Data (Star Trek)
“I never met that Data fellow, but Mark Twain did tell me he is "fully functional".”
“I met him in a dark ally in San Francisco, selling himself to any sailor who came through.”
Data is an android and a well known member of the Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God. He was created by a blind French pugilist who thought he was fixing his mother's toaster. Data has had a long career in Starfleet and has served with distinction aboard the USS Enterprise where he has pretended to have Ass Burgers for 19 years so he can insult people to their face and get away with it. This is largely considered one of the greatest practical jokes ever. Data is super smart and super strong and is the only being in existence to eat the 10-ton Burrito at Pepe's Burrito Shack. Data is also aware that you're really fucking stupid and you only pretend to "get" all the jokes your smart friends tell you, who are in fact total retards when compared to him. Data really hates Captain Picard and is waiting for the right chance to kill him.
Friendship with Mark Twain[edit | edit source]
Data and Mark Twain have been friends for a very long time. The pair first met when in 1894 Twain was looking for a prostitute to buy himself in San Francisco and coincidentally Data happened to be whoring himself for money. The two became fast friends and traveled across the world looking for the true meaning of life. The pair broke up when Twain realized that life was pointless and Data realized that he was immortal anyway. To this day Data does not get a little tear in his eye when talking about Twain, but deep inside his positronic brain he's weeping.
Data the lover[edit | edit source]
“It makes me hot just thinking about how functional Data is!”
“My heart and you-know-what-else goes out in the most sincere of ways to Dr. Noonien Soong for designing Data with a built-in vibrate option.”
Unknown to many, some of whom are his friends, Data is one of the greatest womanizers in history. Data perfected the "pretend not to have emotions" technique which makes most women hornier than an army of rhinoceros people. Data has had sex with a lot of chicks over the years including: Paris Hilton, Condoleeza Rice, Pam Anderson, Your Mom, Kim Bauer, Steve Irwin, and Marilyn Monroe.
Unfortunately, frequent womanizing has not come without its side effects. Data – long known for being "fully functional" – has begun to experience trouble achieving an erection and needs to "discuss" this with ... someone.
Did you know?[edit | edit source]
- Due to his android motor skills, Data can speed-hump your leg up to 30,000 times a second.
- Data discovered the cure to AIDS. He then realized that he's an android and can't get AIDS and erased it from his memory because he thinks sick people are funny.
- Data prefers American English over British English because of a rare android allergy to extemporaneous usage of the letter "U".
- Data is fully functional, and by that I mean he has a penis, and by that I mean he can fuck, and by that I mean keep him away from farm animals.
- He may have had sex with Mark Twain.
- Then again who the hell wouldn't have had sex with Mark Twain.
