden, you gotta say, "Wow, look at the track record of this guy!" Then there was a disaster called "North," and maybe that's where it all fell apart. He came back with "American President," which has little to say for itself except as a quasi-pilot for "West Wing," and then out-and-out bombs "Story of Us" and "Alex and Emma." Which brings us to "Rumor Has It," a movie that is bad in so many ways, it's hard to know where to begin.
But first, you have to accept the premise that Benjamin Braddock from "The Graduate" grew up to be a jet-setting, womanizing business genius; that the elegant, controlled, tightly wrapped Mrs. Robinson aged into a round-rumped sloppy drunk given to phrases like "Go sh*t in your hat" and "Go play with your dick"; and that the square piece of white-bread, Carl Smith, whose wedding to Elaine Robinson was so famously disrupted, became a helluva guy, salt-of-the-earth type who loves nothing more than bass fishing, NFL football and doting on his two daughters.
One of the daughters is Jennifer Aniston who is desperate to find out whether her deceased mother was ever genuinely happy because that, in the logic of this car wreck, will determine whether she will ever be genuinely happy. She also is convinced that her father is not her real father because she is SO different from him, and here are the examples she gives: 1) Her father drives slowly while she drives fast, and 2) she does not share the family fondness for playing tennis. She sets off to find her real dad (the grown-up B. Braddock, portrayed by Kevin Costner) and, having found him...engages in "sensational" sex with him. Yikes, the more I think about the movie, the less I like it.
Check out this dialog: "Oh, my God, it's him!" "Who him?" "HIM him!" "HIM him?"
Tony Randall and Jack Klugman might make it work, but not Aniston and Mena Suvari.
The one highlight comes near the end when Shirley MacLaine (or rather a Play-Doh mask with Shirley MacLaine's eyes) shoves Suvari out the door. The shove is clearly not in the script but rather an actual glimmer of honest emotion that crept into this compost heap and was, intentionally or not, left in the final cut by Mr. Reiner, whose current status calls to mind the sad sight of an aging Willie Mays, stumbling around the outfield in the '73 World Series, having not known when to call it quits.
Prime (2005)
Truer than the Red White and Blue
No matter how frequently old TV shows are celebrated or lamented or re-made as big budget features, you never hear any discussion of "Love, American Style." Which is a shame because, were LAS still around, it would be the perfect vehicle for this humorless trifle. First of all, we could avoid the embarrassment of watching Meryl Streep trying to keep it afloat. Instead, we'd get Nancy Walker, who is far better suited for it anyway. Her husband could be played by Lou Jacobi, rather than the actor who has the role of the husband in "Prime"; I believe his name is Boring Von Nobody. Instead of Uma Thurman playing the "older woman" (while looking all of 28 years old), Nancy Walker's psychotherapy patient who is shtupping her son would be played by Anne Meara. And it would all end amid hugs and the Love American Style musical fanfare with Ms. Meara telling the son (played by Jerry Houser or Wes Stern), "I love you, David, and that's why I'm letting you go. And someday you'll find someone just as wonderful as you." And then we could stay tuned for "Hollywood Palace" rather than trudging to the mall parking lot and thinking how nice it would be if we could have our $22 back, not to mention two hours of our lives.
Elizabethtown (2005)
No foolin'
At one point in this Gap commercial posing as a feature release, Kirsten Dunst's character, Claire, says to Orlando Bloom's character, Drew, "Do you ever feel like you're just fooling everybody?" Drew acts as though this is the most insightful question he's ever heard, despite the fact that it's been posed in every teen coming-of-age picture at least since Glynnis O'Connor and Robby Benson used to team up.
I bring this up because, ironically, it's the only genuine moment in the whole film and clearly is Cameron Crowe's way of justifying his successful directing career by saying, "Hey,even I don't believe I'm getting away with this!" Because what he has done here (and in other projects as well, but let's stick to this one) is not make a movie, which would require multi-faceted characters, conflict--a plot, for God's sake!--and dialogue that actually seems to connect with that which is spoken before it and follows it, but instead, he strings together a number of nicely photographed scenes with quirky elements and an evocative soundtrack.
