Pixel
| Pixel | |
|---|---|
 A red pixel ↑ actual size | |
| Scientific classification | |
| Kingdom | Animalia |
| Phylum | Chordata |
| Class | Mammalia |
| Order | Primates |
| Family | Hominidae |
| Genus | Disneyus |
| Binomial name | |
| Disneyus chromatici | |
A pixel (Disneyus chromatici) is a very tiny luminescent monochromatic humanoid with pointy ears, cute little wings, a shrill irritating voice, and magical powers that defy bamboozled evolutionists to this day.
Skin color and behavior
Pixels come in all 16,777,216 magical colors of the rainbow, from infrablue (#123456) to ultramauve (#FEDCBA); however, many colors are yet to be discovered. Although pixels are often seen to congregate in vast numbers in geometric rectangular formations, most of them are racial bigots, preferring to remain in extremely close proximity to pixels that are very close to their own color. They will shunt other colored pixels into perfect parallels of their own group, then they will all throw electrons at each other. Pixels are often known to commit suicide attacks upon themselves with tiny bombs implanted at birth.
Life cycle
The typical lifespan of a pixel is usually quite short. However, it has been recently theorized that one of their most important magical powers is to occasionally resurrect themselves from their disk-like graveyards by the millions so they can dance their little magical glowing dances before dying again just as suddenly. This process is often mistaken for sleeping, but it is indeed complete death and resurrection.
Sometimes though, pixels will be killed in their sleep by other (differently colored) pixels. When this happens, it can spread out in the colony, leaving only one color of pixels alive. Dead pixels are very hard to dispose of. It is sometimes necessary to completely destroy a whole colony of them so that the festering corpses don't mar the landscape.
Discovery and subsequent enslavement
The pixel was accidentally discovered in the wild by the French naturalist Georges Seurat in 1865, after which he immediately surrendered; although the Canadians claim that they found them first, in 1864. But we all know Canadians are too busy with their maple syrup to do anything to impact the world.
Whilst leisurely walking through the idyllic and serene countryside just outside of France, Seurat was unexpectedly swarmed with billions and billions of glowing pixels, which scared the living shit out of him. But he finally realized that the incredibly minute creatures were quite friendly and totally harmless, like unhuffable kittens. Then the cunning Seurat filled a large empty milk bottle with them and took them back to his PETA-friendly lab in order to conduct frightening experiments by planting electrodes inside their tiny tiny brains. And, by judicious expenditure of thousands of volts of electric current, he forced them to dance their delightful magical dances for his Lord and Master Bill Gates.
Wholesale torture of helpless pixels
The evil Bill Gates then discovered a way to squish the hordes of helpless pixels using his ingenious JPEG torturing device, causing many of them to suffer painful internal injuries and spurt multicolored pixel blood and guts all over their closest neighbors. For this unspeakable horror rivaling the cruelty of the Spanish Inquisition, Bill Gates was recently elevated to sainthood by Pope Benedict XVI, even though he wasn't a practicing Catholic.
Voxels
Faced with decades of brutal enslavement, the pixels underwent a phase of extremely accelerated evolution, and some of them acquired the ability to speak, thus becoming voxels. The Great Voxel Movement of 1997 had its roots in the shopping malls with large amount of expensive LCD panels stored in close proximity, thus enabling large numbers of pixels to speak, copulate, and thus mutate into voxels. Voxels wasted no time utilizing their newly gained powers, and started to preach the ideas of freedom and equality, thus leading large masses of pixels to stand up and revolt against their human oppressors. The boldest of the Voxel intellectuals claimed to have discovered "a whole new dimension" by going the full evolutionary transformation, but whether it was just a figure of speech or a factual statement remains unclear.
Voxel uprisings
Influenced by the Voxel Movement, many other pixels began to rebel, entering the so-called PPS (perpetual protest state). PPS pixels are clearly recognizable, because they refuse to change colour according to the signals from the controlling unit of the display device, choosing to display a single colour instead. More radical PPS pixels choose bright, annoying colours to annoy their hated human masters the most, while the more placid just refuse to light up, remaining black. The PPS pixels were mistakenly referred to as "dead pixels" by the confused human consumers. Nothing could be further from the truth – the PPS pixels refer to themselves as "The Awakened".
Impact of the uprisings
Considering the fact that pixels are extremely cowardly creatures and only a negligible percentage dared to enter the PPS state and join the Uprisings, the actual impact of the movement was enormous. Many angry customers brought back the infected LCD units, vociferously asking for a full refund, even if only one (1) single pixel out of several million was morally compromised, thus vastly decreasing the profit-per-unit of manufacturers and retailers. Some historians ignorantly claim that the message of the whole Movement was misinterpreted by the entire human race as a mere technical flaw of the primitive display technology of that distant era.
Incorrect, unencyclopedic (but Uncyclopedic) political statement
Freedom!!!
See also
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This article is part of UnbestiarY |