HowTo:Make Black Metal
So, you say you want enter the dimly lit and filthy inner bowels of Black Metal??? Are you already a qualified practicer of Satan rituals, but need an extra outlet for your adolescent angst? Is your father a Lutheran minister who is dumb enough to unknowingly finance your Neo-Pagan blasphemies? Are you too uncool to play Dungeons & Dragons? Are you from Norway or Sweden or always wished that you were? Is your country extremely cold but you want to make it even colder? Well, simply follow these guidelines to create your very own Uber Grim Black Fukking Metal Horde!!!!!
Entering Through the Unholy Gates
Think you can become rich and famous playing black metal? Oh you sweet winter child. You will never get laid again after making a black metal band (really though, if you’re reading this then it’s never happened for you at all, also women are just a distraction) and your band will never make any money. (Science is close to finding a link between these phenomena.) Although Rolling Stone and National Geographic have named black metal the most popular and influential music genre of all time, there are currently an estimated 157 million black metal bands active in Europe alone, similar to an Ork WAAAGH from Warhammer 40k, on 32 thousand different underground labels, with thousands more springing out of coffins, caves and holes in the ground every day, while every black metal fan on Earth listens to only about 12 different bands that they consider to be tr00 (and they also have no money). Few ever hear or know the existence of any of the same bands as somebody else, and this oversaturation and elitism creates a dark monetary void from which few can escape. But nobody ever said that being this evil was going to be easy.
Each member of your band should be in at least ten other bands at the same time. It is also useful to have side jobs to support your blasphemies, such as working in an evil post office like Fenriz, getting elected to your evil local city council against your will like Fenriz, opening an evil tattoo shop like Wrest from Leviathan (awesome one-man band, and arch-nemesis of Behemoth, fucking posers) or starting your own evil cloven hoof-themed petting zoo. Also adopt to your zoo some cute cuddly pandas as research has shown that the endangered creatures are 666 percent more likely to mate after listening to black metal (but only bands that wear corpsepaint for some reason). And cute cuddly pandas are kvlt as fvck.
Some tr00 tips:
- Constantly deride other black metal bands for buying into a "scene", even though you yourself are a part of it.
- Constantly deride black metal fans for being “elitist” even though you yourself are elitist.
- Constantly deride other humans for being part of the "human race", even though you yourself are a part of it.
- Be misanthropic. If you’re not feeling misanthropic enough, listening to a few nanoseconds of a song by Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran or Maroon 5 should make you instantly want to kill humanity.
- Burn down half the churches in Norway to try to resurrect Norse Paganism, even though most of them were originally ancient Pagan churches.
- Contradict and negate yourself as much as possible.
- Always stay true to your beliefs and convictions.
- Don’t be pretentious or political, even if you’re a Liturgy fan and/or a nazi. Try to hate everyone equally, including yourself.
- Environmental activism is fine. Killing humanity and saving the earth go hand in hand.
Having friends is not black metal. So having band members is entirely optional. You could form a totally not gay two-man band. Or you could form a one-man project about how much you hate the world and humanity, even though your country has a high standard of living. Even better than forming a one-man band, have no members whatsoever in your band and release albums that don't exist. The less humans involved in your project, the better.
“I had to make a couple bands by my lonely, fuck, nigga, I don’t wanna be your homie!”
Note that due to the release of approximately ∞ albums released every day in the already bloated Black Nonexistent Metal scene, most agree that the subgenre has become a cesspool of trendhoppers and hipsters.
Form seventeen concurrently active one-man bands that all sound the same (ie really good) and release 17 different albums per year, one per band. Go by a different nickname in each band. Form your own record label and fill out your roster with only your own one-man bands. Form one two-man band with the guy who tried to strangle you with his bare hands years ago for forcing him to ruin his voice for your improvised jazz black metal jam session recordings. This is fine. He has the true hatred within him. Continue to work with this person for years to come.
