Biggie Cheese

Biggie Cheese, posing in advance of the shooting of Barnyard.

Biggie Cheese, born Bigbert Jarquavious Camembert (August 7, 1954 – November 7, 2016) was a mouse, ex-drug dealer, ex-U.S. Army 2^nd lieutenant, 'Nam Veteran and gangsta rapper, who rose to stardom kudos to his small but significant cameo in the 2006 documentary film Barnyard, wherein he performed "Mr. Boombastic", one of his most critically acclaimed musical numbers, in front of a live audience. Numerous critics and media lists have very aptly cited Biggie Cheese as the only true "big cheese" of gangsta rap, his lyrical gifts unprecedented, and his musical genius unrivaled; all of this in spite of the many allegations, controversies and poverty he withstood both in and out of his career. One of these controversies was dating Taylor Swift, it is rumored that All to Well is written about the untimely end to their relationship.

Life and career

1954-1965: Early life

Bigbert Jarquavious Camembert was born to a family of eight on the outskirts of a predominantly criminally-populated ghetto town in the so-called "Commonwealth" of Kentucky on August 7, 1954. His currently anonymous, now-deceased father worked in the illegal drug trade and remained a wanted fugitive for three decades straight, while his also now-deceased mother, Muffintop Camembert, worked as a chemistry teacher at Schoolie McSchoolface. It was in 1958 that a four-year-old Bigbert would attend the institution his mother worked at.

Camembert's proficiency in chemistry, which his mother had bequeathed to him, astounded his classmates and teachers. Camembert's dad often used his son's rucksack as a concealment device for the stockpiles of heroin he had cultivated on his many excursions, and during one chemistry lesson had Camembert experimented with this heroin out of sheer curiosity, combining it with some of the grated cheese he had stored inside of his lunch box while his teacher wasn't looking. This resulted in the creation of a hitherto undiscovered substance, of which Camembert and his rabble-rousing classmates were fully aware was a narcotic. When questioned by his chemistry teacher, Mrs. Quadruplechin, about what he could have been storing within the confines of his clutch, however, Camembert informed her that the heroin-based drug was simply "cheese" and there was no need for concern. The drug was dubbed "cheese" in the end as the name rolled off the tongue well. Given the manner in which many of his classmates ascribed him to the drug's discovery (combined with his morbid obesity), all of Camembert's kith and kin had begun referring to him as "Biggie Cheese" whether they were aware of him being in possession of Class A drugs or not. Camembert abruptly had his legal name changed to Biggie Cheese the following week.

Biggie Cheese began modeling himself after his father and his work in the illegal drug trade and in the months following he set about dealing "cheese" to his mates, unbeknownst to his teachers and the Kentucky government. This brought in a fairly-sized amount of income which Biggie would use to obtain a rundown albeit operational shack (a fifteen-minute walk away from the barnyard most of Biggie's associates would treat as their drug den) to store and secure the stockpiles of "cheese" he had produced.

It was in 1965 that Biggie Cheese dropped out of elementary school at the age of eleven and lied about his age in a successful attempt to enlist in the U.S. army and serve in the contemporaneous Vietnam War.

1965-1966: Military service

A squad of Viet Kong gorillas preparing for war (circa 1960).

Official military service records assert that Biggie Cheese had excelled in the U.S. military to a degree that most ordinary men could only dream of attaining. Reportedly, Biggie Cheese had quickly been promoted to 2^nd lieutenant after barely six months of service. The amount of North Vietnamese orphanages and other infrastructure that "boomed" as a result of the bombing missions Biggie flew during Operation Rolling Thunder earned him the nickname "Mr. Boombastic". Biggie Cheese's army career would, however, be truncated as a consequence of a well-documented incident that took place in 1966; so the story goes, having let fly at all of the Viet Kong gorillas sighting him in the area to single-handedly defend his military unit, out of spontaneous albeit sheer badassery, Biggie Cheese began to copulate with the AK-47 he had already gone ballistic with before opening fire on his schlong, much to the stupefaction of the other members of his military unit. Such gallantry resulted in his discharge from the army, as well as the Congressional Medal of Honor, the Purple Heart, and a commemoration from President Richard Nixon.

