Source:Ask Vector Prime/Sideways
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This is a copy of the Ask Vector Prime "Ask Sideways" page at the latest update. The original Q&A and AllSpark Almanac series answers can be found at our archives here. The Ask Vector Prime Facebook page archive exists Ask Vector Prime here. All spelling, grammatical, and formatting errors are left as is.
June 2015
June 27, 2015
Hehehehe... Sideways here. I've been biding my time, waiting for the perfect moment to strike, and with all the confusion from the Cymond Cluster, I sensed my opportunity and took it! It's only a matter of time before that antiquated fool gives up the Cyber Key I require. In the meantime, let's see what he's got on his computer system.
Hmmm... this could be fun. Get ready for... ASK SIDEWAYS!!!
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Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
This is possibly the most important question you could answer! Who shot Kennedy?
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A: Dear Foolish Fleshling,
I did!
So, Multiverse, Sideways is all up in V.P.'s grill, taking over from the geezer while he is, shall we say, indisposed. While I plan to trudge through Mr. High-and-Mighty's feed, I'd much rather get my own questions. So, ask me your questions, and I'll tell you no lies.... pfffff, hahahah, who am I kidding, I lie like a girder! But ask anyway.
Unlike the Antikythera I'm currently t̶o̶u̶r̶t̶u̶r̶i̶n̶g̶ spending some quality time with, I'm going to try to answer questions based on interest. I still can't figure out how the old boy had his queue set up and I sure as Unicron's right ankle ain't gonna try to duplicate that system. Vote up the questions you're interested with the like button and I'll be more apt to answer them first.
HEHEHEHEHEHE! Give me your worst, human germs!
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
Are there any more movie robots in the Transformers Multiverse like Johnny 5?
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A: Dear Irrelevant Earthling,
Perhaps there are. Perhaps I'll recruit them into an army to do the bidding of Unicron, granting them sparks with Angolmois Energy so they can become minions of Planet X!
First question for me (and not the Vizier of Vacuum Tubes).
Q: Dear Sideways,
Did you ever actually visit Shanghai?
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A:Dear Sputum Spewer,
Yup, and happy to get there. In fact, I was besides myself.
- Q: Lengthwise?
- Ask Sideways Watch your tone, human. I've got half a mind to destroy your whole planet already.
Q: Sideways,
What connection do you have to other versions of you in the Multiverse? Do you all work together, or do you have to recruit different Sidewayses to the cause of Unicron?
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A: Dear Rancid Rubbish,
What, those other losers? I can't stand 'em! If I ever find myself in a universe with a Sideways already in it, first thing I do is cut off his head so I can absorb his power! THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE! HAHAHAHAHA!
(Oh, Spark, I love that stupid movie.)
June 28, 2015
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
Is there a Transformer that turns into a Dodo bird?
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A: Dear Inevitable Victim,
All Transformers will go the way of the Dodo bird when Unicron's machinations reach their Omega state!
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
Is Aurex Cluster's Nemesis Prime and the being known as Grand Scourge (of Aurex 704.19 Beta) one and the same?
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A: Dear Obtuse Organsack,
Sure, why not?
Q: Dear Sideways,
So since you're the most qualified to answer, what's the difference between Angolmois and Dark Energon anyway?
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A: Dear Pug-Ugly Pustule,
I'm reminded of a Terran song, which I'm about to mangle.
Ahem.
♩ You say Tornado, I say Tor-nah-do ♫
♪ You say Volcano, I say Vol-cah-no ♬
♫ Tornado, Tor-nah-do ♩
♬ Volcano, Vol-cah-no ♪
♪ Let's murder lots of folks! ♫
And that's why I was first chair on the holophoner, ladies and germs! (Well, that, and when I was second chair the first chair conveniently slipped and fell into a wormhole to a hell dimension.)
Anyway, I hope that answers your question. Pffffff, nah, I'm just flooding your engine, I don't give two shanix if that answers your question.
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
What's Earth's connection to Cybertron in Primax 302.06 Gamma?
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A: Dear Worthless Worm,
Fodder for Decepticon conquest!
Q: Dear Sideways,
Do you know what connection Tarantulas and the Tripredacus Council have with Unicron or at least how they're not descended from Autobots/Decepticons?
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A: Dear Flatulant Flagellum,
Yup!
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
What happen to Galvatron and Zarak after Cybertron was restored in Primax 984.17 Alpha
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A: Dear Insignificant Insect,
I did!
Q: Sideways, you despicable, universe-hopping backstabber, how did you meet Mirror and its component Mini-Cons, Rook and Crosswise?
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A: Dear Brainless Bacterium,
Tinder.
PS: I like your style. PMing you my private trans-dimensional subspace frequency. Don't be shy now, I've been looking for someone to "binary-bond" with, if you catch my drift!
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
Have you ever worked together with the Autobots of Cloud World?
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A: Dear Absurd Ant,
The Autobots of Cloud World will bend to the will of Unicron, and I shall be there to make it happen.
June 29, 2015
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
Is the Thunder Arrow pilot really Skystalker?
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A: Dear Silly Simian,
Unicron's Beard, Skystalker and I used to have a grand old time. He'd fly the Thunder Arrow so far up the Hyperion's Afterburner we'd know who Optimus Prime was Powerlinxing with! That 'Con was one heck of a pilot. Too bad I had to put him down hard. On the plus side, I wound up with an interstellar shuttle, only slightly used, that I was able to pawn off to a Malgus Cluster Swindle for some sweet O-Parts.