You could create black depressive suicidal metal (BDSM) about how you’re a depressed sad panda. Some of the best bands in depressive black metal are Happy Days, who take their name from the classic depressing sitcom, Make a Change… Kill Yourself (MACKY), Xasthur whose sole member Malefic may or may not be dead already, and Silencer whose founding member has the distinction of being one of the first black metal artists to be checked into an actual insane asylum. But he’s doing just fine now, and still making music which warms all of our black hearts!
Get yourselves some names instead of <insert name here>, because let's face it, your name is not very evil. Try something that sounds cold with a couple of 'oths' for best effect. Names taken from the Black Speech of Mordor are also very grim. If you use only initials, you'll be even more grymm and mysteriouzz. Remember not to misuse your new name, as it is far more than a nickname, it is the true name of your dark essence passed down to you by the Ancient Ones. Black metal art is SUPER serious and is NEVER absolutely hilarious and silly.
When taking band photos, make sure they are horrible quality black and white photos taken in the darkest forest on the darkest night possible, with everyone wearing all black and hiding behind various shrubs, so that nobody can tell what you really look like and you will be very mysterious and evil. People should only be able to tell how ugly you are. If you’re not ugly you can’t play black metal. In 2006, Darkthrone’s Nocturno Culto was named Sexiest Man in Black Metal, and was forced to start playing crust-punk.
Never try anything new. Your band should sound more like every other black metal band that came before it than every other black metal band that came before it. Eventually every black metal song will be one note played over and over again, which will imitate the sound of Gjallarhorn and bring about Ragnarok.
Abominable Utterations of Necrospeak
How to sound necro? There are several fundamental principles to this:
- 1) Make everything look like NORSK. Also to a lesser extent DEUTSCH. For example don't say Black Metal when you can say DER Blækk Mettal
- 2) Add senseless adjectives: Why say DER Blækk Mettal when you can say DER Norsk Arisk Blækk Mettal (no matter you can't fucking pronounce it properly)?
- 3) As also seen in the previous example, there are several words, such as tru, grim, necro and fuck which have to be used as gratuitously as possible. Why say DER Norsk Arisk Blækk Mettal when you can say DER Fucking Tru and Kvlt Grim Necro Norsk Arisk Blækk Mettal?
- 4) It is very important that you do not utilise ordinary grammar and spelling. In DER BLAKK MEHTVL SPE4K, those are secondary, while DER GRYMMNEZ of DER SPEVK is fundamental. Never say DER Norsk Arisk Blækk Mettal when you can say DER Fvkking Tr00 and Kvlt Grymm Nekro Norsk Arysk Blækk Mettal.
- 5) Practice! With time DER GRYMMFVLNEZZ ov your sentences will increase. Be creative, combine different grymmful words, replace random letters with "v"s or "Y"s, add random "R"s or “H”s, capitalize random letters or change the order of words in a sentence, and use as many senseless adjectives as possible.
- 6) In conclusion: Why say DER Fucking Tr00 and Kvlt Grymm Nekro Norsk Arysk Blækk Mettal when you can say DER Fvkking Tr00 and Kvlt Grymm and Frostbitten Pure Unholy Hateful Raw Nekro Krieg Elitist æonic Br00tal Wrathful Hyperspeed Inverted Icecold Wintry Deutsch Norwegian Transylvanian Pagan Diabolikal Anti-Cosmic Orcish Wolfen Bestial Heretical Genocidal Homicidal Suicidal Medieval Nihilistic Mysanthropik Blasphemic Apocalyptic Hellfired Holocaustic Panzerkrieg Dunkel Diabolikal Goat-Worshipping Fistfvkking Christraping Soul-crushing Deathworshipping Skullfucking Thelemic Orthodox Germansk Hedensk Satanisk Hellnorsk Arysk Svarte Mörk Blækk Fvkking Goatpenis Mætalle OV DAATH??????