Crowe is known for loading his movies with great soundtracks, and somehow he is lauded for it, even though he does it in lieu of creating a story that actually makes any sense. For example, we don't see Claire and Drew fall in love by interacting, dealing with each other in a human way, or having a conflict; instead, we get an endless series of clips of them on the phone with each other, each spouting glib remarks while posing cutely on an escalator, in a tub, sprawled across the floor, prowling a luxury motel, painting toenails. Her lines have no connection with anything he says and vice versa, but damn, it makes a nice trailer.
We never learn about his relationship with his father, what happened to cause him to leave his job in disgrace, how his mother feels about the father...we never learn anything REAL about anybody, but, boy we sure get to hear them all make with the snappy quips.
And then there's the music--for the last 15 minutes of the movie, we are literally treated to selections from Crowe--er, Claire's personal iPod, while we watch Drew roam the country discovering what Hollywood millionaires think is America. And that's all that's required to make a successful romantic comedy these days--enough precious dialogue and cutie-pie mugging to make a nice 30-second spot or entertain folks on the monitors as they browse the Blockbuster.
Alexander (2004)
Alexander the...FAB-ulous!
Horrible and how anybody could imagine it would be anything but is beyond me but that kind of thinking--not aliens or explosions or Chris Reeve flying--is the true magic of Hollywood.
1) Angelina Jolie is a year older than Colin Farrell, who plays her son.
2) British and Irish accents are used to represent Macedonians and Greeks. This was apparently a conscious decision. Wouldn't any idiot off the street question this approach? Probably, but apparently not the show-biz geniuses who channeled tens of millions to Oliver Stone based on, what...his track record? When was his last hit again?
3) Oh, but for some reason Ms Jolie uses a Transylvanian accent.
4) Who the hell is Anthony Hopkins (the all-knowing one who narrates this stool sample) supposed to be? Is he the irrelevant character with the Art Garfunkle haircut?
5) Oh, and for some reason, Rosario Dawson, a Babylonian character, uses a Puerto Rican accent: "You...loff...heem?"
6) And how the hell does anyone know Alex was gay anyhow?
The Family Man (2000)
Gilded Cage
Another movie made by wealthy people (all Hollywood movies are made by either wealthy people or people who aspire to be), the moral of which is that money isn't important. Reportedly, the director wooed Nicolas Cage into this project by specifying that Cage's character drives a Ferrari, knowing that Nic would be attracted by the chance to keep the car after the movie.
Ratner: Come on, you'll be great in this flick! Cage: What's it about? Ratner: It's about the choices we make in life--well, not us, but ordinary people. Cage: Like what kind of choices? Ratner: About money and stuff, how it's not important. Cage: Nah, I could use some time off. I've already worked six months in the past year. Ratner: I'll get you a Ferrari. Cage: When do we start shooting?
Gigli (2003)
Son of Joe Black
A Hollywood rumor that refuses to die is that Martin Brest's previous effort, "Meet Joe Black", (which was 5 years ago--that should tell you something)was not only a horrible picture but one that was INTENTIONALLY made badly in a "Producers"-style effort by Universal to take a loss on it which, in the byzantine world of Hollywood accounting practices, would actually make money for U in the long run. The specific ins and outs of the accounting maze are too complex to go into, but to guarantee a money-loser, the studio selected the most idiotic script available, threw huge sums of money to Hopkins and Pitt, (both known for phoning in their performances once the check clears), and turning the while mess over to Brest who needed no help in throwing kerosene on this blazing pile. And if you doubt the truth of this, I suggest you rent the DVD just to watch the hospital scene where Pitt speaks in a Jamaican patois while consoling an old lady who is near-death. Or the scene in which Hopkins muses over his late wife's way with a cold lamb sandwich. (Legend has it that several takes were required due to Hopkins' tendency to doze off during this speech.)
There are at least another dozen eye-rolling scenes for the masochist.
In other words, "Gigli" never stood a chance...
The Next Best Thing (2000)
Setting the record straight
Madonna is a horrible actress. This is not an opinion; it is a verifiable fact. She's horrible. If you're one of the handful of people who think her acting is something other than horrible, I feel sorry for you. You lead a very dim, simple-minded existence. It is a sad life for you, I'm sure, although you may well be blissfully unaware of your ignorance and so, in many ways, you're better off than most of us. Now, the question is, why do so many people (and admittedly, I'm one of them) take such glee in pointing out Madonna's utter lack of acting ability? I think it's because she has always presented herself as such a "strong, in-control" personality and because her success in the music industry is typically chalked up to her exercising full control over her projects and her image. Her primary objective has always been to shock the public (her surrogate "daddy"). When we are indeed shocked, she derides us as Puritans. When we're disinterested, then we just don't get her.
