Talk:Sayf ol-Dowleh/GA2

GA Review

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: Amitchell125 (talk · contribs) 07:47, 7 June 2022 (UTC)

Happy to review the article.

Review

Lead section / infobox

• Unlink Iranian (the modern state of Iran is not relevant here); famine and poetry (common terms).
  • Done.
• contributed significantly – significantly is not needed.
  • Done.
• He only married once – why only (lots of people marry once)?

Perhaps, amend to 'Unusually for for the period, he only married once..' to help some readers understand this point. Amitchell125 (talk) 07:37, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

Done. Amir Ghandi (talk) 07:48, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

• • In the Qajar era it was common for royalty to at least have four wives. It's pretty peculiar for Sayf ol-Dowleh to only marry once.
• In the caption, oil on canvas is unnecessary.
  • Deleted it.

1 Early life

• Link Fath-Ali Shah; Isfahan.
  • Done.
• a royal tour of Isfahan – did he tour the city?
  • More like a state visit, different names, same thing.
• Amend a certain amount of tax to ‘that tax’
  • Done.

2.1 Administration and contributions

• Link wet nurse (note correct spelling).
  • Done.
• I would amend the caption from Serpouchideh Palace by Eugène Flandin, 1840 to something like ‘An illustration of a room in the Serpouchideh Palace by Eugène Flandin (1840)’.
  • Done.
• to Char Bagh Palace - ‘to the Char Bagh Palace’?
  • Done.
• was married to Bahar Khanum – ‘married Bahar Khanum’? (i.e. was it arranged, as you imply?)
  • Done. Regarding the arrange, yes, we could say it was a marriage of state.

2.2 Shafti's call for Jihad

• Unlink Christians (common term).
  • Done.
• Add a comma after In the same year.
  • Done.
• powerful princes like - ‘powerful princes such as’ sounds better imo.
  • Done.
• I’m not clear what the sentence starting Shafti on the other hand means.
  • Replaced it with 'in counteract'.
• I would improve the prose of Shafti himself resided in Bidabad claiming himself by amending it to ‘Shafti resided in Bidabad, claiming himself’.
  • Done.
• Sayf ol-Dowleh divided his troops into two, one group under the command of David Saginian which focused on Chamelani and Blandeh and another under his own command to overcome Shafti's forces in Bidabad and to arrest him. This could be improved by amending to to something like 'Sayf ol-Dowleh divided his troops into two groups. One group, under the command of David Saginian, focused on attacking Chamelani and Blandeh – the other, under his own command, sought to overcome Shafti's forces in Bidabad and to arrest him.'
  • Done.
• Amend entered Isfahan and occupied the city until a month later when Manouchehr Khan Gorji to ‘entered Isfahan and occupied the city. A month later Manouchehr Khan Gorji’.
  • Done.

2.3 Removal from Isfahan government

• soon after the rebellion in Isfahan also subsided – ‘suppressed the rebellion’.
  • Done.
• Sayf ol-Dowleh could not act as Mohammad Shah marched to Isfahan needs to be amended to improve the English.
  • Done. Thoughts?

Looks sorted. AM

• Ditto became the grand vizier of the Shah. Aqasi, for unknown reasons, distrusted Sayf ol-Dowleh.
  • Done.

3.1 From Baghdad to Kairouan

• Link travelogue (Travel literature).
  • Done.
• Remove in time to make the text more concise.
  • Done.
• in the manufacture of cannon – ‘for manufacturing cannons’
  • Done.
• Comma after most renowned work.
  • Done.

3.2 Custodian of Astan Quds Razavi

• Link aqueducts.
  • Done.
• Commas after and Qazvin; 5 March 1872.
  • Done.
• his title of Sayf ol-Dowleh replaced by that – word missing?
  • Rephrased.
• developing housekeeping – this needs some sort of an explanation.
  • Replaced by 'increasing the staff'.
• time – ‘period’.
  • Done.

3.3 Death

• title deed – ‘title deeds’?
  • Done.
• Comma after died in 1899.
  • Done.
• decided to build – ‘built’.
  • Done.
• the tourist attractions of the city even today – ‘the city’s modern tourist attractions’.
  • Done.

4 Literary Work

• Delete this section, which merely repeats information from elsewhere in the article.
  • Done.

5 Notes

• The note should be a complete sentence.
  • Done.

6 References

• small b in bibliography.
  • Done.
• Words should not be written in capitals, as in "ḤOSAYN- ʿALĪ MĪRZĀ FARMĀNFARMĀ" – even if the sources are written that way.
  • Done.

On hold

I'm putting the article on hold for a week until 17 June to allow time for the issues raised to be addressed. Regards, Amitchell125 (talk) 16:11, 9 June 2022 (UTC)

@Amitchell125:, Thank you for the review, I have addressed all your points. Any thoughts? Amir Ghandi (talk) 17:40, 9 June 2022 (UTC)

Great work! I'll spend a little time double-checking check the prose and copy-edit if I spot anything else, if you don't mind. Please revert anything if I make any errors. Amitchell125 (talk) 07:42, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

Passing

Passing now, nice job. Amitchell125 (talk) 09:33, 10 June 2022 (UTC)