1967-1995: Post-Vietnam discharge, dawn of music career

Following his discharge from the military, Biggie Cheese, traumatized immensely from the sacrifice of his phallus, and completely devoid of ideas for a potential future career, fell into a prolonged state of depression. The loss of his father (reportedly also a Vietnam veteran) would add fuel to these flames, and discouraged Biggie Cheese from returning to his "cheese"-trafficking days. Biggie Cheese felt as though such a state would constitute the remainder of his life, but in the long run, Biggie Cheese would turn over a new leaf and, taking inspiration from his distant cousin and eventual fellow would-be gangsta rapper Rap Rat, determined that gangsta rap would be the best way forward. Biggie Cheese would eventually put his first single, "Intercourse With an AK" to paper in 1991, written in tribute to his aforementioned affair with an AK-47.

On New Year's Day, 1992, Biggie released "Intercourse With an AK" to the public. Biggie's work went mostly unnoticed by the general public, but the insignificant scattering of musical critics with the stomach to hearken to the musical composition of such a novice in the art of gangsta rap panned the song due to its "risqué" subject matter. Biggie, in spite of these claims, decided it was too early for him to admit defeat. That same night he took to performing "Intercourse With an AK" at the nearby barnyard wherein its owner was absent and the residing talking animals had decided to host some sort of concert. Biggie Cheese, midway through his performance, knew he was on to something good once he drew attention to the instantaneous eargasms his audience was going through having got a load of his raunchy rhymes. It was after this very concert that Biggie Cheese made the acquaintance of Otis the Cow, who, despite being a male cow, was able to produce milk with his udder. Otis expressed his appreciation for Biggie's so-dubbed "charisma" and was willing to assist him with any potential future performances. Biggie accepted Otis's offer, and the two began getting things down to business. Otis facilitated Biggie with the foundation of the latter's independent record label, Big Cheese Records, which would help distribute Biggie's music to a wider, more mainstream audience.

On February 14, 1993, Biggie released "Orphanage on Fire", his second single, to the public, written in inspiration of the several North Vietnamese orphanages Biggie Cheese had deployed bombs on during Vietnam. "Orphanage on Fire" proved a success – not something enough to take the world by storm, but a success nonetheless – both critically and commercially, selling roughly 100,000 CDs globally. On June, 27, Biggie concurrently released his third, fourth, and fifth singles, titled "Guns Sex and Bitches", "Everyone I Know Is John F. Kennedy", and "Vehicular Manslaughter" respectively. Biggie supposedly based "Guns Sex and Bitches" on how he exploited his ostensible wealthiness (likely caused by his former association with the illegal drug trade) to obtain a satisfactory Playboy lifestyle, and an overall adequate sex life, while the latter two seem to have been written while Biggie had OD'd on "cheese" with a hint of meth and spontaneously began doing doughnuts in the Ferrari he carjacked from someone he presumed to be a "musical critic", running over the bodies of the many a pedestrian he hallucinated as the ghosts of JFK.

Biggie Cheese knew his career was coming to be on the up and up with the establishment of his independent record label. It wasn't long before Biggie turned up trumps again when he collaborated for the first time with aspiring chef Remy the Rat in his sixth single, rap duel "Double Word Shit", another composition displaying indications of yet another heroin craving of his, which was met with considerable enthusiasm among Biggie Cheese's moderately-sized fandom upon its release in November of 1993. On March 12, 1994, Biggie Cheese dropped "Mr. Steal Your Girl", his seventh single, another musical piece based around his sex life. "Mr. Steal Your Girl" proved quite the hit, outselling his then-most successful hit, "Orphanage on Fire" by 2.5%. Biggie Cheese suffered from an asthma attack while recording his eighth single, "Chalk 'n' Cheese," which would have stopped his clock had Dr. Sus "Pig" Domesticus – apt bearer of a doctorate in clinical psychology – not healed him within less than 20 minutes. Biggie released "Chalk 'n' Cheese" on October 5, 1994, much to adequate acclaim.