So, when she selects a movie project, and there can be no doubt that she is involved in every aspect of it (even choosing her husband to direct), her critics are overjoyed when it inevitably crashes and burns. And why shouldn't we experience a little schadenfreude--she thinks we're idiots.
Personal Velocity: Three Portraits (2002)
Thud!
You aren't likely to find many guys in the audience for this steamer, which has less true-to-life emotion in it than your average porno. The three stories are tied together with the weakest of gimmicks. I'll grant that the three lead performances are excellent, but the subject matter and plotting are pure Lifetime movie. The men portrayed within are saintly and sexy if they're ethnic, but if they're white, they're boring, abusive, or--horror of horrors--bad writers! Interestingly, the writer/director's father (a white guy, BTW) is one of the great alltime writers, and the only reason anyone would be the least bit interested in her work at all; in this case the apple falls a good distance from the tree.
Vanilla Sky (2001)
Eye Opening?
Aside from being too long, boring, confusing and pointless, this film does suggest answers to some question regarding its producer and star. There are two main scenes in which his character, David Aames, has sex with a woman. In the first, he can't get away from her fast enough and in the second, he winds up killing her. As the old psychiatrist joke goes, "Hmmm, I wonder what he meant by that."
In another scene, Aames utters the line, "Hey, I'm straight." The character to whom he speaks the line later explains to Aames that what he thinks is reality is only a dream.
One could also make comparisons between Life Extenders and Scientology, but why bother?
Town & Country (2001)
Now, THAT'S funny
I can't wait til this one comes out on videotape so I can watch it again and again. I'm sure others feel that way because I heard some of the folks who had left early (apparently to beat traffic or to save some money on an expensive babysitter--I can relate!) express their opinion that it should have gone straight to video. I couldn't agree more. What a delight.
First of all, kudos to Mr. Beatty. He delivers a clinic on acting. In the scenes where is he caught with his pants down (sometimes literally--OOPS, Spoiler!), the expression of humiliation on his face is so real, one could almost feel as though he's really embarrassed to be in this movie. Of course, anyone who's seen him in "Love Affair" or "Dick Tracy" know that nothing embarrasses the WB.
Thumbs up also to Goldie Hawn and Diane Keaton. In an era when every other movie contains endless scenes of nubile teens wearing next to nothing (or NOTHING!), it's a true joy to see women whom you'd prefer keep their clothes on. Good move, gals!
Lastly, let me see that, as a comedy aficionado and one who's a real fan of humorous dialogue, too many times I've attended films where the actors' lines are drowned out by the raucous laughter of the audience. I was happy to observe that in "Town & Country," even during the funniest scenes, the theater was dead quiet. So that all the lines could be heard and savored. Whether that speaks more to the audience or the quality of the movie, I'll leave that for you to decide.
All in all, T&C is a unique movie-going experience with a brilliant cast. How I wish I could have been at THAT premiere!
All the Pretty Horses (2000)
Two Hoofs Down
(Obliged to say this contains some of what y'all might refer to as SPOILERS, if you're of a mind to.)
Two young guys who've seen too many Westerns head down to Mexico to find a big ranch they can work at. En route they encounter a younger guy on a stolen horse who joins up with them because they need another American. The three of them then get into a contest to see who can speak in the thickest twang and use the most rustic phraseology. I haven't heard this many "fixin's" and "reckonin's" and "recollects" since the heyday of the Beverly Hillbillies.
When they get to Mexico (and in this movie, you have to accept the idea that someone actually would WANT to go to Mexico), the young idiot loses his horse and his gun and clothes. (And apparently, his feathers--don't ask)
The one young feller falls in love with the ranch's daughter. This is inevitable because she is the only one in the cast prettier than him.
Oh, yeah, there's horses, too. Lots and lots of purdy horses. Apparently they're supposed to represent sexuality or the purity of one's dreams or living life to the fullest. But they might just be horses.
