Socrates
“In our days, the children loves lux. They have bad behaviours, revolt to authority, they don't respect to old people, they talk the hind legs off donkey instead of working. They aren't servant of their home anymore, they are tyrant. They don't stand up when their parents come to their room. They persecute to their teachers.”
As a famous philosopher, Socrates (pronounced So - crates) was less known for his invention of the pie. His other activities included talking to people and finding out what things were. He had washerboard abs and a decidedly grab-able ass, in fact, Socrates is Guatemalisch for "sweet cheeks". He is most famous for his philosophical quote: "and the horse you rode in on," and discovering the meaning of life, which is still used by dictionaries to this day, as well as having the first micropenis. He was the only literate person in Athens, always stating "I know I'm wise." Why people still talk about him is a mystery, since he was clearly not wise and spent his time asking stupid questions such as, "Why does the moon pale in midnight's eve?" or "Where do babies come from?" He is less well-known for being one of the first hypnotists, and often commanded normal people to completely abandon any money and self-esteem that they ever had. As self-esteem was highly prized at this time, Socrates was a very rich man. Through his hypnotism, he got laid a grand total of once. Despite his literacy, Socrates hated books and preferred to drink beer and watch tv in his underwear. As a result, what little is known about him was written by his students who idolized him, though clearly not enough to actually follow his teachings. Modern-day studies of Socrates show that he acquired his wisdom by consuming mass quantities of Purple Drank with his cockatoo, Larry.
Philosophical career[edit | edit source]
“Socrates? What a hobo!”
All of the philosophers before Socrates (called "Pre-Socratic" philosophers) spent all of their time arguing about the basic element: the stuff of which everything is made. Some said it was fire,[1] some water,[2] some air,[3] and some earth.[4] Socrates was the first to discover the truth: miniature poodles.
Socrates knew everything. He never said he was wise, for he was unfamiliar with the term. He knew everything else though.[citation needed] He even started compiling his theories on everything into a single universal theory: “The Universal Theory of Everything, or That time I ate that really spicy pepper and started tripping balls.” He spent most of his youth locked up in a dark room, contemplating the mysteries and the miseries[5] of human existence. Needless to say, his social skills left much to be desired. As he wrestled with his existential crisis, he noticed that he had a beard. Angered that he was beginning to look like his mother, he decided to "invent" God, and blame him for his beard, while also manipulating Him to control the people, who threatened to disturb the peace and heritage of Greece by their aggressive and decadent ways.
Hast thou sown the seeds of hair on my countenance,
and sprouted my beard
whilst I gazed into eternity?
Then I shalt sow thy seeds in the minds of people
and sprout the evil of religion in thy name
Taken from Socrates' Speaketh: Autobiography of a Gangsta Philosopher.
He finished writing his universal theory of everything on stone tablets and commanded his prepubescent love slaves, Plato, and Aristotle to deliver them at the post office. But on the way, Plato and Aristotle got into an argument over a hooker, and in the ensuing struggle, the stone tablets broke in half. Fearing that their master would give them a nonsexual spanking, they ran away with whatever they had. They later established their own philosophical schools with what remained of Socrates' stone tablets. Meanwhile, Socrates' God idea worked so well that he feared people might misinterpret religion, and claimed to the king that no God exists. For his hubris and blasphemy,[6] Socrates received a mild, easily treatable foot fungus.
Causes of Death[edit | edit source]
“It was a good hemlock, not a great hemlock.”
There are a number of versions as to the true causes of Socrates' death. The least disputed one claims that when Socrates was jailed by the Athenian assembly, he was only given a copy of the 'Sun' to read, and upon learning that "all politicans are the same", he decided democracy was doomed to fail and that life was no longer worth living. He is said to have committed suicide by method of drinking a cup of arsenic mixed with a leaf of deadly hemlock. Unfortunately, as a result of his hard partying fraternity days, the drink had little effect and he had to resort to the less than pleasant method of drinking a latte from the nearby University College London Student Union. Not wanting to risk enduring the horrors of surviving such a vile concoction, he decided to top it off with a Cornish Pasty from Euston Station on the other side of Euston road. Luckily he forgot to make sure the road was clear and before he could eat the pastry he was mowed down by a chariot driven by one of his acolytes who was attempting to free him.
Socrates created the Socratic Method[citation needed] of teaching in which the teacher asks the questions, not the students. Many students found this to be very annoying and boring, but Socrates found it was the most effective way to make sure he covered everything on the test, with the added bonus of helping improve students parroting skills. Socrates made the philosophy statements of "Question authority," "Question everything except authority,” and the ever popular "Don't question me, you idiots!" Many liberals in education and blogs and other places follow the Socratic method to spread liberalism. "The pie is only the sum of its parts with the exception of the crust, of course". It is even used by reporters on CNN, PBS, and other left-wing networks. In contrast to this is the O'Reilly Method developed by a right-wing teacher who became a talk show host on Fox News in which left-wingers ask him and other right-wingers questions and he breaks down into tears and tells them to STFU in an attempt to teach them a lesson.
Socrates' little-known philosophical career came to an abrupt end when he famously died. Socrates' death was a major influence on the philosophy of Friedrich Nietzsche, leading him to the insight that even Socrates could be silenced. In so dying, Socrates also founded the philosophical school of Nihilism.
To this day Socrates is remembered in a famous Greek legend preserved by certified storytellers, it is believed that when someone says that they are an expert on something or another, Socrates turns in his grave and grunts. Some ancient Greek scholars claim that the legend was misinterpreted at some point and it originally was believed that Socrates turns in his grave and farts. Recent evidence, however, suggests these are only legends, as Socrates was cremated.