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
Is there a Transformer that transforms into an Ick-Yak?
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A: Dear Boring Bonobo,
Sure, why not?
Q: Dear Sideways,
So you're Tarantulas, right?
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A: Dear Repetitive Rectum,
Seriously, what is wrong with your species? For the Spark of me, I don't know how these idiot rumors get started.
Q: Dear Overlord Sideways,
If you had a beast mode what would it be?
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A: Dear Flagrant Flatterer,
I dunno, never gave it much thought. Maybe, hmmm, giant Transmetal purple tarantula?
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
How come Dinobot of Primax 496.22 Alpha doesn't have feathers?
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A: Dear Meaningless Meatbag,
A traitor like Dinobot, who gets cloned almost as often as I do, who holds the power to change the future in his hands and shatters it, and you're asking about his feathers? It's a wonder your species has lasted as long as it has.
- Q: How often DO you get cloned?
- Ask Sideways You ever been to a Tyran universe, Greasestain? Every time The Fallen polishes his pistons reality splits. Why do you think so many different interpretations of the same damn events migrate to your reality?
Q: Dear Sideways,
How do you travel between universes, anyway?
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A: Dear Calamitous Canker-sore,
With style!
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
Why were you unfamiliar with the Autobot and Decepticon war when you first arrived in Aurex 802.23 Alpha
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A: Dear Perceptive Person,
Oh, you noticed that, did you? Here we have Vector Prime, claiming to be an authority on virtually every aspect of reality, and yet he was unaware of developments as "recent" as a couple of million years ago. The truth is the old codger has gone senile, with memory crystals as cracked as Shockwave's processor after Death's Head got through with it. Nine billion years old my afterburner.
Q: Dear Sideways,
YOU'RE Sideways, HE'S Sideways, HE'S Sideways, I'M Sideways! Are there any other Sidewayses I should know about?
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A: Dear Facetious Fungus,
Your mom.
Q: Hey V̶P̶ Sideways,
What's at the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?
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A: Dear Future Foder,
I am!
June 30, 2015
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
Is Universe Longhorn actually Ramulus in a new body?
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A: Dear Walking Wuss,
Sure, why not?
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
Why is there a Dug Base in Malgus 1207.26 Alpha?
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A: Dear Sloppy Sycophant,
You're right, that seems like an oversight. Hows about the next time I'm in the neighborhood I slip in and make me some Dug Base shish kebab
Q: Dear Sideways,
We know about the heroic Unit E but have human villains from across multiple universes (folks like Circuit Breaker, Dr Archeville, Hydra, and Power Princess) ever teamed up against the Autobots? If so what did they call themselves?
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A: Dear Purveyor of Passé,
Oh, Lawdey Lawdye, HUMAN villains teaming up? Whatever will anyone do in the face of such a fearsome group? I'm quaking in my bootstruts!
Anyway, sure, all those humans teamed up. They called themselves, uh, Terror Attack Instigation Laser People Iconoclastic Power Explosion.
Hehehehehe. T.A.I.L.P.I.P.E. Hehehehehe.
John Teets to Ask Vector Prime
Dear Sideways,
I would just like to say that you're one of my favorite transformers of all time.
- Ask Sideways Thanks, meatbag! I'd just like to say that I'm one of my favorite Transformers of all time too!
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
Who is the female ladybug Insecticon?
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A: Dear Pestering Pestilence,
Your mom!
Q: Dear Sideways,
When Unicron had those Four Horsemen, it was a mistake that Rhinox wasn't labeled as Death, right? RIGHT??? I mean, it's a widely known fact that Rhinox is Death. Please clear up this misunderstanding.
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A: Dear Smutpeddling Stereotype,
Only when he eats too many beans! Then, hoo boy! Death is too kind a word for him. HIYO!
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
Do the Micronauts and Rom the Spaceknight exist in Primax 984.0 Gamma?
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A: Dear Uninspiring Unit,
They used to... until *I* got my servos on 'em! Hahahaha!
Q: Dear Sideways,
You ever encountered a Decepticon Mercenary from the Aurex Cluster called Rapid Run? I think he's biting your style.
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A: Dear Miniscule Measle,
Met him, killed him, got the tee-shirt.
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
What _really_ killed the dinosaurs?
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A: Dear Pathetic Paramecium,
I did!
July 2015
July 1, 2015
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
Do you know Ursa Magnus?
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A: Dear Brainless Bacteria,
Know him? I off-lined him!
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
Why doesn't my mom love me anymore?
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A: Dear Ugly & Unloved,
...no, sorry, I can't. This is just too easy.
Q: Dear Sideways,
What do you know about the origin of the Dark Spark?
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A: Dear Noxious Nincompoop,
I forget to shut off the Nega-Core I was guarding ONE TIME and I've still not heard the end of it! Sheesh!
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
I know Megatrons aren't allowed in Axiom Nexus, but what about Galvatrons? For that matter, are there any other individuals the TransTech don't welcome instances of, such as perhaps Tarantulases or Sidewayses?
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A: Dear Moronic Meatsack,
Those stodgy fools at Axiom Nexus Intake wouldn't know a Tarantulas if he bit them in their skidplate and hung them upside down to drip out in their own customs facility! If they ain't named "Prime" or "whatever-atron" they let pretty much whomever traipse around. How do you think *I* got in?
Q: Dear Sideways,
Which universe did you come from originally?
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A: Dear Noisy Narcissist,
What, you can't tell from my accent?
