Courtnology
Courtnology [1] is the worship, reverence, and buying of drinks for Courtney Love, the Wonderful Counselor, Mighty Goddess, Everlasting Mother, Princess of Peace, Drunk-Ass Ho. While recent studies have proven it to actually be the one true faith, it is met with resistance and/or gales of derisive laughter from followers of most other religions. In spite of this rift, Love gets along great with the other deities (who, as a rule, think exactly the opposite of their followers) and is a regular at Dionysus's parties.
Origins[edit | edit source]
In 2004, Love went through extensive surgery and is now a 22-year old manga chick with small vestigial wings. Some dude pretending to be a Japanese businessman [2], after paying homage to Mr. Miyagi (The Karate Kid) who died in Las Vegas from enlightenment, started writing a Japanese anime series for NHK about Love and her band Hole. It probably would have been more or less ignored if it were not for the back cover of the first book, which contained the following two overly-dramatic titles that Love added:
A Diva Torn From Chaos
A Savior Doomed To Love [3]
The entire world ground to a halt for a few moments as everyone paused to gasp a collective "What the fuck?" [4] This comic book series was later anthologized and published as The Book of Courtnology, the biblical source of all things Courtney Love, with over 1 billion copies sold as of 2010. [5]
WTF, God?[edit | edit source]
"That's right, bitches, I'm your savior!" spoke Courtney to humanity in general. "All this time you thought I was just your normal average everyday kickass punk rock goddess/psychopathic murderer/angel of the lost and rejected/crack whore/attention whore/plain old whore, I was the fucking MESSIAH!" [6]
The press concluded that God had finally snapped and immediately flocked to his small home in Des Moines, Iowa, where he held a press conference. [7]
(doorbell plays "You Light Up My Life")
God: Yeah, what is it?
The Press: Let's cut to the chase, God. Courtney Love: loco, muy loco, or muy muy loco?
God: Oh, her. What did she do this time? Are she and that nice Dave Grohl boy finally getting married again?
The Press: She's saying she's the messiah.
God: …Oh my me, are you just now figuring that out? Yeah, she's my kid. Dammit, I thought this was going to be something important.
The Press: But what about Jesus?
God: He was more of a messiah drill. I was testing you to see if you could handle divinity, and you royally screwed up. So I thought I'd wait a couple thousand years before springing the real thing on you. So far you're not doing that much better than before.
The Press: So you're saying Courtney Love is half-God?
God: No, she's a full-blooded deity. What can I say, Isis and me had one too many drinks one Saturday night…the sex was great.
The Press: …she's a goddess? You mean, with complete control over the universe and everything?
God: You didn't notice?
The Press: What would have made us think that?
God: Oh, I dunno, how about the fact that nine hundred and twenty-six new species of butterflies spontaneously appeared in Congress last week?
The Press: Are you serious?
God: Yeah.
The Press: Really?
God: Really.
The Press: Really really?
God: Really really.
The Press: Really really really?
God: Can you hurry this up? I got a YouTube I wanna edit.
The Press: (stand and stare in silence, realizing how screwed humanity is)
WTF, Popemobile?[edit | edit source]
The Pope, upon hearing this news, released the following press statement in June 2008 from Vatican City:
"Look, if God wants to say that Courtney Love is the messiah, that's fine, but we're sticking with Jesus. He's much more marketable. I mean, what kind of audience are we gonna get with her as the figurehead? 'Come on over to the Catholic church! We always spike the communion wine!' …no, my man, it doesn't matter if she created Dr. Pepper; we just don't like her very much and that's final."
Love dismissed these comments as "retarded." The Pope subsequently got melanoma sores on his anal cavity and suddenly died.
No, Seriously, WTF This Time?[edit | edit source]
Although Love was already worshipped by a select few in California (State motto: "If It Moves, Start a Cult About It"), Courtnology's mainstream breakthrough came with the release of the holy book America's Goddess a few days after her husband and main dawg Krishna finally died of natural causes at the age of infinity. To this day, there is speculation that Krishna actually performed the miracles described in it. Love says that this is "almost as retarded as the Pope."
Devout Rastafarian Kurt Cobain was skeptical at first, but after reading the book, he committed to Courtnology and became a very high-ranking general. When news of this became widespread, millions of teenagers around the world impaled themselves on the Space Needle if Cobain said it was fun, and that this act will bring them closer to Courtnology as their souls left their bodies from the Space Needle, and into the enhanced cleavage of Courtney. [8]
The enormous and popular "Jesus Loves You Thiiiiis Much" statue overlooking Rio de Janeiro was quickly replaced with a sculpture of Love flashing. Coincidentally, there was a huge spike in tourism that year.
The store at courtneylove.com is selling a t-shirt of her crucifixion. [9]
Tenets of Courtnology[edit | edit source]
Courtnology teaches that The Middle Way is really, really boring and the surest path to enlightenment is a life of extremely excessive sex, drugs, rock and roll, and sex. Other fundamental principles of Courtnology include:
- There are evil spirits in your head called "dignity" that can be removed by meditiation, prayer, and flashing people
- Axl Rose is Satan
- There is no such thing as Gnarls Barkley
- Dressing is more fun in the dark
- Same deal with lipstick
- At least once in your life, you should make a pilgrimage to The Los Angeles Courthouse
- The Pope is retarded
Possible Followers[edit | edit source]
These people might be or might not be Courtnologists.[10]
- Paris Hilton
- Will Smith
- Quentin Tarantino
- Kirstie Alley
- Tom Green
- Margaret Thatcher
- J.D. Salinger
- Stevie Nicks
- The entire population of Nicaragua
- Santa Claus
- Denis Leary
- Britney Spears
- Lindsay Lohan
- Pikachu
- Jennifer Lopez
- Howard Stern and Beth Ostrosky-Stern
- Kanye West
References[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Curiously, Love herself actually looks like a Muslim
- ↑ While Courtney Love pretended to be a sex goddess on a stripper pole
- ↑ Courtney Love added these phrases because sociopaths tend to be dramatic
- ↑ Censored by The Church of Courtnology to protect the integrity and safety of its followers
- ↑ Howard Stern refuted this event on his radio show after his mistress Beth Ostrosky opined, "Is Japan a Greek name for Pluto?" Stern replied that Pluto is not a planet, and that Japan is a New York City restaurant called Nobu, where George Takei lives
- ↑ This was said after someone in the audience yelled that more people remember Joan Jett and Chrissie Hynde than Courtney Love Hewitt
- ↑ This never happened, unless you're a Quentin Tarantino fanboy who thinks Elvis sings Hawaiian showtunes
- ↑ Simultaneously converted with an audible "whoosh" of Courtney flashing her boobs
- ↑ I'm serious. You can't make this shit up
- ↑ Since when have we ever looked anything up?