In April of 1995, Biggie Cheese would commence penmanship of his ninth Requiem in D minor, "Mr. Boombastic", with Otis the Cow's backing. "Mr. Boombastic" resulted in being much more well-received by critics by comparison to his previous works upon its release in May and caught on decently with the mainstream public for a short spell – so much so that Jamaican reggae rapper Shaggy produced a cover version of Biggie's minor hit single June that year as part of his third studio album, eponymously clept Boombastic. Biggie Cheese's 15 minutes of fame ran smoothly for quite some time, until the following week when Biggie caught ear on the news that Shaggy's cover had already outsold the original by a wide margin, thereby slipping away Biggie Cheese's potential legacy into the gates of obscurity he had started out from. Biggie only ended up bringing about US$10 thousand to the table, and with no royalties from Shaggy. Nevertheless, after three years of hard work had Biggie felt it was high time to unleash his debut album – Back at the Barnyard (1995) – to the world, grossing around 500,000 CDs across the globe.

1996: The Grand Shack Ransack of 1996

December of 1995 was when Biggie Cheese began preparing his second studio album's starting single – "I'm Da Biggest Cheese" – in advance, which was slated for release next month and in the succeeding year. Expectations would not meet reality with regards to the rotund rodent in question, however, as on January 21^st of 1996, Biggie drove home having signed autographs from fans in Illinois only to find that the several money-filled bin bags he consistently stashed in his basement were nowhere to be found, rendering Biggie Cheese skint. Local investigators deduced that an anonymous individual had successfully rummaged through his shanty in pursuit of the profit Biggie had earned from his career, and likely out of envy. Thereafter would Biggie Cheese take an fifteen-month hiatus from his career and a brief return to the drug trade in order to strike his stuff solvent, seeing as there was no other option. Biggie suppressed his involvement from his concerned fanbase and the general public out of fear he'd never get to spit another bar.

It wasn't until 2012 when investigators of the crime scene successfully identified the anonymous burglar as none other than supreme commander of the Disneyland military, Michael "Mickey Mouse" Rodent, who admitted to robbing Biggie Cheese of his money in court as part of the several smuggling operations the Disneyland military executed so as to "fulfil the needs of" Michael Eisner, then-Disneyland head of state. Rodent was fined $2,500,000 – a pittance by Disney standards.

1997-2006: Back in business, rap battle against Eminem, cinematic debut

Biggie Cheese felt he had gained enough moolah off of drug dealing in order to persist with his career, announcing his comeback on his primitive, Web 1.0-esque online diary. Biggie Cheese's insolvency had at this point already been made known of by the media, although much of his fandom were suspicious as to how he could have possibly compensated for his loss within but a year. For to hush up his involvement in the illegal drug trade and/or dispel any scandalous rumours from going out of hand and ultimately sullying his reputation, Biggie Cheese quickly devised an alibi for his unusually brief compensation by stating on his online diary's Q&A subpage that all it took for him to "retrieve his junk" was a "stint in the postal service". Little were Biggie's fanbase aware that "junk" in Biggie's alibi was a euphemism for heroin, or "cheese" as it were.

Biggie Cheese released "I'm Da Biggest Cheese" in April, 1997 as the first single of his to-be second album (codenamed simply Big Cheese), followed by "Where My Gwop At?!", which documented the robbery that begot his hiatus, much to a positive general reception upon its release the following month. Biggie Cheese collaborated with Ween in June of 1997 in order to produce "Ocean Man", which was a moderate success, making the Billboard 200 despite his being uncredited. The common consensus among the musicologist population goes that Biggie Cheese was liable for engendering the formula used for the chorus lines (and titles in several cases) of much of Katy Perry's best-selling singles with the success of his second album's third single, "I Shagged a Rifle and I Liked It", which was released on November 21, 1997. Biggie Cheese documented his route and rise to celebritydom in "Everybody Wanna Be a Superstar", which he chose to drop on Christmas Day of 1997 in order to keep his fans entertained during the holidays for reasons on which we are about to further elaborate.

Biggie Cheese stayed under the radar for the majority of 1998 in preparation for his impending rap duel against Eminem himself, which was slated for October and would serve as his second album's fifth single. The unanticipated October 18, 1998 release of "Mr. Boombastic vs. Slim Shady" instigated quite the excitement in the field of rap owing to the astonishing revelation that Biggie Cheese had achieved the never-before-attained distinction of becoming the first person to ever effectively defeat Eminem in a rap battle. This rap duel was essential in helping Biggie Cheese solidify his status the "big cheese" of hip-hop and would prove a pivotal point in Biggie Cheese's career – the single itself having accumulated an estimate of $6 million sales worldwide. The box office success of 8 Mile, a biographical hip-hop drama film produced by Eminem so as to clear his image having endured a humiliating loss to an abdominous rodent capable of verbal communication, would, however, cause the general public to forget about Biggie Cheese's resounding victory for the time being upon its 2002 release.