They all get thrown in jail because of the young feller fooling around with the senorita and because the younger moron killed some people and stole some horses. He ends up getting shot because that's the way things are done down in Mexico. At this point you're supposed to respect the simple justice of the Mexicans and simultaneously be horrified by their cruelty without seeming like a racist. This combination of emotions is a tall order for our hero, which results in a pained expression he wears throughout the balance of the film.
He ends up killing a guy who'd slashed up his buddy. Then the pretty senorita's aunt bails him out on the condition that he never sees the girl again. Then the aunt gives him the girl's phone number. He sees her, but she refuses to run off with him because she gave her word to her daddy. By the way, the feller can speak Spanish as well as the Mexican girl, but they both speak English so the audience can understand. Thanks for nothing, you two.
Then the young guy tells his story to a judge whose sole purpose in the movie is to make you lean over and whisper to the person next to you, "Hey, isn't that Bruce Dern?"
This movie was based on a classic book which goes to show, I reckon, that you're better off readin'.
What Women Want (2000)
Found wanting
This movie is bad in so many ways. It has all the depth and insight of a bad 70s sitcom. Its jokes are trite and cheap and some scenes seem to exist only for the purposes of making a good trailer.
Wasted performances abound. The leads sleep-walk through. Gibson is charming as always, but Helen Hunt cannot speak a single line without making at least three faces. Her character, described as an advertising hotshot and "bitch on wheels" comes across as a mousy schoolteacher. Apparently HH couldn't or wouldn't risk coming across as unsympathetic.
Lauren Holley opens things up with a pointless narration, delivered as deliberately as Al Gore speaking to a special ed class, after which she disappears except for two brief scenes. It's never clear what her attitude is towards Mel's character.
Delta Burke (with an NY accent--though pic is set in Chi) and Valerie Perrine serve no purpose whatsoever and whose roles can best be described as "ad hags." Bette Midler's a shrink in a really lame scene, in which the big gag is supposed to be her sneaking a hit off a joint. Talk about cutting edge!
Film is seemingly in praise of women, but it fails to support its contention about women's intrinsic wonderfulness.
Gibson's character is completely irresistible to women, although, once he can read their minds, it turns out they all think he's jerk. So why do they find him so irresistible?
Then he becomes incredibly sensitive to their needs and concerns, and becomes even more irresistible. But he stands up Marisa Tomei after giving her the shtup of her life. Since Marisa's character determines her worth based on her desirability to men--any man--she's crushed until Mel falls on his sword and pretends that he's gay. Still overwhelmingly needy and pathetic, Marisa tells Mel she'll still be available "if things ever change in that department." It's like a bad episode of "Three's Company."
BTW, Nike must have paid a truckload for product placement that takes up a third of the movie, plus a built-in ad that positions Nike as the ultimate woman's product.
All that being said, I would imagine trailers and promo clips of Mel in pantyhose and eyeliner and dancing around his apartment to Sinatra will make WWW a substantial moneymaker for P'mount.
Pay It Forward (2000)
"Hit over the head by an angel"
I'm sure this movie will make an enormous sum of $$$ and will also help usher George W into the White House.
However...
I'm getting awfully tired of Hollywood's idea of how regular folks live. I have a good job. Howcum Helen Hunt's character, "struggling to make ends meet" with two crummy jobs, owns a way nicer house than I do?
I do not buy her as "trailer trash." She has a very limited range. However, she had been christened as a "quality actress" (for having worked 6 years on a sitcom?) and so in the eyes of many, she can do no wrong. All right. Good for her.
The kid is great. I only hope there are enough good roles for him. Spacey is fine.
The story is weak; it's a slightly elevated AfterSchool Special. The characters are extremely familiar stereotypes. The only black character (Spacey's character was black in the book)is a gang member, and when's the last time you heard about Crips and Bloods? Well, you'll hear it here, along with every other Street Black Cliche they teach in Screenwriting 101. This character brings to mind Robert Townsend's "Hollywood Shuffle."
And the plot, well, let's see: Why is it that nobody is initially willing to reveal the Pay It Forward concept, when the whole idea of it is that the concept must be passed along in order for it to work? Nobody "pays it forward" to three people as required, except for the kid, with very mixed results.
The whole premise is right up the alley of the Hollywood elite: it's not enough to do good for its own sake; one must be rewarded by knowing others have done good because of you. It's redolent of the PR firms who are so quick to trumpet the celebs who donate their time to charity for no compensation--never mentioning the enormous publicity value they receive from their "good deeds."
