Alizée
“Alizee you're my hero. If you were a guy you'd have the most awesome mustache”
– Chuck Norris on Alizée
Alizée, which literally translates to "Chinese Water Torture" is also a nickname commonly used to describe the matriarch of the Perfect woman kingdom, is part of a rare species of human female, described by sources as "the hypothetical end result of if the French hadn't surrendered in World War 2. Her main habitat is either Corsica or Paris, but she is frequently seen along the coast of East Quaintleby-next-the-Sea-thorpe, just keepin' it real. Alizée is a rare exception to the French Women species. Her powers include singing, dancing, smiling, controling large populations of people, stealing the souls of men, women, and children, being able to turn people inside-out by dancing a jig, and heart surgery. She has the gift of turning gay men straight making them forget all about Elton John.
Alizée is considered by most religious leaders as an anomaly of the heavens - designed to be ordinary, but containing an extreme concentrate of perfection. God denies these accusations. David Lee Roth was famously coaxed out of Van Halen to act as guardian for Alizée - of the 599 attempts on Alizée's life made by jealous Tinkerbells, none have succeeded, at the cost of Mr. Lee Roth's hair, sobriety, and relevance to modern music. She once made Marilyn Manson suck his own ding-a-ling just so she could watch... hence why Manson had a few of his ribs removed.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Though some sources put forth the theory that Alizée was created in a laboratory by the government, it is believed by most contemporary sources that Alizée was born in Ajaccio, Corsica in 1984. She is reported to have stolen her first soul at age 2, when an unfortunate young tot by the name of Timmy was sucked in as she shuffled to the sounds of Sesame Street. There is little information on her life from ages 1-13, primarily because everyone around to witness it is currently either comatose or Agent Orange, and Agent Orange ain't talkin' for nobody. On her 13th birthday it was decided by the International Committee of Universal Perfection (ICUP) that the dancin' prancin' Francin' lady was worthy of the mantle of Perfect woman, a designation that would change her life forever.
Career[edit | edit source]
At the age of 15, Alizée traveled to Paris to compete in a singing competition. Sensing the seismic shock of Alizée's amazing performance half the world away in Los Angeles, Mylene Farmer, otherwise known as the "Queen Latifah of France", coralled her minions and flew to France, meeting with Alizée and presenting a contract to record albums, tour the world, and steal the hearts of men under her guidance. One of the mysterhdfies of Ms. Farmer's meeting is how she survived Alizée's power of heart stealing - upon investigation, it has been decided that it is because Ms. Farmer lacks a heart.
Gourmandises[edit | edit source]
The first album released by Farmer and Alizée, in the year 2000, was entitled Gourmandises, and had 8+ songs on it. The exact number of songs is unknown, as the human ear gives the fuck up on the eighth song, replacing the sounds of the album with a Rick Astley loop. This album is noted as the breakthrough of Alizée - 8,000,000 men, 4,300,000 women, and 200 bears are reported to have lost their souls to this album alone, and that's not even counting the number of head implosions. The blood of poor heterosexual men was running through the streets of Paris - the Alizée-machine had roared into life.
Mes Courants Électriques[edit | edit source]
Three years later, Farmer, who by now had evolved into the beginning stages of a Margaret Thatcher, teamed up with Alizée again to create their second album, Mes Courants Electriques. This album is considered a commercial failure in comparison to Gourmandises, but inquiries into the matter have decided that this is because very few people were left to buy the album - Gourmandises had left millions incapable of buying the album. The title of the record is reported to be in reference to rumors that Alizée is in fact a robot built to break France's streak of surrender, but is actually a reference to Alizée's love for computers and electroshock therapy. The first single of this album, J'en Ai Marre, was accompanied by a dance so liquidly sexual that forest fires began spontaneously breaking out in Siberia and Keanu Reeves was reported to have smiled at first glimpse. This dance is rumored to be the genesis of Blizzard's World of Warcraft, but after they realized some men are gay, they made it into a whole MMORPG game rather than just a game about Alizée's dancing. This would be Alizée's last album with Farmer. When asked about their split in Playboy magazine Alizée commented "If Mylene Farmer doesn't like it, she can kiss my black ass!"
