Our House Season 1, Episode 6
Our Travel Expo
Velma: Teri, the tickets are here!
Teri: Wow, that was quick!
Velma: I know! It really was. I wanna see the tickets! Gotta make sure they’re both here.
Teri: Open the envelope!
Velma: Five tickets? That’s strange. I know I only ordered the two.
Betty: Tickets? What for?
Teri: My god, she’s like a bloodhound. Just sniffing out every opportunity she has to spend money.
Velma: Me and Teri got tickets to go to the Henrico Travel Expo. We got three extras if you want to come.
Betty: Sign me and Karl up for two of ‘em!
Velma: Are you sure he wants to go?
Betty: Of course he does! He does everything else I tell him to do!
Velma: That is true.
Betty: So, who else are you taking? Danielle could use some fun.
Velma: It’s a travel expo, not a Caribbean cruise. Danielle doesn’t even travel, except for her yearly trips to Connecticut to see her sister. She won’t be interested.
Teri: You should ask Cindy. She loves to travel. Plus, she can get away from Jerry for the day!
Betty: Be nice Teri, he’s your brother-in-law!
Teri: Yeah, and he’s also insane. Your point is?
Betty: We’re family, let’s all just love each other.
Teri: I guess. But I really do think Cindy would enjoy coming.
Velma: I’ll ask her. Worst she can do is say no.
One week later…
Teri: Velma, what’s going on? Why isn’t Cindy ready yet? The Expo starts in twenty minutes!
Velma: Here’s the thing… she never really answered me.
Teri: Well that’s a problem.
Velma: Yeah. But I’m sure if I told her we had to go, she’d hurry.
Teri: Mom is in the car, salivating at the mere chance of getting a chance to buy something she doesn’t need but absolutely HAS to have or it’ll ruin her life.
Velma: I’m glad she's excited. But how’d she get in my car?
Teri: Teleportation? I don’t know, she's the craziest woman I’ve ever known. And I know someone crazy enough to have married FRANK!
Velma: Remember, love not hate.
Teri: I just like to kid. I’m gonna go get Cindy.
Teri shouts into the dining room, where Cindy is drinking coffee and eating her breakfast.
Teri: CINDY! Hurry up! We’re going to the travel expo!
Cindy: That’s today? Well, good thing I showered last night, I knew that would come in handy! Let me quick change. Jerry, you can have the rest of my danish.
Jerry: Why would I want that?
Cindy: It’s a cheese danish. Your favorite!
Jerry: Pass it here.
Fifteen minutes later…
Cindy: So Teri, how do I look?
Teri: Like Bette Davis…
Cindy: Aww, thanks Teri.
Teri: …in What Ever Happened To Baby Jane!
Cindy: That’s incredibly mean.
Teri: That’s me!
Velma: Thanks to Cindy, we’re now 15 minutes late. But still, it could have been a it worse. At least the Richmond International Airport seminar doesn’t start until 2:30. So we’ll have time to walk through the expo and stop at some booths!
Betty: What exactly is at the booths, Velma?
Velma: Pamphlets full of information about vacation spots, timeshares, railroads, airlines, and everything related to travel.
Betty: Ooh, can I get all of the pamphlets?
Velma: Sure. I guess.
Karl: You don’t need all of those pamphlets, you’ll never read them. Just get the ones for places you’re genuinely interested in.
Betty: Now why the hell would I do that?
Karl: Because you haven’t set foot on a train in years.
Betty: That’s not true! Hersheypark!
Karl: Oh that’s right, besides the kiddie train at Hersheypark that made you nauseous, you haven’t.
Betty: But maybe I want some nice reading material!
Karl: All right, as long as you can carry it, fine by me.
Teri: Are you two done? I want to play some music.
Velma: We’re ten minutes away. Not long enough for an album, but just long enough for me to vent about my mother-in-law!
Teri: Fire away.
Velma: So, I was over at her house with Mitchell…
Teri: And why would you do that?
Velma: I didn’t even start the story and I’ve already been interrupted. New record right here! Anyways, we’re at her house and she starts gossiping to me about Mitchell’s sister.
Cindy: I think I’d prefer the music.
Betty: I have to agree.
Velma: Fine. Give me the CD, Teri.
Teri: Here we go, get ready to hear some Second Hand News!
Betty: We were already hearing that!
Teri: You aren’t wrong.
Ten minutes later…
Velma: We’re here!
Betty: Come on Karl! I need those pamphlets!
Karl: Here we go…
Velma: Don’t open the door! Let me park first!
Velma parks the car, and the entire family dashes into the Expo Hall.
Velma: Betty, take your ticket and go. I know you’re extremely excited. To get papers.
Betty: I am, thanks!