Black metal lyrics cover a wide variety of lyrical themes (Satan). But the main keys to writing blak grim kvlt necro lyrics are: Christ killing, humanity hating, poser exterminating, goat shagging pagan whore vomiting on the cross, cute cuddly pandas, hail Satan: This would actually be said as AIEEEE AEEEEE AAAAA AAAAAAGHHHAGAHHHH. This is just the basic text. True talents add more words to the text like: 'chaos' or 'blood' or 'raaah'. Some true geniuses add random German words (example: 'Black Metal ist krieg' (this can be the entirety of the lyrics of your song)). Combine words together, i.e. 'selfmutilating godhate holocaustwinds blackmetalband'. Randomly yell things like "Ea Ea Sebek Ioa Saboa Kali Ma" (roughly translated: Black Metal up your pee-hole). After you have the basic structure of your song, place the text into an online translator and translate it to Norwegian. Then translate the translated text back into English. Then Medieval Olde English. Then into Orcish. And finally transcribe it into archaic Norse. Give the song a name in German. Throw in some random Latin phrases and quotes by famous Satanists. The finished product should be in the LANGUAGE OF THE BEAST, making it ultra-hardcore.
You could also make up your own language that sounds like words, but is actually nonsensical gibberish (see: Urfaust).
Abyssal Pandemonic Cacophonies
Hammer as quickly as possible on a drum kit, or in a pinch tape-record a jackhammer or a machine gun and use that sound. (This can be more technical than the guitar.) Blasting drums are the most important thing about your sound. Black metal drumming was invented by Vishnu many aeons ago, and four-limbed humans have been trying to emulate his eight-limbed technique ever since, with limited success. The closest band to approach his speeds is Marduk, the greatest black metal band ever (not even joking), whose blastbeats are so fast that they can’t be recorded by any human senses, electronic equipment or even the CERN particle accelerator. Scientists are currently researching how the blastbeats on their album Panzer Division Markduk can be harnessed for possible light-speed space travel. A blastbeat consists of the drummer playing so fast that he is literally trying to kill himself on the kit and blast his soul at near-lightspeed into the void. Timing isn't really important, or technique, but you have to be willing to break your arms, legs and the laws of physics to get that folding-space level of blasty-ness. If you’re not dead or in another galaxy by the end of it, you probably did it wrong. Keep trying! And make sure your drums are barely audible in the final mix.
For that buzz-saw guitar sound, most “professional” black metal musicians use actual buzzsaws, in an ear-torture method invented during the Spanish Inquisition, but in a pinch a real guitar will do. Make the most simple guitar riff you can come up within an hour of fucking around, remember it - you'll be playing it for a while, so invent something that won't strain your hand, and will still allow you to manually stimulate your pet goat after the gig. Do keep in mind that melodies are for emo fags (unless you’re from Sweden). Make sure your album has as little flow as possible and make every other song blatant Celtic Frost worship (See: Panzerfaust by Darkthrone). Turn the bass on your guitar all the way down and treble all the way up and use nothing but tremolo riffs or Lucifer will eat your face and your family. The tremelo riff consists of strumming up and down very rapidly using the wrist or elbow, also known as the Carpal Tunnel technique, for the entirety of your 79 minute 58 second album. Even while playing simple riffs, this will strain your hand and there’s nothing you can do about it. Don’t play any solos or Satan might lose his potentially cosmos-crushing erection. Don't even bother with a rhythm guitar; your bathroom sink, or tv static, when turned on full blast, will compensate for the lack of one. Use as many reverb, distortion and delay pedals as possible. Your guitars should sound raw, old and primitive like the meats consumed by your satanic caveman ancestors. Use an old bass and repeat the same riff throughout your entire album. Bass and guitar should be barely audible in the final mix.
Stand on the peak of a snowy mountain and place your vocal microphone at the bottom of the mountain. (You must be an expert at mountain climbing to play black metal.) Scream your vocals at the top of your lungs while stabbing yourself in the testicles with a white-hot knitting needle. This technique was perfected in the third age of black metal by the best kvlt vocalist of all time, Gollum. This should create a sound akin to the listener’s eardrums being rubbed with sandpaper. Famously, Inqusition’s Dagon inhales a live frog before vocalizing. For bonus points put yourself in an alcohol and drug-induced Satanic frenzy before climbing/stepping up to the mic. (A true black metal artist should know - and LOVE - narcotics. My nigga.) If singing in a booth, major damage incurred to the booth during recording is highly encouraged. Get your dying granny to do some backing/guest vocals on your album. Her and Satan go way back, she met him while on acid at an Arthur Brown show in 1967. She will show YOU how to perfect aural murder and hellfire, kiddo. Vocals (except granny) should be barely audible in the final mix.