With the December 14, 2002 release of "Say Cheese (Or I Won't Be At Ease)" – the eighth single from his second album (which he ultimately chose to title All Hail Cheesus), Biggie Cheese felt as though he had run out of songwriting inspiration. Things stayed as such until the months that followed when Biggie Cheese was offered the chance to flaunt on the silver screen for the first time in his career by Otis the Cow, Biggie Cheese's aforementioned right-hand man, who was willing to assign Biggie a cameo role in Barnyard, a documentary film backed by Nickelodeon chronicling Otis's life and times, then in the pre-production process. Biggie Cheese satisfyingly acceded Otis's offer and sought his to-be film debut as an opportunity for him to tread the boards performing "Mr. Boombastic" on the big screen. As a result, Biggie decided to conclude his second album with a remaster of "Mr. Boombastic" featuring extended lyrics which would serve as the album's ninth and final single, and be performed in the film. Biggie Cheese announced his upcoming cinematic debut on his online diary, much to the excitement of his fanbase.

Barnyard was released on August 4, 2006 by Paramount Pictures. Critics and audiences alike held polarized opinions on the film's overall storyline but commended Biggie Cheese's performance above all. His ubiquity in the vast majority of the film's promotional material eventually led him to nationwide stardom, and through this would "Orphanage on Fire", alongside much of his previous works, make the Billboard Hot 100. Many self-proclaimed "Biggie Cheese enthusiasts" would deem August of 2006 to be the zenith of Biggie's career. Biggie Cheese decided it was high time to publicly release his second album, All Hail Cheesus (which he would have been keeping under wraps for nearly three years at this point), as a result of his unprecedented levels of fame. All Hail Cheesus sold an estimated 4.5 million CDs worldwide within the first two weeks of its release.

2006-2016: Hiatus and eventual comeback

Following the release of Barnyard, Biggie Cheese decided to go on hiatus having been made aware of the unforeseen acclaim he had been receiving out of nowhere as a result of his cameo in said feature film. It was because of this hiatus that Biggie Cheese never made the cut in Back at the Barnyard, the television series spawned as a result of the commercial acclaim Barnyard gave rise to, and, oddly enough, namesaked after Biggie's debut album. As to what Biggie Cheese was up to during his period of leave has remained undisclosed.

It is reported that during his hiatus he dated the Grammy winner Taylor Swift from May 2011 - October 2011, Taylor Swift commented on twitter that “All to Well is written as a bash at my ex Biggie Cheese, He is nothing but a two toothed rodent and he has no rizz.” He later said in an interview that most of his songs from “Biggie Cheese’s beats” are about the pop singer.

After nine years, on May 2, 2015, Biggie Cheese heralded his much-anticipated musical resurrection through his hitherto inactive Twitter account, and in the succeeding year, released his third and final album, Biggie Cheese's Beats To Have Sex And Commit Tax Fruad [sic] To (2016). Not only did this album comprise of fresh, unforeheard songs but remakes of previous releases, such as "Guns Sex and Bitches". These remakes featured lyrics re-written slightly to "resonate with audiences more", describing the offences Biggie Cheese had plotted to perpetrate in future during his hiatus in a light deemed by Biggie himself to be more "straight to the point like a [sic] arrow or a dart". Admittedly, some of the claims made in these rewrites are glaringly far-fetched, for example, Biggie Cheese's claim in the revamp of "Orphanage on Fire" that he had detonated the entirety of Malaysia in the weeks preceding the announcement of his return despite affirmation from then-Prime Minister Najib Razak that no such allegations were ever made. Notwithstanding these glaring flaws, Biggie Cheese's Beats sold over 20 million CDs across the globe and as of 2023 has surpassed over 250 million streams on Spotify.