Music Career[edit | edit source]
After philosophizing for a while, Socrates decided that he was tired of constantly asking questions in response to other questions. Consequently, he decided to form his own rock group, the Socratic Four, which consisted of Aristotle on the drums, Plato on bass, Euclid on lead guitar, and Socrates himself on vocals. The group actually became very successful, touring Jamaica for about 2 years, and earning an excellent status all around the Caribbean Islands. At one point, there were plans for a huge mega-concert in Venezuela to celebrate the band. However, these plans were cut short when Plato abruptly left the band, citing philosophical differences with Socrates as the major reason for the breakup.
In his early years, Socrates was a member of the seminal Straight-Edge hardcore band, Piety. He did not play any instrument, but was present at all performances to ask the attending audience to describe the nature of their edge, and if it was in fact possible for anything to be without curve. This is a little known fact about him, often overshadowed by his work in the Socratic Four, because frankly, that shit made money, and he got tired of offering ham sandwiches to starving vegans. That joke got old fast.
The Beginning
Socratic Fours basement tapes from 399BC to 1969AD were released as underground self titled album "Socratic Four" on March 21, 1996 gained popularity in the underground Death Metal scene. The album cover depicted Socrates committing suicide by hemlock a word which would become synonymous with their next commercial albums name.
Discovery
Circa 2001 Dr.Dres AFTERMATH Records picks up the Basement tapes and signs the Socratic Four as their only Metal Band on the label.
Rise to Fame
May 2, 2002 Plato joins the band as Bass and Aristotle as Drums. Socrates decides to drop out the previous bass player and drums players Euripides and Aristophanes due to philosophical reasons.
Their first commercial album Socratic Four's "HEMLOCK" (2007) was a suicide redemption album with dark gritty undertones and heavy riffs played backwards. The first single "I drank what?" went 4x Platinum in Latvia and Kazakhstan and 2x gold which meant it went Platinum once in Japan. There second single "I kissed a Spartan" went 8x Platinum in Canada and Mexico. The album released only 13 music video's all of which were the montages of the band members penis's and nostrils flaring for duration of the presented song. The album was a commercial success and to this date has went on the sell 20 million albums worldwide.
The Socratic Fours second album "The Bronze Album" (2008) was huge commercial success and eliminated the one hit wonder status that had plagued the beginning of the bands career. The albums success was in due part to the feud at the time with Aliester Crowley's "Mano Negra" band "Black Hand". Crowley's band accused Socratic Four of being a group of "Pot Bellied Faggots with no sound". The socratic four released a diss track on there album entitled "God Loves You". The confusion to the title was cleared up as the Socratic Fours front man Socrates responded "If you portray him negativley in the video he'll only like himself more. He's fucking pompous ass. So if we do the opposite and portray him as the Happiest man in the world as opposed to the wickedest we'll actually get somewhere." The feud was put to the rest at the 2008 Grammy's when the Socratic Four and Mano Negra put they're differences behind after 66 years of bickering and arguing.
April 29, 2009 the Socratic Four releases a press release stating that Plato would no longer be in the band due to "Philosophical Reasons" stemming from altercation of "Minor Differences".
May 2, 2009 Plato is found inebriated and nude in public and is arrested for indecent exposure, assault, aggravated battery and intoxication in public. He is being held in Jail on a $1,000,000 Bond.
May 2, 2009 Socrates makes a live press release stating "He is worried about Plato and asks' the public to be supportive in this time of his self destructive needs" Plato's myspace page is plagued with public outcry for the out of control bass player.
September 9, 2009 Plato leaves rehab and rejoins his former band-mates to commence recording their next studio album "From BC to AD"
Nov 4, 2009 Aftermath records lists on their upcoming "Hot for 2010" list of upcoming albums "BC to AD" formerly known as "From BC to AD" to hit store shelves in the summer of 2010 with special guest appearance by Kurt Cobain's shade which got a special leave from the river Styx.
Religion[edit | edit source]
At the time of Socrates' life, Athens had recently lost the Peloponnesian War to the Polo Ponies and their allies. The official Athenian religion (Greco-Roman Nude Wrestling) claimed that this loss was a punishment for not being sufficiently worshipful to their god Athena (Greek for "Xena").
Socrates, however, argued that Athens’ military defeat had been because the populace hadn’t been giving the nation’s flag enough respect and encouraged the commoners to “beat the commie” out of their kids.
Controversy In 380 BC, Socrates was caught attempting to solicit sexual favors from a prostitute’s horse. While being questioned by police, he claimed he was trying to invent horsefront riding.
Time Travel[edit | edit source]
At one point, during a discussion of metaphysical proofs for ethical behaviour he was picked up by some french chick, who had gone back in time in a telephone booth because "J'aime le robe". She "discovered" Socrates' real talent, competitive hotdog eating, and subsequently took him forward in time with her. The idea was to form a band with Grover Cleveland, Death, the Dalai Lama (3rd incarnation, specifically), and the younger Vanna White. The band was prophesied to change the world, but in the end they only had one double platinum album and the money just slipped away. Vanna got hooked on Cheez-Wiz, Cleveland only played on two nonconsecutive albums before being forgotten, and Death was charged with several thousand counts of manslaughter. The Dalai Lama just kind of sat there, smiling. Socrates decided to try and attempt to go back in time in a misguided attempt to relive his youth. Unfortunately his immense girth prevented the machine’s doors from closing fully and his organs were splattered all across space-time.
Trivia[edit | edit source]
Aristotle • Thomas Aquinas • Yogi Berra • Confucius • Joseph Ducreux • Ken Foree • Benjamin Franklin • Thomas Hobbes • Idiocrates • John Locke • Moronicus • Friedrich Nietzsche • Plato • Socrates • Voltaire • Oscar Wilde • Yoda
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