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
Is the being that calls himself "Hunter Nemesis Prime" from a negative polarity universe?
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A: Dear Obtuse Oilstain,
Sure, why not?
Q: Dear Overlord Sideways,
Have you been to the Gargent Cluster and if so what were you called there?
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A: Dear Obsequious Omelet-head,
Didja hear about how that whole universe is shaking itself to pieces, disintegrating from the inside-out? Didja ever stop to wonder why? Yup, you guessed it, li'l ol' Sideways! Popped in, messed around with Gobotron's Omega Locks, tuned into one of the Primax 984.0 Gamma splinters frequency, popped out before anyone there was any the wiser. Why? Because GoBots can lick my leaking valve.
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
Who shot down the ship of the humans in Xobitor?
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A: Dear Half-witted Human,
I did!
July 2, 2015
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
Who is a member of S.T.A.R.S.?
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A: Dear Deficient Dolt,
S.T.A.R.S.? That half-baked Autobot propaganda recruiting network thingie? Is that still around? I should gather up Ransack and Crumplezone and go play Bowling for S.T.A.R.S. on whatever mudball backwater reality you're writing from.
Q: Dear Sideways,
Have you ever had a Conjunx Endura, or practiced any form of elective kinship? We know you were close to the Soundwave of your home dimension, but how close?
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A: Dear Sewage-Smelling Simpleton,
"Elective kinship?" I'm more of an "elective surgery" kinda 'bot. Once I replaced Wing Saber's motherboard with used pinball-machine parts! Every time I'd smack him around, he'd light up and bells would ring. That was sweet.
Q: Yo Sideways, whatever happened to you and Soundwave after you two got caught in that fight between Galvatron and Starscream?
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A: Yo! Those two heavies smacked each other around so hard we got blasted all the way to J'nwan! That blew tires, let me tell you.
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
What happen to all the facsimile constructs of Primax 1005.19 Gamma?
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A: Dear Valueless Virus,
I did!
Q: Dear Sideways,
Have you ever worked alongside Megatronus AKA the Fallen?
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A: Dear Marshmellow Mind,
I dunno about "worked alongside" but I once busted into his hidy-hole in the Realm of the Primes and messed up his crib pretty good. It musta taken him a couple 'a hundred years to clean all of the cosmic rust that used to be his collection of antique melee weapons outta his pad. He had some nice stuff; Femaxian Mace, the White Beamer, Royal Spear of Planet Hive, Golden Staff of Imperius Drax, Lobotomaxx's dagger Severspine. Had being the operative word.
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
Have you ever met the Decepticon Powermaster named Clio?
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A: Dear Wacky Waste,
Oh, I've "met" her a couple of times, if you catch my drift. Then I let Patra drive me around the block. Vroooooom!!!
Q: Dear Sideways,
Have you ever traveled to the Uniend cluster? Or does another Sideways take care of all that?
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A: Dear Terrible Trilobite,
Been there? Of COURSE I've been there. Why, before I got there, it was all one single solitary universe. Now it's splintered all over the place!
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
Have you ever personally encountered any Wreckers?
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A: Dear Nettling Gnat,
Oh, I "encountered" the hell outta them. I got me a whole trophy wall made up of Wrecker cranial units; got me a Wide Scope, a Leadfoot, a Seaspray, a Rotorstorm, a Spittor, a Drop Zone, a Springer, a Hyperion, and, of course, the pride and joy of my collection, an Impactor. Of course, that head was a little worse-for-wear. Sometimes I like to stick my servo in and make his jaw flap around, making little Wrecker speeches to the other little Wrecker heads. Good times!
July 3, 2015
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
Is there a Starscream in the 2001 Transformers: Robots in Disguise universe?
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A: Dear Sorrowful Slug,
Sure, why not?
Q: Dear Sideways,
Does Lori's mom have a name? Are you Lori's mom?
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A: Dear Line-crossing Lynch-mob Leader,
Hey! Bro! Let's just leave Gloria out of this, ok? Inappropriate.
- Q: Touched a nerve, eh?
- Ask Sideways No, it's just, Mrs. Jiménez is a lovely lady, wouldn't swat a nano-gnat, so I think we should all let her be. Uncool, dude, uncool.
Q: What did you do to Vector Prime, you lapdog of Unicron!
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A: HAHAHAHAHAHA! Nothing very pleasant, that's for certain! Let's just say we're having fun with a soldering iron and what apparently passed for circuitry back when he was forged.
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
Who was the Skateboarder Pretender from the Pretenders commercials?
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A: Dear Boorish Beetle,
Me! (And, boy, the things I did to that "video gamer." Hehehehehe.)
Q: Dear Sideways,
In Armada, you said you are an avatar of Unicron. Micron Legend says your one of Unicron's cells. It was later revealed that your from Planet X that swore loyalty to Unicron. I'm confuse on your origin. Is the Micron Legend version from a different universe or something?
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A: Dear Cretinous Cantaloupe,
Oh, I confuse you, do I? Shocking, because normally I'm SOOOOO straight-forward. Lemmie break this down for you real simple. Everything you think you know about me was a lie told by me to confuse someone, or conjecture from someone who'd be in no position to know. So yeah, maybe I'm a fragment of Unicron, because maybe Planet X used to BE Unicron. And maybe I'm his avatar made manifest and untethered once he collapsed into a giant singularity. And maybe I'm from the Cybertronian Empire. And maybe I'm just an ordinary Autobot who went crazy from Powerlinxing to the wrong Mini-Cons. Maybe I'm all of those things, or none.
And you know what the best part is? You'll. Never. Know.
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
What would happen if someone wielded Prima's Star Saber and used it to slash a Tyran or Malgus AllSpark?
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A: Dear Intriguing Instigator,
Oh, that sounds like fun. After I finish decompiling Vector Prime's code base and I know all of his secrets, let's take a little field trip together and then we'll find out. I'm betting we can make a universe or two go BOOM!
Q: Dear Doubleface,
Have Transformers, Primus Aligned or otherwise, ever come in contact with Kitsune?
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A: Dear Fox Freak,
Sure, why not?
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
Have you battled Discord?
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A: Dear Vapid Varmint,
If by "battled" you mean "drank under the table at Maccadams'" then yes, I've battled him.
July 4, 2015
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
What is the name of the Primax Autobot referred to as 'Big Red?' Is that his name, and can you tell us anything else about him?
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A: Dear Gibbering Gibbon,
Why in the name of Unicron's left muffler would you want to know about that clutch-muncher? Wouldn't you rather hear about the savagery of Gladiaron, the dark reign of The Triumvirate, the world-obliterating rampage of Megazarak? No, you want to know about the exploits of some bot so forgettable his stupid name hasn't even reached your backwater cluster. Spark, your species is sad.
Q: Dear Sideways,
Human understanding of the development of the multiverse tends to be through the lens of "to sell toys". Are you familiar with the concept?
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A: Dear Childish Charlatan,
...
Truly, I'm speechless. Your species characterizes the infinite wonders of the churning, whorling, chaotic cosmos through the lens of... merchandising?
I can see why Swindle loves you idiots.
- Q: Whorling? Sideways needs a spell check. ;)
- Ask Sideways whorl
- (h)wôrl/
- verb
- gerund or present participle: whorling
- spiral or move in a twisted and convoluted fashion.
- "the dances are kinetic kaleidoscopes where steps whorl into wildness"
- BOOM! IN YOUR FACE, DIPSTICK!!!
Q: Dear Tarantulas, er, Sideways, what's the upside of service to Unicron, anyhow? By aiding in the destruction of the multiverse, aren't you hastening your own demise?
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A: Dear Asinine Apostate,
Oh, Spark, I never thought of that. Allow me to rededicate myself to the forces of good and light and kittens and warm-fuzzies. Service to Unicron is its own reward. You ever come face-to-face with a genuine deity? I wager you ever met The Prince of Nothingness and for some inconceivable reason he found you useful, you'd be swearing allegiance to him too.
As for hastening my own demise, my species is long lived, but not THAT long! The complete destruction of the multiverse will take billions of years. That's billions, with a b. I'll be luck if if Iive to 20 million!
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
How many siblings does Blaster have? I've heard of Toaster, Karmen and Bluster; does he have any others?
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A: Dear Tedious Taskmaster,
Not anymore! Not since ol' uncle Sideways payed a visit to casa del Blaster!
Q: Dear Vector Prime,
How much money is the Quadwal version of your Armada form worth when it's MOSC?
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A: Dear Capitalist Crony,
I dunno, let's check Amazon.com... WHAT THE SPARK? FORTY BUCKS? UNICRON'S FOUL AIRFILTERS, THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT!!!
Ahem. As soon as I'm done with my little, hahaha, archeological dig, I think Jeff Bezos is gonna get acquainted with the business end of my trusty endoscopic claw.
- Q: I found that at a flea market. I've worshipped it since that day, hoping my savior, Sideways, would come and visit. Sideways is hatred. Sideways is death.
- Ask Sideways I like your style, Gentile. Tell you what, I'll kill you last.
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
I notice that Grimlock of Uniend's Robots in Disguise has a drastically different personality than his previous depictions in Fall of Cybertron and Rage of the Dinobots. What happened to his mind?
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A: Dear Wacky Wastoid,
I did!
Q: Dear Sideways,
Was Unicron the reason why the spirits of many slain Decepticon warriors fused together into the entity known as Violen Jiger?
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A: Dear Tongue-tied Tapeworm,
Nah, they heard your mom was on Planet X, rotating tires for a nickel.
Q: Dear Sideways,
So on a scale of 1 to 10 how much did it hurt getting split in half in Shanghai?
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A: Dear Insensitive Iguana,
On a scale of 1 to 10? It was probably about a three times ten to the eighth! But fortunately I only lost my left side. Nothing all that critical in that half, so after the bisection I was all right.
July 5, 2015
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
What is the true identity of the entity known as the God of the Maximals?
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A: Dear Ghastly Gnat,
Sideways!
Q: Sideways, you backstabbing razor snake. Why was Axer chasing after your aft all the way from Primax to Viron anyways?
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A: Woah, you ingest complicated organic molecules for sustenance with that mouth, sister? Actually, you kinda remind me of the dame in question. She could melt tetrinite with her extremely foul vocal processor. Lucky me, right?
Anyway, him chasing me isn't how I remember it... ok, fine, it's exactly how I remember it. Anyway, his sister and I were something of an item and I miiiiiiight have accidentally made an inappropriate remark about her in his presence. Maybe. I mean, how was I supposed to know he was such a prude? He was always scrapping about something or other. Why, one time, he was going off about the time he and this Terradore were <AXIOM NEXUS AUTO-CENSORS ENGAGED> right in front of Imperious Drax.
Hehehehehe. Good times!
Q: Dear Sideways,
What do you think of the new season of Galactic Guardians?
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A: Dear Vapid Viewer,
Hey, I'm still a season behind, so NO SPOILERS or I will rip out your intestines and use them to make a seat cozy. Stupid Netflix doesn't give Axiom Nexus the current season. I will say that season six was a BIG step up from S5. I'm glad they finally killed off Cassidy's boyfriend. It was clear that he wasn't right for her. I mean, ok, when he was first introduced in early S4 I was a little intrigued as to what his deal was, but once the megasyrum got purged from his bloodstream in S04E19 it's like what's the point of him?
I still think S3 was the best one they did. Unicron's dangling solenoids, I loved the big bad that year. So Sparking creepy, they way he'd roll around in that wheelchair. Plus Gyosie is sexy as frag. (Loved her cameo in S05E14, best part of the whole season. Can't believe they got her back after she starred in that movie.)
It took me a while to warm up to the reboot, I'll confess. The original was campy, sure, but it had real heart. But the new one just seems more, I dunno, socially relevant? And the dude they got to play the new Brodick MacAllister is just spot-on perfect. Much better than Jake Colton ever was at the role. And I did get kind of a stupid thrill out of seeing Bud had directed a couple of episodes of S2. I was all, "hey, I used to try to kill that guy! Awesome!"
- Q: I know, right? Some people said the latter half of season five was just a bunch of talking heads, but you can't beat well-researched political discourse. Shame it ended up in Darreth going to prison, but really, how else could Scarlet have been non-awkwardly reintroduced to the plot? They needed something to bond over to get over... well... that ridiculously hammy guest episode we shall not speak of.
- Ask Sideways Eh, the politics of S5 didn't bother me at first, but after like 4 episodes of will-they-or-won't-they I was all "just invade the freaking country!" I mean, those WMDs weren't going to disarm themselves.
- I still think we'll get a S7 subplot set in Alkatron to see how Mr. D gets on in prison. Maybe a prison break? And then, how will the Vice President react? That weasel has to get what's coming to him eventually, right?
- Oh, and Scarlet is such a non-entity as to be laughable. LEARN TO ACT! I honestly don't know what the producers see in the character. No matter how many codes from the center of the Earth she decrypts I still don't care about her stupid offspring she gave up for adoption.
- Q: I think you took the wrong thing away from that subplot, man. Wasn't the point of it that they were shifting away from fossil fuels, and that you shouldn't trust a book by its cover? They didn't do too good a job at communicating that because the network executives thought it was too critical of the current political climate, but the writer interviews on the DVD box set made it clear that the existance of the nukes was misinformation spread by the French. Er, sorry, Franzozia. (God, their slightly mangled country names are SO obviously transparent.)
- I'll keep mum about season 7, since you said you haven't seen what's been released yet. I will say this, though- the plot is jam packed enough that if your hunch turns out accurate it will be at the expense of a LOT of stuff. They really should have split this primary plotline up into two seperate seasons so we could have had a bit more of a breather, because there is DEFINITELY a natural breaking point in there.
- I- I- how DARE YOU! Scarlet is my favourite, and I won't let some pan-dimensional jerkwad make fun of her. Just because she's no good in a firefight doesn't mean she's not the best member of the team. Look at how she keeps the team from killing each other, even while focused on her complicated computer stuff (which is still kind of Hollywood hacking, but at least the writers know enough to avoid making her just mash on the keyboard to fix things.) She is a tougher cookie than you, Mr I Get Buried Under Piles Of Bricks With My Leg Sticking Out Like A Nerd.
- Ask Sideways Oh, I got what they were going for, I just found it interminably dull. Get to the explosions already! Moral conundrums just ain't my bag. (Btw, no idea that those countries weren't real. So there's really no such place as Israeorg, U.S.T.R, Ventrical City, or West Konkora? Disappointed!)
- Agreed about Network Execs. Want me to go to Hollywood and reenact the infamous S02E07 slaughter at the oil derrick? (That was fragging BRILLIANT television right there.)
- I... oh, it's like that, is it, missy? We disagree and all of the sudden it's name calling? REAL mature. What are you, like, 8,000? For the record, Ava Jo Stratford couldn't act her way out of a rusty engine block, and is probably only on the show because she's topping off Rollie Friendly's transmission fluid.
- Q: I think that there's room for both, and that half of the season swung a bit too far in the wrong direction, but it is what it is. Not every little thing can go your way sometimes.
- Er... everyone makes mistakes. I mean, they sound reasonable enough names, right? Not many human TV shows are that alien friendly. Maybe you should watch some documentaries some time.
- Honestly, I don't have as much of an appetite for murder as you, but if you wanna do it I don't think anyone in the fanbase is gonna stop you. I'm pretty sure it's their fault Hannah and Scarlet couldn't hook up, anyways (the subtext was obvious...) and it really split the online community when she was written out of the show.
- If I'm not mistaken, I believe you insulted her first- and that hits so close to home that you may as well have insulted me. Emotional investment in a character leads to cashed pain checks whenever someone starts slinging the dirt on her. Surely you've got a character you feel the same way about? Is it *really* a coincidence Gyosie started riding a purple and yellow motorbike when they brought her back full time for season 6, hmnnnnnnn?
- Ask Sideways Documentaries are for maintenance-bots and Cold Cast losers.
- As for your insinuations about a what Gyosie was riding... well, hey, as far as I know it wasn't me, though, you know, time travel and all. Who knows? Maybe I should go swing back and become a prop for a little bit. Plus it'll make the Cloud World losers dump their kernels for me to mess with causality like that. Win-win!
- I could do with them going back to the smaller format. Yes, S1 started a little slow, but then they had to (re)establish the universe. Overall I thought the 13 episode structure made for tighter storytelling. 22 hours of TV is a lot to fill, and you wind up with space-wasters like S05E15 or, Spark help us, the dumb-aft clips episode they did in S2. I guess they blew all their budget on S02E12-S02E13. Though I guess It was pretty cool to see Roman Centurions marching through the streets of New Angeles. (Please tell me New Angeles is a real place. I want to go take my picture with the Statue of Justice some day. Preferably BEFORE I blow it up.)
- Q: Sorry, buddy, you've been duped! There's a couple similar places, but- uh- if it's all the same to you I'd rather you not reduce 'em to rubble. Might make for some interesting news stories (and mess with the wiki editors), but there's the whole "humans are super fragile" thing...
- Ask Sideways Eh... ok. Because you asked nicely, and, you know, because New Angeles doesn't exist, no ka-boom.
- Q: NEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRDS that show is for BABIES
- Ask Sideways Who you calling a nerd, protein-for-processors? I will get all up in your dimension and wreck up the place. Who'll be the baby then?
- Q: Oh oh OH NO you DID NOT oh you just TRY It I will have like FIVE GUYS here waiting for you i watch Supernatural I know how to kill a guy and make sure nobody finds the body. JET FUEL CAN'T MELT STEEL BEAMS, SIDEWAYS.
- Ask Sideways Jet fuel can't melt my body either, Spare Tire! You get your five guys, and I'll denature all of the organic molecules in their bodies until they're nothing but free-floating hydrogen and carbon and oxygen! And Supernatural is about as entertaining as watching a slow-leaking tire!
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
Is there at least one negative polairty universe in the Aurex Cluster?
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A: Dear Moronic Microorganism,
Sure, why not?
Q: "Dear" Sideways,
Have you ever visited Wine Country? There's a movie all about it with your name as the title.
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A: "Dear" Gargling Gasbag,
I've seen that movie. It can honk my loud, sloppy horn. And yes, have you seen the questions I get? Whine Country is where I seem to be living.
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
Why, oh, why did Scrounge had to die?
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A: Dear Boring Basketcase,
Well, the answer to that is...
...wait for it...
ME!!!
Q: Dear Sideways,
When you and Cybertron Soundwave go to a club, do you take it in turns to be each other's wingman?
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A: Dear Snide Suckup,
Ah, clever. Because we're both jets, right?
I prefer actual clubbing. You know, with a club. The crunch of a mechanoid's skull-casing collapsing under the weight of my instrument is a lot more fun that dancing.
- Q: Do you have *any* active persuits that aren't senseless violence, senseful violence, planning the previous two on this list, or watching television? (I mean, your taste in television is great, but you might need to get out a little more for something that isn't inflicting pain upon the innocents.)"""
- Ask Sideways Don't forget quality time with the fembots. And, if I'm feeling kinky, the fem-organics. Also, occasionally, fem-rocks. Hey, what can I say, Sideways likes the ladies!
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
Where do Samus Aran and ♥♪!?, also known as Geno, hail from?
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A: Dear Aimless Ant,
♥♪!?? Are you scrapping kidding me? What the Spark kind of name is ♥♪!??
July 6, 2015
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
Do you have a favorite Hot Rod/Rodimus?
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A: Dear Yellow-bellied Yeast,
I've always been more of a Hot Shot kinda 'bot. I've had lots of fun torturing Hot Shot... much like I'm doing to Vector Prime right now. Hahahaha!
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
Does your brother Onyx Prime have any relationship with the Maximal Onyx Primal?
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A: Dear Dimwitted Dunce,
Onyx Prime, my brother? Hahahaha! He's more of an uncle to me.
Now, what was that question again? Oh, right Onyx Primal and Onyx Prime. Let's go with... they're the same guy. Or, no, hang on, better, Prime is the distant ancestor of Primal. Wait, just remembering that Soundwave said Primal was some sorta clone. Or, hey, no, scratch all that piston thrusting, let's say that Primal is the bot who degreases Prime's engine valves. Yeah, that's nice and humiliating.
Q: Dear Sideways,
How was the Knights of Unicron gig last Saturday?
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A: Dear Parasitic Particle,
I heard your mom went backstage and gave each member of the band an oil change. Even the drummer. The drummer, man, the drummer!
(BTW, love the band. Thunder Touch is the all-time best song ever to blow up a Decepticon spacebridge to.)
- Q: You'll be at your best at the end of the track/Put to the test and there's no turning back / YOU'VE - GOT - THUNDER TOUCH!! YEAHHHH!
- Ask Sideways Hey, you do that well. Wanna swing by my pad sometime? We can give your vocal processor a REAL workout!
- Q: Want me to pick up some Kreemzeek on the way?
- Ask Sideways And some Mood Whiplash, if you would.
- Q: Does Soundwave still take Nightmare Fuel or is h out doing his own thing?
- Ask Sideways He's been into micro-brew Engex these days. Should I loop him in?
- Q: Yeah, he'd kill at the high notes on The Autotrooper
- Ask Sideways We hurtle chassis that lay on the ground
- And as the Quintesson fires another round
- It pulls the trigger and I feel the blast
- I tumble into sonic canyon so VAAAAAAAST
- .
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
What happened to Primax 797.18 Epsilon Airazor?
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A: Dear Ruinous Rascal,
I did!
- Q: Oh dear. What happened?
- Ask Sideways Hehehehehe. Well, due to losing a bet with that scrap-scrubbing spawn-of-a-Junkion Gutcruncher, I found myself trapped in the distant past of Earth. Lousy place, maybe you've heard of it. Anyway, it seemed that there was a whole Ark full of Transformers for me to go scavenge, only there was some kinda battle going on. So, me being me, I figure on joining up with the winning side. Pretended to be MCSF, saved the day, drove off some lame throwback Decepticon cassette.
- Two of them got injured real bad in the battle, Tigatron and Airazor. The big red Optimus-looking one is all panicky, but I'm all, hey, I got this, and trans-phased them together into one unified consciousness. Turns out it was tres easy to do, they'd had experience that state of being before. So their leader is all "the Vok have sent us a guardian angel," and I'm all, "hells yeah they did!" And that's when the long con starts.
- Good times!
Q: Dear Sideways,
What do you know about the Dark Gods and the Light Gods? What about the Chronarchitect/Ruler of Space and Time?
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A: Dear Rank Rodent,
More'n you ever will, loser.
Q: Dear V̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶r̶i̶m̶e̶ Sideways,
Is Beta, Solus Prime?
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A: Dear Decaying Dimwit,
Is who, who? Ah, what the frag. Sure, Beaker is Solsbury Prime if that powers up your engines.
Q: Dear Sideways,
Will you sell Vector Prime's sword or use it yourself?
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A: Dear Lazy Larvae,
Why, you on the market? I'd let it go for 250,000 shanix.
Q: Dear Sideways,
Assuming you're not the reason they're missing and/or extinct, what happened to the Primes not killed by the Fallen in Aligned Continuity?
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A: Dear Cranky Critter,
Bad assumption.
July 7, 2015
Q: Dear Sideways,
Why do you think that you're some kind of a big shot?
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A: Dear Tedious Tilapia,
I dunno, maybe because I've wrecked a couple of dozen realities and a couple of hundred planets and off-lined a couple of thousand Cybertronians and I've got a member of the Thirteen tied up in my basement getting slowly dissolved into a puddle of component metals. How about you, you accomplish anything in your short, nasty, brutish life? How long do humans live again, a couple 'a hundred years? Pathetic.
Q: Dear Sideways,
According to Vector Prime, you were in the Rovio Cluster. Were you called "Sideways Pig" there?
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A: Dear Meaningless Millipede,
I rather fancied myself Road Hog. Strange place, but it too shall feel the yolk of Planet X's cruel tyranny. But let's move on, Rovio questions boar me. I have more confusion and despair to sow.
Q: Dear Sideways,
Where do YOU think Optimus Primes Trailer goes?
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A: Dear Obscene Orangutan,
The more important question is 'how did he keep finding it?' Every time I'd find it in subspace, I'd take to to Skarvros and sell it on the black market. But then sure enough. There's Optimus Prime with the fraggin' trailer again. And leaving it on the side of the road again. One more trip to Skarvros, eh? Need any powered Nebulan kidneys or Narliphant tusks?
Q: Dear Sideways,
What countermeasures does Unicron's body have against scraplets?
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A: Dear Ludicrous Locust,
Don't worry, the Archduke of Destruction has a rich ecosystem inside his body. Scraplets wouldn't get too far in there. Spark, I've even seen Battle Beasts holed up inside His Majesty!
Q: Dear Sideways,
What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?
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A: Dear Witless Wasp,
I dunno, probably take a gear shredder to your lungs. Like my buddy Soundwave used to say, "cries and screams are music to my audio receptors." Hmmm... can one scream out of tune? Wanna try?
(Hey, what can I say, I take my musical entertainment VERY seriously!)
Q: Dear Sideways,
Have you ever encountered The Doctor in your wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey travels?
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A: Dear Stupefied Spidermonkey,
What, Scalpel? Who do you think patched me up after Oilwipe gave me a bit of the ol' slice & dice? But no matter, I didn't let that get me down. I've always been more of an oilcan-half-full kinda bot.
Q: Dear Sideways,
Are you trustworthy?
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A: Dear Crazy Clownfish,
Of COURSE I'm trustworthy. In fact, I've got a spacebridge that I'd be happy to sell you dirt cheap. Plus, you ever have any mechanical problems with it, I built the creator right into it and everything! Don't let the fact that it only looks like half a bridge fool you, the other half is on another planet. Feature, not a bug.
- Q: Oh sweet! I'll just need to get some extra cash for that, do you recommend I go a loan from this Doubleface guy?
- Ask Sideways THAT crook?
Q: Dear Sideways,
What do you know about Violen Jiger, Devil Z, and Dark Nova?
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A: Dear Dumbaft Drone,
I know enough not to mess with 'em!
July 8, 2015
Q: Dear General Sideways,
Why did you plunge Alpha Supreme and it's crew into a black hole?
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A: Dear Animated Anteater,
A, they had me captured and I knew I could use the singularity to slingshot me to the Tyran Cluster but they'd get spat out Pit-knows where, and B, who doesn't enjoy plunging into the depth of a strange and exotic new gravity well from time to time?
- Q: Might you know where/when they did happen to be spit out?
- Ask Sideways Don't know, don't care
Q: Dear Sideways,
Of all the various bodies and forms you've ever had, which do you consider your favorite?
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A: Dear Inane Isotope,
Hahahahaha! I have a glitchy feeling that if I answer this question the way it's phrased, I would get blocked by the Axiom Nexus auto-censors again...
https://www.facebook.com/AxiomNewsRook/posts/943448352365452
- Rook - Axiom Nexus News: Investigative Journalist
- This just in!