Velma: Here Karl, here Cindy. Go make sure she doesn't get lost. I’m gonna grab a cup of water quick, I’m parched.
Karl: That’s fine, look at this line. We’ll be here awhile.
Cindy: Wow, this is like the Woodstock of Central Virginia travel.
Velma: I don’t think this is even the line. This is the passport sign-up line. Let’s go to check-in.
Betty: Where are the pamphlets?
Velma: Inside. The line to go in is moving fast, we’ll be in soon.
Betty: Good, I’m so excited.
Rude woman: Move it or be moved!
The rude woman charges past the family and pushed Cindy aside.
Cindy: Did you just see that?
Teri: See what?
Cindy: I was just assaulted!
Velma: You mean that little old lady that pushed you out of her way?
Cindy: Yes! That’s the perp!
Velma: She’s 80! This is the most exciting thing that’s happened to her in years. Just be cool.
Cindy: I’m going to track her down. ANd when I find her, I’m going to give her a piece of my mind. Then I’ll call the cops on her. She’s a predator and she has to be stopped.
Velma: Cindy…
Cindy: I’m doing this, Velma.
Teri: Go for it. Just don’t punch her, then she’ll call the cops on you.
Cindy: I am a good Christian woman. I would never punch someone.
Teri: Lydia…
Cindy: Lydia deserved it. She tried to steal from the church collection plate. Jesus would approve.
Teri: He wouldn’t.
The family moves up to the front of the line and is admitted into the Expo.
Betty: PAMPHLETS!
Velma: I apologize for her. She doesn’t get out much.
Expo Employee: Isn’t she the lady that made a fool out of herself on the local news?
Velma: Unfortunately, yes she is.
Expo Employee: You guys can head right into the expo. Here’s your complimentary reusable grocery bag.
Velma: We get bags too? The excitement for my Aunt Betty might be too much handle.
Betty: What is this bag? It’s so beautiful!
Velma: It’s your complimentary gift for coming here today. Fill it with the pamphlets you get in there.
Betty: Today is already off to a great start.
Cindy: I’m glad it’s off to a great start for you, because I have been ASSAULTED today!
Velma: Cindy, you’re fine.
Cindy: No, I’m not, and that lady will pay for what she’s done.
Velma: I can already tell this was a mistake. Should have thrown those extra tickets in the fire.
Teri: Let’s go in there! I want to go talk to someone about that trip to Disney World we’re planning on taking.
Velma: I’ll join you. But we better get there before Betty robs the place of all the pamphlets.
Betty drags Karl into the main hall that the expo is being held in and starts looking around at every booth…
Betty: KARL!!! We can go on a Viking River Cruise on the Rhine!
Karl: We could also not do that.
Betty: Come on, it sounds fun!
Karl: We’ll keep it in mind. Look over there, a Colorado booth.
Betty: Oh my god, I’ve always wanted to ski while high.
Karl: That’s not gonna happen. How about we go check out that Arizona booth instead. Marijuana isn’t legal there.
Betty: Aww.
Karl: But their US senator is that lady you saw on the cover of Vogue last week. That’s fun!
Betty: I love her! She has the best boots!
Karl: That’s a good reason to vacation somewhere.
Betty: Oh my gosh, look!
Karl: At what?
Betty: The Universal Orlando stand has free drink koozies!
Karl: Do we really need that?
Betty: No. But it’s free! And it’s exciting!
Karl: Try not to get too excited, you don’t want to have a heart attack. I don’t think the paramedics could get in here with all of these people.
Betty: Oh! My! God! I Heart New York bumper stickers!
Karl: Why do you need that? You’ve never even been to New York!
Betty: But I want to! Look at this pamphlet! Utica looks so beautiful! And exotic!
Karl: I’m certain that it isn’t. Why is that pamphlet even here?
Betty: I want to go!
Karl: We go on two vacations every year Betty. One to the beach house in Maine, and one someplace else. Do you really want to waste that second vacation on Utica?
Betty: Yes!
Karl: Maybe that Rhine Viking Cruise isn’t so bad…
Meanwhile, Teri and Velma are at the Disney booth planning a vacation…
Teri: Hello, we’re looking for some answers to our questions about
Worker: I’m Glenda and I can answer any questions you have about Disneyland, Walt Disney World, Disney Cruises, or any of our international parks.
Velma: We’re planning a trip to Disney World. What hotels can we stay at for close access to Magic Kingdom?
Glenda: All of our Walt Disney World resorts are in close proximity to all of the parks, but if you’re willing to spend a bit of extra money on a top-tier hotel near Magic Kingdom, the Contemporary is the way to go.
Velma: We’re willing to spend whatever it takes to make a memorable trip. I’ve been there to eat, I think it would be nice to stay there.