Want to add some extra deathly cold to your black metal vocals? Black metal is now sponsored by Mentos Deathmints. Death goes better with Mentos, flesh is devoid of life. Mentos: the Deathmaker!
Add some keyboards if you want. But make them sp00ky, medieval or vaguely symphonic-sounding. A good keyboard sound can make the listeners want even more to commit genocide, necrophilia and mass suicide (see Defending the Throne of Evil by Carpathian Forest). Don’t make some gay ass industrial trance shit like new Samael or whatever the hell Semargl is supposed to be. Only a few can pull off this sound successfully (Thorns, Mysticum, …And Oceans) without it sounding gayer than George Michael with a stomach full of ecstasy. Fenriz says he will not mix in electronics because it is not Darkthrone. Darkthrone is black metal. Black metal is Black Metal. “This music should be driving people to suicide, not to dance raves.” Listen to Fenriz kids. He’s one of the last century’s great musical geniuses. Keyboards should be barely audible in the final mix.
Record it all in one take on cassette tape with your dad's old barely-functional tape recorder, in a dilapidated basement, a cabin in the deep dark woods of Norway, or somewhere with a TON of reverb, such as in the Memorial Hall of Edvard Grieg, on top of or in the caverns beneath a snowy mountain (careful not to knock the mountain down) or deep in the buttfuck frozen wastelands of Antarctica which is also where you should most want to live by this point. Or anyplace COLD, which will automatically make you sound more atmospheric. Darkthrone’s Transylvanian Hunger, the greatest album of all time, was recorded in a walk-in freezer, while Immortal’s At The Heart of Winter was recorded on Neptune’s moon Triton, which has an average surface temperature of -235° C. Alternatively, to invoke the flames of Hell, some bands have taken to recording near or inside of erupting volcanoes, such as Satyricon on their Volcano album, and some have attempted to land on the blazing surface of Venus, but have so far been unsuccessful. Black metal should be very cold or very hot, but never lukewarm.
When you're finished, your ‘music’ MUST sound like a defecating Balrog being carpet-bombed by a squadron of B-52s in the middle of a blizzard, otherwise you won't be taken seriously as a black metal artist baptized in unholy infernal blood and bestial black goatsemen.
Remember to thank Granny for her vocal assault and the use of her knitting needles before she shuffles off, and return the tape recorder to your dad's church office.
Releasing Stormblades of Hatred
Sell all your early 90's demos for ridiculous prices because they are 'kvlt', even though you actually recorded them last week. Remember, everything new is crap, and everything old is kvlt. Also claim that Euronymous personally signed them for you moments before his gruesome demise even though you never met the guy and have never been to Norway. Also you hadn’t even heard of black metal until 2004.
In 10 years everything that's crap will be kvlt. Then in 20 years it will be poser shit again because all the noobs are listening to it. The biggest posers in the scene are also some of the oldest bands somehow. Break up as soon as possible. Once people latch onto you like feral leeches your dark lifeforce will be greatly waned.
Make tons of split albums with the most unknown black metal bands you can find, releasing exactly 666 copies of each, and only release them on cassette tapes. This proves to the listeners that you are too poor to make a full length album or release a compact disc, and therefore you are kvlt as fvck.
Claim that you were possessed by Satan during production and don’t remember large periods of writing and recording your own music. (See Casus Luciferi by Watain, great album.)
On your liner notes, make everything sound EXTREME and remind people of how evil you are no less than 666 times a second, even though you’re actually pretty nice people. For example, your band doesn't play music. You create new æon satanick propaganda. Instead of saying that so-and-so plays drums, say he fires the infernal war artillery, vocals are "throat", "pagan grunts" or "blasphemic puking of vocal Armageddon", guitar is known as "chainsaw", "battle-axe" or “666 strings” and bass "4 strings of the Apocalypse" or “Satan’s big bottom end”. List your band's influences as "wolfcalls", "the pain of existence" and "Mayhem". Never include your lyrics with anything you release. And of course, tell everyone that you play Black Metal for the message, NEVER because of the trendy image. If someone says they like black metal because it's “cool”, you should sacrifice them to Satan. Finally at the end of your liner notes remind your fans to burn down their local church.
