UnNews:Canada's new phunny munny
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
10 May 2012
OTTAWA, MANITOBA – Pranksters who work for the Bank of Canada shocked and amused citizens of the northernmost North American Continent nation by infusing the green ink with which its banknotes are printed with lysergic acid dyethylmiode (LSD or, depending upon one's interpretation and chutzpah, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds), causing them to imagine seeing all manner of strange things in their currency.
The bank claims that there is method in its madness. The new bills were released, officials claim, to counter counterfeiting, extend the life of the bills, and celebrate Canada's dubious domestic achievements.
However, Canadians wondered why their dollars portrayed the World Trade Center, which is—or was—in New York City, rather than the Canadian National Vimy Memorial which commemorates the Canadian's one and only victory in World War I, the Battle of Vimy Ridge.
“That's an easy one,” Thomas Minton, a government official who requested anonymity, replied. “The buildings on the bill are the National Vimy Memorial, not the World Trade Center, and, besides, even if the buildings were the World Trade Center, rather than the National Vimy Memorial, which they are not, the newly released currency is intended to commemorate domestic successes, not military victories overseas.”
Other citizens are upset at having found pornographic images on their money. “What's with the big gob of semen?” Mattie Bunion demanded. “I don't want no man's sperm on my hard-earned cash.”
The “sperm,” Minton said, “is really a strand of DNA.” Likewise, the group of nude women about whom some citizens complain are "meant to personify truth, justice, and the American—I mean, the Canadian—way,” Milton explained.
He couldn't explain away the fig leaf's replacement of the maple leaf on the nation's flag displayed on the front of one note, however.
Reports of people seeing Pinocchio and skulls and crossbones "are effects of LSD-induced hallucinations, not printing press pranks,” Minton contended.
Nevertheless, public outrage has been sufficiently strong to move lawmakers to order a recall of the cash and to launch a full-scale investigation of the Bank of Canada. “If pranksters are involved, we'll find them,” one of the legislators vowed.
After redesigning the currency, new new bills will be released to the public. “They won't be treated with LSD,” Minton promised. “This time around, we're thinking peyote.”
It will be interesting to see what sights Canadians see when they start to handle the Bank of Canada's next cash crop.