Glenda: It’s one of our more popular deluxe resorts. The Grand Floridian and Polynesian are both popular choices as well, and they also have monorail access to Magic Kingdom. Those three are probably your best bets.
Teri: On behalf of my insane mother, I must ask this question. I know that the Great Movie Ride closed. But are the celebrity handprints still there? Because my mom likes to go there and stick her hands in all of them. She especially likes to still her hands in Lauren Bacall’s and she makes sure to tell us that “her name really is Betty, we’re practically the same person.” Then she does her Lauren Bacall impression that sounds more like a drowning cat than Lauren Bacall.
Glenda: Your mom sounds like a colorful person.
Teri: That’s not even the best part. She then runs over to Audrey Hepburn’s and puts on those long black gloves and the glasses like in Breakfast At Tiffany’s. She pretends she’s really Audrey Hepburn. We’ve been there six times and she’s never not done it.
Glenda: Fear not, your mom can still do crazy things at the handprints. They’re still there.
Teri: Okay good, because otherwise we’d have to skip Hollywood Studios. She would throw a hissy fit and embarrass all of us.
Glenda: Any more questions?
Velma: Not that I can think of.
Glenda Then if you’re all set, you can just head right on over to one of the travel agents over there and plan your trip.
Teri: sounds good!
Cindy is walking around to find the rude woman from earlier when she bumps into her.
Cindy: Hey lady!
Rude Woman: Who are you?
Cindy: One of your victims. You pushed me earlier!
Rude Woman: I’m sure it was just an accident. I wouldn’t do that on purpose.
Cindy: I distinctly remember you saying “Move it or be moved!”
Rude Woman: I just wanted to get through the crowd. You surely understand.
Cindy: I don’t, and you’re lying. I’m calling the cops.
Rude Woman: Come on! I tapped you!
Cindy: Fine, I won’t call the cops. I just hope you enjoy your trip to Bermuda, I’m sure that’s the only time you’ll get out of Shady Maples this year.
The rude woman punches Cindy in the face.
Rude Woman: For your information, I live at Bristle Pines!
Cindy: You hit me! Now I am calling the cops!
Two hours later, the family meets up to go to the seminar…
Velma: so Cindy, did you find that woman that “assaulted” you.
Cindy: Yep. Had her arrested.
Velma: For pushing you?
Cindy: No, I confronted her and this time she really did assault me.
Betty: Oh my god!
Cindy: Oh I’m fine mom, don’t worry.
Betty: No, not you, Cindy. Don’t be so vain. Karl, look at that suitcase! It has beautiful flowers on it!
Karl: We already bought new suitcases last year.
Betty: I know, but look how nice this one is! And it’s 50% off!
Karl: It’s still ninety dollars, Betty.
Betty: Please!
Karl: All right, I’ll get it. You guys head to the seminar, I’ll be there as soon as possible.
Betty: And could you please get me a coffee?
Karl: Yes, I’ll get you some coffee.
Ten minutes later, the seminar is beginning and Karl rushes in with the coffee for Betty, who immediately spills it on herself.
Betty: Damn it! You never said it would be hot!
Speaker: Ma’am, do you need a napkin?
Betty: Yes, thank you Melissa.
Karl: Well there went five dollars.
Velma: We need to be quiet now, don’t want to be distracting.
Cindy: Y’know, that little old lady really hit me hard. I’m a little impressed.
Velma: SHHH!!!
Forty-five minutes later, the seminar ends.
Melissa: Does anyone have any questions for any of us?
Betty: Yeah, I have a question for the TSA lady.
Melissa: You mean Pam?
Betty: Yes, Pam.
Pam: What is your question?
Betty: Okay, so I saw a pamphlet for Jamaica during the expo. Since that’s a territory of the United States, do I need a passport to go there when we travel at your airport?
Pam: Well, I have a first answers to that. First, our airport does not have service to Jamaica available until next year. Second, Jamaica is not a territory of the United States.
Betty: Wait, it’s not? But isn’t that where the president went and threw paper towels at people?
Pam: No, that would be Puerto Rico, not Jamaica.
Betty: Oh! I withdraw my question then.
The seminar ends ten minutes later.
Karl: Teri, I’m gonna quick play a few games to try and win some prizes your mom wants. You guys should sit down, I’ll be about ten minutes.
Ten minutes later…
Teri: Dad! What is that?
Karl: A cooler, a framed map of the state of Virginia, a “Virginia Is For Lovers” purse, and a Utica, New York baseball hat. All it cost me was forty-five dollars, signing up for a new credit card, and booking a vacation to Utica, New York.
Velma: I used to live there! Why in the hell would anyone ever want to go on vacation there? It’s the most boring place on Earth.
Karl: Ask your aunt.
