Tucker Carlson
“Even nerds won't wear bow ties.”
Tucker Carlson was once the world's leading bow-tie manufacturer. Its eponymous founder, following the demise of his television fame, now leads a life on Twitter with Elon Musk.
Tucker - The early years[edit]
Tucker Carlson born Tuckerington Behedgement Carlstrom is perhaps most famous for his short lived career as a TV Muppet. He is the son of a leading porn fluffer, and an heir to the Oscar Meyer weiner fortune. Despite this, it has never been proven that he smells like corn dogs, as he is not from Louisiana. Tucker's rise to prominence coincided with Pee Wee Herman's fall from grace, as it is widely believed that only one bow-tie can be transmitted over the airwaves at any given moment (The Mobius Theory).
Tucker grows up, but Star Wars is still nerdy[edit]
Carlson challenged Supreme Court Justice Jon Stewart to a duel after Stewart quipped that Carlson was obviously a lesbian dressed as a man. Carlson, who is actually a lesbian, reacted strongly to this revealed secret and attacked Stewart with his red light saber. Unknown to Carlson, Stewart was trained in the ways of the Schwartz and wielded a blue light-saber with much greater prowess than his attacker. