Synesthesia

“Water tastes grey.”

~ Oscar Wilde

Synesthesia is a neurological disorder characterized by perceptual and sensory aberrations, such as experiencing visual phenomena (e.g. colors) through auditory stimuli, smelling abstract philosophical concepts, being sexually aroused by Kate Hudson, or feeling empathy towards the poor and disadvantaged. In other words, it's a bass-ackwards fuck up of the human neurological system, but one that's mainly experienced by pathological liars, since the very notion of merged sensory reactions is absolutely ridiculous. From an objective, scientific point of view, synesthesia is, indeed, a completely made up condition. It's just another passing fad among young people that's used in order to get attention, and it will eventually fade away from popular culture like all the other pseudo-diseases before it. Such as depression and AIDS. And cancer.

Regardless, for the purpose of this article we, the academically trained doctors and first-class brain surgeons of Uncyclopedia, attempt to present you, the laymen, an accurate depiction of just how unutterably ridiculous the idea that synesthesia could ever be classified as a real condition is. Supposed "synesthetes" can't even agree on the specifics of the "condition"-- is it really that hard to come together and decide on a set colour for everything? Really, it's just complete lies, just like schizophrenia and Parkinson's disease are.

Chromesthesia

“Sometimes when I hear John Coltrane play the trumpet, I see a purple mist escape from my eyes, into the great void of existence, to meander about and swirl in beautiful, dancing motions that bring tears to my unworthy eyes. I feel great joy and sorrow at this, and it moves me like nothing else.”

~ A synesthete rambling incoherently on chromestesia

Chromesthesia is the most commonly experienced form of synesthesia, and refers to the phenomenon of seeing bright colors through auditory stimuli, while strongly insisting that they haven't even taken any acid. Scientifically speaking, it is almost epilepsy-levels of unfounded rubbish. Below are some visual examples of colors and sounds that people with synesthesia - or synesthetes, as the frauds call themselves - commonly tend to associate with things during chromesthetic episodes.

Graphemew of-color synesthesia

  This type of synesthesia is one of the two most common types of synesthesia. It occurs when you always see letters or numbers as colors. Remember, this can be different for anyone. For me, I associate the letter A with bright red. The letter Q (for me) is a rich, dark purple-magenta, while it could be yellow for another person. You can NOT train yourself to have this type of synesthesia, even though it remains consistent if you really do have it. Let's say you are reading: the color of the letters on the pages are black. In your head, you see colors, while your eyes see black. Does this make sense? If you don't understand, your brain and your eyes both see different colors. 
  Same thing for solving math problems (some people, such as me, see math symbols as colors too). Synesthetes with grapheme-color synesthesia tend to have difficulties with math, as colors may clump in their brains. 

  Some synesthetes, such as my friend, associate months with smells. I associate them with colors. Some people see months as colors AND smells, but don't actually smell anything. When they think of the months, they think of the smells.

January-light blue and soap. February-bright, vibrant pink and fruit. March-vivid green and leaves. April-purple (number 9) and chocolate. May-light green and vanilla. June-light yellow-green and lavender. July-bright strawberry red and fresh fruit. August-red/brown and burning leaves. September-red/orange (like fire) and orange juice. October-dark blue with specks of orange and choccy milk (mm delicious uwu). November-orange with a speck of orange and blue. December-dark blue, like deep water and seawater.

Orange

Some synesthetes associate the orange color to blaring fire alarms, metal concerts, and the melting of icebergs. In short, orange sounds pretty awesome.

Blue

Some synesthetes associate the blue color to sobbing, soft rock concerts, and splashes of ocean water against majestic sandstone cliffs. In short, blue sounds like they need a good beating up.

Green

Some synesthetes associate the green color to chirping birds, Greenpeace demonstrations and generally any sort of environmentalist shit. In short, green sounds like they don't know anything about the world economy.

Lexical-gustatory synesthesia

“Most people hear a loud crunch when they bite into a cracker, but not me. When I shove a Triscuit into my mouth and chew, I can hear the thousands of fibers trying to resist their inevitable death as they are pierced by my pearly whites.”

~ A synesthete, minutes before detained and moved to a mental asylum.

It is a proven fact by us, the experts in both neurological disorders and fertilizers, that synesthete experiences are utter and complete bullshit. No other form of synesthesia can better back up this claim than the so-called lexical-gustatory synesthesia, which refers to synesthetes associating different sounds to different flavors. The nerve of these people!

French Horns

Some synesthetes associate French horns to the taste of baguettes, croissants and snails. They are lazy and uninspired, and have very limited knowledge on French cuisine.

Trumpets

Some synesthetes associate trumpets to the taste of Swiss cheese, wet farts and French horns, as they don't quite understand what's the difference between the two instruments.

Weird Al Yankovic

This is Weird Al, and there's literally no reason for anyone to listen to Weird Al, let alone imagine what he would taste like.

Visual-tactile synesthesia

“I saw the latest Terminator in theaters and an overwhelming sadness rushed over me, like a river drenching me in a cool mist. I could smell the rebirth of the Earth and feel its immediate annihilation, while it was still in its infancy. Anyway, yeah, a pretty terrible sequel.”

~ Some try-hard amateur reviewer on IMDB.

Visual-tactile synesthesia is yet another wild product of synesthete imagination, born of the minds of people who've fried their brains with either copious amounts of hard drugs or ice-cold slushies. It refers to the experience of visual stimuli evoking different types of feelings in patients, which, in medicine jargon, sounds dumb as hell, but like, in latin. Below are some images used in research projects on synesthesia and the kind of nonsense that synesthetes have expressed in response.

Images of Being Hit In the Face

Synesthetes have reported feelings of physical pain upon these pictures.

Images of Dogs Mauling People

Synesthetes have reported feelings of physical pain, anxiety and, in some cases, allergic reactions upon these pictures.

Images of Sexual Assaults and Abuse

Synesthetes have reported that they if they are to be exposed to any more portrayals of physical violence they will sue the researchers on grounds of violating the Geneva Conventions.