Tax fraud charges

Midway through 2016 saw a dramatic global increase in tax fraud cases. Biggie Cheese was attributed to many of these cases for he had, apparently, composed all of the songs on his new album in such a way that the listener would be uncritically persuaded to commit tax evasion, according to Stuart Little, a long-time acquaintance of Biggie's since Vietnam who pumped about thirty bucks into the production of some of Biggie's latest beats. Law enforcement agencies all over America sought to apprehend and interrogate Biggie Cheese but their attempts were unsuccessful as a result of his whereabouts which were almost impossible to pinpoint to a T, owing to his small-scale stature.

Untimely death

Barry F. Henderson - the gunman in question.

On November 7, 2016, Biggie slipped onboard a flight to London, with plans to have a weeklong holiday there. On his arrival, Biggie hijacked a Toyota off of some random person and set forth for the streets, signing autographs for his fans along the way. Whilst signing his signature for a swarm of autograph hounds in Westminster, however, a gunman wielding an M9 and a Heineken beer bottle barged through the front door of a nearby rough pub and fired sixteen rounds at Biggie Cheese, killing him in the process. Officials eventually identified the gunman as Barry F. Henderson, the owner of said rough pub, who received a 25-year jail term after pleading guilty in court.

Legacy

Biggie Cheese has left an indelible mark on the realm of gangsta rap, and thus shall forever be remembered by gangsta rappers and enthusiasts of the field as one of the greatest gangsta rappers to have ever gangsta rapped. As a result of his perennial legacy, however, many attention whores on social media have – in attempts to steal Biggie's well-merited limelight – catfished under the guise of "Biggie Cheese", and as a result have unfortunately succeeded in their fraudulent attempts to convince people that they're the real Biggie, garnering the attention of millions in the process.

John Pork murder accusations

Urban explorers brought to light the decomposing body of Social media influencer and ex-gangster Jonathon "John Pork" Rhos Porkchop – a household name on the map for his pig-human hybrid image – upon its discovery in the fridge of a long-abandoned KFC in Frankfort, Kentucky, on March 3, 2023. Prior to this, John Pork had been declared missing for seven years owing to his septennial absence from the Internets. In a nearby casket laid John Pork's iPhone which he famously used during his days of stardom for the many unanticipated phone-calls to unsuspecting Instagram users he had made. Security agencies gained access to John Pork's iPhone and unearthed his final WhatsApp message, which read simply "Finally! KFC!". Mr. Pork had sent this message to his then-girlfriend, Alexandra F. Swine.

Private investigators hailing from the suburbia of Frankfort had initially held Biggie Cheese accountable for the assassination of John Pork, owing to the tyre tracks on the road adjacent to the KFC where John Pork was butchered, implying that Mr. Pork could have even been one of the many pedestrians Biggie was notorious for running over while he was high on meth. The jury ultimately tossed these accusations out the window amid a posthumous trial, however, due to a lack of mens rea and, more importantly, the fact that there was not a single eyewitness to John Pork's unfortunate, if not entirely avoidable, demise, judging by what CCTV footage from the time the incident took place had to offer. Biggie's alleged albeit denied involvement in the slaughter of John Pork made the rounds on Instagram and TikTok like wildfire when users caught wind of the unanticipated news in days to come.

Discography

• Back at the Barnyard (1995)
• All Hail Cheesus (2006)
• Biggie Cheese's Beats To Have Sex And Commit Tax Fruad To (2016)

Footnotes

Bad Motherfuckers

Adam West • Biggie Cheese • Billy Mays • Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup • Blue Beetle • Bob Knight • Bruce Campbell • Bruce Lee • Charles Bronson • Chow Yun-fat • Christopher Walken • Chuck Norris • Clint Eastwood • Dirty Harry • Dolemite • Mr. Garrison • The Green Hornet • Jackie Chan • Jet Li • Joe Camel • Jack Dempsey • James Bevel • Jimmy Blackman • Jimmy Mozzarella • Juggernaut • Knight Rider • MacGyver • Manny Pacquiao • Martin Luther King, Jr. • Michael Biehn • Mike Tyson • The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit • Mohandas Gandhi • Mr. T • Notorious B.I.G. • Popeye • Qin Shi Huang • Quentin Tarantino • Rambo • Red Forman • Rick Astley • Sean Connery • Samuel L. Jackson • Shaft • Scott Aukerman • Steven Seagal • Tony Jaa • Wesley Snipes • Wonder Woman • Yogi Bear • Your Dad