- Slightly under a megacycles ago, OZSA agents launched a siege on where the TransTech Ministry of Higherdimensional Science had traced an odd series of transmissions, short encoded bursts that were making their way all the way to the Quadwal Cluster. Notable visitors from the Quadwal Cluster, in fact the ONLY visitors from the Quadwal cluster I've been able to identify, are Octus and Megadeath... wait, I thought those were Malgus 'bots. Groudbreak, double-check on that for me, would you?
- Minister Rhinox had this to say: "We were tracking the hyper-phased tachyon packet transmissions ever since Vector Prime was abducted last decacycle, some of which kept tripping our auto-censors, in the hopes that it would lead us to Sideways. Looks like we lucked out."
- With this information, Offworlder Zone Security Administrator and friend of the network Cheetor himself carried out a tactical blitz on the facility, located in the heart of the Indirect Reclamation Zone, colloquially known as the Heap, a no-bot's land where law enforcement seldom ventures.
- Let's go live to our reporter on-the-ground. Romy?
- Andromeda: Thank you, Rook. As you can see from the energy field behind me, there's an A.T. Field protecting the fortress. So far, OZSA agents haven't had any luck breaching it.
- Rook: A.T. Field, Romy?
- Andromeda: Absolute Terror Field, Rook, and apparently aptly named. They seem to have been back-doored into Axiom Nexus from an extra-multiversal source due to a recent quantum alignment event.
- Rook: Interesting. Any estimates on how long until the compound is finally breached?
- Andromeda: Hard to say, Rook. Administrator Cheetor is attempting to dust off a Vortex Grinder from storage.
- Rook: He would have needed High Senate authorization for that. That's pretty far to go for just a harmless old quack.
- Andromeda: In any event... wait, I see Cheetor now. Cheetor, any luck getting authorization for a Vortex Grinder?
- Cheetor: Not yet, but we've got our new Mini-Con Rook--no relation--looking into legal precedent.
- Andromeda: Do you think that'll work?
- Cheetor: If it's not a full-on sphere, we'll dig him out. If it is, we'll think of something. OZSA always gets our bot.
- Andromeda: Any word on how Sideways was able to capture Vector Prime in the first place?
- Cheetor: Signs point to a leak that came from inside your network, most likely one of your interns.
- Andromeda: ...
- Stungun: Ma'am, please step back and let the Administrator get to work. We've got a hostage to rescue.
- Andromeda: There you have it. A compound under siege, and the Security Administration stymied. Back to you, Rook.
- Rook: Exciting stuff. We'll keep you posted.
OK, getting a little tired of the TransTech trying to bust into my fortress here. And the Pit-Damned senile old fool STILL hasn't broken! Maybe a few more of your questions will be enough to take my mind off of the stress, relax a bit. Ah, here's one from Walky, he's been amusing so far.
Q: Dear Tarantulas,
Which of your fellow Predacons smells the worst?
A: https://www.facebook.com/AskVectorPrime/videos/690030301128943/
- Rook - Axiom Nexus News: Investigative Journalist
- More news on the Sideways situation. We're getting word that the compound has been breached! Romy, how did it happen?
- Andromeda: Unknown at this time. The Vortex Grinder authorization bill had just gone through when the AT Field came down on its own.
- Rook: Could this be some kind of trick?
- Andromeda: Administrator Cheetor certainly isn't taking any chances. His forces are gearing up now and... I see someone walking out of the compound! It's... It's Vector Prime!
- Rook: Did he fight his way free?
- Andromeda: Vector Prime, sir! How did you manage to free yourself from Sideways?
- Vector Prime: Oh, my, I'm not sure. The rude young 'Bot who kept asking me all those questions had his head just explode. Nothing I did. I... Solus, is that you?
- Andromeda: I'm your colleague, Andromeda, sir.
- Vector Prime: Andromeda... I've been to a galaxy called Andromeda once. Lovely place. Drank some Starfire Fuel there when I was only five billion stellar cycles old.
- Cheetor: Let's let the old bot have some rest.
- Andromeda: Administrator, any comment on--
- Cheetor: Look, my office will make a statement in a few megacycles. For now, let us do our jobs. We still have a fugitive to apprehend.
- Rook: Romy, go in after them!
- Andromeda: Me? In a combat situation?
- Rook: Are you a reporter or not? Besides, how scary can a bot with no head be?
- Andromeda: *Gulp* Going in now, after the tac team. I... I see the body! Vector Prime wasn't exaggerating, his head seems to have been blown clean off! I... Cheetor, what is your Mini-Con doing?
- Cheetor: Rook, get away from the body!
- Sideways: Hahahaha! You didn't think decapitation would stop me, did you?
- Andromeda: He's a Headmaster!
- Stungun: Sir, he's got a Dimensional Interfacer!
- Cheetor: Damn! Damn damn damn. Looks like he got away.
- Andromeda: It would seem that ANN isn't the only organization with questionable Mini-Cons in it. In any event, the situation as it stands is Vector Prime rescued, only slightly worse for wear, Sideways escaped. Back to you, Rook.
- Rook: Thank you, Romy. Well, that certainly seems like an awfully well-protected fortress for just one crazy old advice columnist. We at Axiom Nexus News will not rest until we get to the bottom--
- Axiom Nexus News Editor: ROOK!
- Rook: ... we're just glad to have Vector Prime back. This is Rook, and that's part of our galaxy tonight.