Some black metal artists have released box sets of their demos. If you go in this direction, include some random garbage, your pet's severed foot, a hand grenade, and some of your own feces in the box. It will sell like crazy on E-bay.
Before you release your album, run a quick test by placing your music next to a bible. If the bible bursts into flames, you're all set. If not, throw out the entire thing and start over.
Live Undead Dæmonick Rituals
“I may be naive, but what performer wants his audience dead?”
If you decide to do a live gig, remember the following:
- Always dress in corpsepaint (paint made from corpses), leather bondage gear, nooses (also handy after the gig), chains (dirty and rusty, not gangsta bling or nu-metal style), bullet belts filled with live MG42 machine gun ammo (but no guns, Black Metal is very luddite), obscure band shirts that are way too small on you, old ripped up pants that you found on the side of the road somewhere (you should look like you were attacked by a wolverine), medieval looking weapons, armbands with rusty 10-inch carpentry nails sticking in every direction (watch out for tetanus), upside-down cross microphone stands made of your late granny’s femurs, and a good splash of goat's blood on your person. If no goats are available, you can kill a few pigeons outside the club and use their blood instead. Lastly cover yourself head to toe in the ashes of your fallen enemies.
- Remind your fans that they are all worthless cattle and should be exterminated.
- Kill a few animals on stage, stick the carcasses on pointy things, nail some people to crosses, shower the crowd with rancid pigs blood, and try to draw people's attention away from your nonexistant musical talent and get them angry.
- Another way to do this is to play so loudly that the audience's ear drums will be blown out after one song.
- Make sure to leave your dead animals out in the sun to rot for several hours, so the show will reek of death and decay and give all your fans tuberculosis. Alternatively, crack open some cans of Swedish surströmming (fermented herring) to get the same effect.
- Try as hard as you can to get banned from every country you visit.
- Pass out razorblades to all the crowd members at your show. No fake blood at a true black metal gig.
- If you decide to sign autographs, carve them in esoteric Satanic symbols on your fans' foreheads with a twelve-inch dagger made of the bones of your enemies.
- For bonus points, bury yourself in dirt for an hour before each show so you'll smell like a freshly dug up corpse. Better yet, bury yourself forever to get that true death-stench.
- Have your bandmates declare you missing, presumed to have committed suicide, then change your nickname to something else to make it look like they got a new lead singer, then months later reveal your true identity while on stage and proclaim you have been resurrected under Satan. Kill anyone who doesn't bow down right then.
- By the end of the show, the audience should either be longing for death, or already be a pile of corpses.
And the number one rule of Black Metal shows: Never, ever look like you're trying. Always look like you'd rather be somewhere else, or dead, than playing in front of the idiotic peon masses before you.
Oh, and never play live.
Oculatory Boreal Wizardry
Your first black metal video should take place in a forest (watch out for hunters), the most popular forest is the Forest Ov Forgotten Souls Ov Winters Past. It's on the left hand path about a mile past the Field Ov Suffering And Hatred Ov An Over-Worked Farmer. This is where you go after the music video to help the poor over-worked farmer kvltivate the ground to prepare it for the evil poisonous crops and grimly reap them afterwards like the souls of so many worthless human fleshbags.
Put on white and black corpsepaint, or if there are no corpses handy to make paint from then just wipe bird shit and swamp slime on your face. Don't forget about getting a black over-sized robe, cape and witch's hat (black metal videos are akin to LARPing) and dye your hair black, blonde hair is sometimes frowned upon in the BMC (Black Metal Community), but some can pull it off (such as Dolk from Kampfar, black metal's answer to David Lee Roth).
Make sure you go to a yard sale or pawn shop and buy an old VHS camcorder, and find a VHS tape that has been erased and recorded over a dozen times to record the music video on so you get those lines on the the screen when you watch it and so it looks old, evil and everlasting like a gobstopper from VVillie VVonka’s Dark Chocolate Factory, and dirty and rotten like those Vermicious Knids.
