Data (Star Trek)

Data laughing at you in his positronic brain. God you're so fucking stupid.

“I never met that Data fellow, but Mark Twain did tell me he is "fully functional".”

~ Oscar Wilde on Data

“I met him in a dark ally in San Francisco, selling himself to any sailor that came through.”

~ Mark Twain on Data

“Data's got a rcoking robotic cock.”

~ Random Dance Girls doing it with Data

Data is an android and a well known member of the Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God. He was created by a blind French pugilist who thought he was fixing his mother's toaster. Data has had a long career in Starfleet and has served with distinction aboard the USS Enterprise where he has pretended to not to have a sense of humor for 19 years so he can insult people to their face and get away with it. This is largely considered one of the greatest practical jokes ever. Data is super smart and super strong and is the only being in existence to eat the 10-ton Burrito at Pepe's Burrito Shack. Data is also aware that you're really fucking stupid and you only pretend to "get" all the jokes your smart friends tell you, who are in fact total retards when compared to him. Data really hates Captain Picard and is waiting for the right chance to kill him. This was set back a little when Data was killed by Picard's fucktard clone, but chances are Data will be back because Picard can't piss without his help.

Did you know?

• Due to his android motor skills, Data can speed-hump your leg up to 30,000 times a second.
• Data discovered the cure to AIDS? He then realized that he's an android and can't get AIDS and erased it from his memory because he thinks sick people are really funny, especially when they're the gay.
• Herman Munster is Data's second cousin.
• If you prick him, he leaks.
• He taught his cat the entire Meow Mix jingle.
• Data prefers American English over English English because of a rare android allergy to the letter "U".
• Data is fully functional, and by that I mean he has a penis, and by that I mean he can fuck, and by that I mean keep him away from farm animals.
• Captain Picard thinks Data is his best friend. Data thinks Captain Picard should stop breathing.
• He may have had sex with Mark Twain.
• Then again who the hell would have had sex with Mark Twain.
• He had sex with Picard, Wesley Crusher, Worf, Geordi, Troi, and Dr. Crusher, however the childern got abandoned on a planet.
• He was married once to mack the Red operation overdrive ranger but divorced him when he became human.

Data and macks wedding.

Friendship with Mark Twain

Data and Mark Twain have been friends for a very long time. The pair first met when in 1894 Twain was looking for a prostitute to buy himself in San Francisco and coincidently Data happened to be whoring himself for money. The two became fast friends and traveled across the world looking for the true meaning of life. The pair broke up when Twain realized that life was pointless and Data realized that he was immortal anyway. To this day Data does not get a little tear in his eye when talking about Twain, but deep inside his positronic brain he's weeping.

Data the Lover

Data gettin' it on with a mettalic fetus.

“It makes me hot just thinking about how functional he is!”

~ Kim Bauer on Data

“My heart and you-know-what-else goes out in the most sincere of ways to Dr. Noonien Soong for designing him with a built-in vibrate option.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Data

Unknown to many, some of whom are his friends, Data is one of the greatest womanizers in history. Data perfected the "pretend not to have emotions" technique which makes most women hornier than an army of rhinoceros people. Data has had sex with a lot of chicks over the years including: Paris Hilton, Condoleeza Rice, Pam Anderson, Your Mom, Kim Bauer, Steve Irwin, and Marilyn Monroe.

Unfortunately, frequent womanizing has not come without its side effects. Data - long known for being "fully functional" - has begun to experience trouble achieving an erection. He can be seen discussing this with his ship's counselor:

Fun Facts About Data

• Data's favorite film is "I robot".
• DAta has had sex with Tasha Yar, The Borg Queen and a number of random alien chicks, all of whom were later seen walking quite strangely afterwards.
• Data has an Off button, but Riker prefers him to be turned on.
• Data is the seconf officer and a command level officer while only holding the rank of Lt commander.
• Data cats has changed gender and breed on no less then 47 occasions.
• Data can take over the ship in his sleep.
• Data owns 14% of DelMonte.
• Crusher is shying awaying from Data's curiosity about anal sex and his request for her to teach him about it.