The PIF movement is evidently a failure: a bag lady, a homeless guy, a lawyer and a street thug have participated in some minor ways, but it is considered a huge success. Why? Because, as always in the eyes of Hollywood, us regular folks comprehend something is worthwhile WHEN IT IS COVERED BY THE MEDIA.
Pay It Forward (2000)
"Hit over the head by an angel"
I'm sure this movie will make an enormous sum of $$$ and will also help usher George W into the White House.
However...
I'm getting awfully tired of Hollywood's idea of how regular folks live. I have a good job. Howcum Helen Hunt's character, "struggling to make ends meet" with two crummy jobs, owns a way nicer house than I do?
I do not buy her as "trailer trash." She has a very limited range. However, she had been christened as a "quality actress" (for having worked 6 years on a sitcom?) and so in the eyes of many, she can do no wrong. All right. Good for her.
The kid is great. I only hope there are enough good roles for him. Spacey is fine.
The story is weak; it's a slightly elevated AfterSchool Special. The characters are extremely familiar stereotypes. The only black character (Spacey's character was black in the book)is a gang member, and when's the last time you heard about Crips and Bloods? Well, you'll hear it here, along with every other Street Black Cliche they teach in Screenwriting 101. This character brings to mind Robert Townsend's "Hollywood Shuffle."
And the plot, well, let's see: Why is it that nobody is initially willing to reveal the Pay It Forward concept, when the whole idea of it is that the concept must be passed along in order for it to work? Nobody "pays it forward" to three people as required, except for the kid, with very mixed results.
The whole premise is right up the alley of the Hollywood elite: it's not enough to do good for its own sake; one must be rewarded by knowing others have done good because of you. It's redolent of the PR firms who are so quick to trumpet the celebs who donate their time to charity for no compensation--never mentioning the enormous publicity value they receive from their "good deeds."
The PIF movement is evidently a failure: a bag lady, a homeless guy, a lawyer and a street thug have participated in some minor ways, but it is considered a huge success. Why? Because, as always in the eyes of Hollywood, us regular folks comprehend something is worthwhile WHEN IT IS COVERED BY THE MEDIA.
The Nutty Professor (1963)
No second helpings of this Kelp
Comedy, as we all know, is subjective, but I defy anyone to point out one funny bit in this movie. I'd never seen it, but thought it would be fun for my 7-year-old son and, with JL revisionism run rampant, I was interested to see what all the fuss was about. So one Saturday night, we ordered a pizza and rented "Nutty Professor."
We thought this movie would never end. I caught my son looking at me questioningly throughout, as if to say, "When does this start getting funny?" It was mindless, pointless and aimless. I suppose bits like the health spa scene might have brought a smile in 1963, but I found the picture overall to be unbearable.
The Chevy Chase Show (1993)
And you're not (funny, that is)
I wish episodes were re-run or available on tape because nobody who hasn't seen it can understand how truly awful it was.
Why it ever came into being is a mystery because the host hadn't been funny in years and, even in his heyday, his talents were extremely limited.
He rode into public prominence on the whirlwind that was the original SNL, and in many ways, symbolized the show, although his talents paled next to those of his castmates. But his smug irreverence touched a nerve in those post-Watergate, the-systems-sucks-so-let's-have-a-few-laughs days. He was the first to leave SNL and certainly proved the axiom about striking when the iron is hot by churning out a few humorous, money-making films before reaching his level of incompetence and cannonballing into a series of unfunny comedies and endless "Vacation" remakes.
A good movie could be made about the original SNL cast and what became of them; Gilda and Belushi aside, I think the saddest case is Aykroyd, who may have been the funniest of the original crew and has now deteriorated into appearing in the type of vehicles he used to lampoon with laser-like precision.
BTW, Bill Murray, for you youngsters, was NOT an original SNL cast member.
A Walk on the Moon (1999)
More of a small step than a giant leap
This movie was fine, nothing special. A bit contrived in the plot department (e.g., the daughter spotting the mother through binocs at Woodstock) and with some particularly "precious" dialogue. The main problem with it was that all the characters were TOO nice, TOO understanding.
Good performances all around, and anyone who can take his eyes off Diane Lane likely needs some kind of laser surgery.