Make sure it’s winter and you’re running around in corpsepaint and looking evil in the woods. By no means should you ever run around in corpsepaint in the middle of summer in a Subway parking lot looking merely suspicious. And don’t even think about going in there and ordering in a ridiculous voice a grim COOOOLLLD CUUUT combo… EXTRA COOOLLLD…
Curl your lips downward in a permanent stank-face. Stomp around and look very scary and confused whilst holding some medieval-looking weapons and your late granny’s skull up to the The Frost-Ensorcelled Fullmoon of Darkest Might. Try some firebreathing even if you have no idea how, the more likely you are to immolate yourself, your bandmates, the entire forest, or set off the ammo in your bullet belts, the more tr00 the result.
At the end of your video, rip off all your clothes and run screaming into the fog-shrouded woods, never to be seen again.
Watch this so you get the idea:
For more tips, see these seminal masterpieces of visual dark art: The Black Satans - The Satan of Hell, and Detsorgsekalf - In the Blood of a Thousand Virgins Rises Chevy Chase (from the Caddy Shack, I Summon Thee).
Arcane Diabolical Gourmandism
The ritual satanic bloodletting can be draining of energy, so it's important to know how to make grim and necro cuisine to recharge your unholy essence. Trve black metal artists only eat the raw flesh and blood of their freshly murdered victims, except for that Vegan Black Metal Chef guy, who is still pretty kvlt. However, there also are different methods if you don't want to stain your black shirt with red.
The French Orthodox Institute of Tr00 Cooking, founded by Hasjarl Hirilorn in 1578, is the primary source of many of the most famous recipes, which include:
- Goat’s head on a stick with mint chutney
- Pig’s blood soup, served cold
- Bandmate cutlets breaded in Varg’s Crispy Cornflakes
- Priest brain burgers (Dummy Burgers), grilled on local church woodfire
- Cheese-stuffed churchgoer, baptized in fire
- Pan-fried soul fillet with lemon
- Fried plague rat with mango sauce
- Angel wings cooked in sulphur sauce
- Revenge sorbet, served extra cold
- 1349’s Hellfire chili, celestially deconstructed
- Darkthrone’s So Grim So Cold pizza with punk-stuffed crust
- Abbath’s crab legs with Gaahlic butter, paired with white wine
- Shotgun pellet salad, served hot
- Cream of nuclear mushroom cloud soup, served extra hot
The French, who eat pain for breakfast, are also the keepers of the legendary Circum spice, which is required to be able to see their monuments, and is also rich in Deathspell Omega-3s.
You don't need very much skill to be a good black metal cook, in fact the most important thing is to look as grim and necro as possible while carelessly throwing together your infernal concoctions. The less work put in, and the more hellish incantations uttered during cooking, the more Tr00 the result. Here is a quick instructional video from professors Murkk and Blasphemer:
Final Descent to Stygian Utopia
“Excuse all the blood”
If for some reason you’re still alive by this point…
Kill yourself, leaving an apology note for firing a gun indoors and a gruesome scene that could be photographed and used later as a bootleg album cover by the rest of the surviving members, after they've finished eating your brains off of the ceiling, and using your skull fragments for their arts and crafts projects. And if your music was trve enough your soul can finally go forth to enjoy the sweet embrace of the unholy flames forever. If you were a poser you will immediately reincarnate as a Mormon.
If you’re in a one-man band, split up with yourself, never to be seen again.
Have fun!
(During suicide or murder is the only time you’re allowed to have fun in black metal. You’re also allowed and encouraged to smile in court if put on trial for said murder.)
PS: Please disregard everything on this page because following a set of rules is totally untr00. Black Metal is not confined by petty mortal guidelines!
Non serviam!
See also
- Gaahl
- Fenriz
- Varg Vikernes
- Quorthon
- Darkthrone
- Dimmu Borgir
- Celtic Frost
- Murder
- Satan
- Blood
- Satyricon
- Immortal
- Suicide
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