Personal Life[edit | edit source]
In late 2003, she married Jérémy Chatelain, otherwise known as "Lucky Bastard." After her marriage to Jérémy was made public, men around the world began clawing their faces into pulps, women regained their husbands, and Keanu Reeves shed a tear. Divorce rates around the world declined by 45% and suicide rates among men went up by 60%. Although this put Jérémy in great danger, causing Moammar Gadhafi ( who eventually committed suicide for not being able to be Alizée's girlfriend) to declare him "more of a nuisance than NATO" as well as cuasing Mafia boss to place him on their hitlists, it was decided that it would be a sin to make Alizée unhappy, and Jérémy's life was saved. Even today Jérémy is not accepted by followers of Alizée, he has a respect rating of that similar to Justin Bieber or Rebecca Black. In her free time, Alizée enjoys pancakes, pina coladas, long walks on the beach, hunting fairies, and training her daughter to succeed her as Head Vixen of the Universe, continuing the role of Perfect woman in the family lineage as, it has been recently discovered, Jérémy Chatelain is the closest thing to the French Women species.
Before Jerm's Alizée had a boyfriend name Dick Hertz. After a month of dating Alizée caught Dick in bed with a German lederhosen tailor named Jack Hoff. Alizée was so disgusted by this she took Jack Hoff and ripped off his big German shmushtel. Jack Hoff was then immediately forced to listen to Mylene Farmer causing him to die within 7 days due to extensive brain damage. The French Police Department could find no evidence of Alizée's involvement. It is also rumored that Alizée was fed up with being fed up and scared them away, but FUCKUP (The French Unified Company of Kinky Unintelligent Police) has denied this claim. No one knows what happened to Dick Hertz's body but it is assumed that he is the dead fairy fused onto Alizée's back. Surprisingly; Alizée has stated many times that she did in fact like Dick better than Jérémy but she couldn't stand to have a fairy superspeedo gaylord boyfriend which is why she is no longer with Dick. Consequently, this would eventually lead into Alizée's deep hate of fairies, especially Tinkerbell (love hate relationship really). Also Alizée has made comments to the press concerning Jérémy's small Shmushtel which is why Alizée very rarely lets him get funky with her! It is said by many that the only time Jérémy got anything done was when the couple had their first child together. Alizée wears the pants in her relationship, Jeremy just cleans 'em. Alizée is known for coining the phrase "he still didn't know where to put it!" in reference to her husband.
Alizée is also well known for her flamboyant crush on President Barack Obama
10 Easy Steps On What To Do When Meeting Alizée[edit | edit source]
- 1. Bow down, try to keep it in your pants.
- 2. Try not to faint; she can smell fear!
- 3. Keep the tongue in your mouth (even though she is french)
- 4. Keep repeating "Come to the U.S.", then try to French her
- 5. Watch and enjoy her kicking your ass
- 6. Offer gifts of candy - it'll pacify her and keep her from eating your soul
- 7. Think of an excuse to explain why it is that your drool has completely worn away the fabrics of your shirt
- 8. Enjoy - at this very moment, you've become enshrined in the club of "Lucky Bastards"
- 9. Try to prolong the conversation anyway possible
- 10. Repeat the process until blacklisted like RMJ
Discography[edit | edit source]
- Alizée's Scandinavian Folk Collections (Der Gretest Hets) (900 AD)
- Supralizée (1000 AD)
- Alizée Music for the Union (not Confederate crappers) (1864 AD)
- Gourmandissing (Sweet Taunting) (2000 AD)
- Miss Currents the Electrician (2003 AD)
- Psycho Delicious (2007 AD)
- Cinco de Mayonnaise (collaboration with Flavor Flav) (2008 AD)
- I Just Want The Charges Dropped (collaboration with Lindsay Lohan) (2012 AD)
- Alizée Meets Evil (Star date -002011 ADHD^2)
See also[edit | edit source]
External links[edit | edit source]
- http://www.alizee-officiel.com/
- http://www.facebook.com/pages/Aliz%C3%A9e/14762050573
- http://www.myspace.com/alizeeofficiel
- http://moi-alizee.us/
