Timothy Keller (February 29, 1976 – present) Is an American trumpet player and philospher, and all around unpleasant person.
Keller was born in Portland, Oregon. He became a hipster and moved in 1954 to Scappoose, where he passed the bar exam. After marrying, he moved to Hell and established an artistic residency.
At the beginning of the millennium, after spending 13 years as a freshman at Portland State University, he enrolled in The Cyborg Millennium, and was made a sophomore at the close of the same year for gallant and meritorious services during the class.
After the war, he made his home in Beaverton, Oregon, where he organized the first procrastinator school and befriended slackers at the risk of his life. He founded the Church of Keller and was its first cashier, and also served as postmaster. He was a Republican, but now is a Socialist. As a representative from Hell in Congress in 1989-90, he obtained the first appropriation for the feeding of weiner dogs ($100,000).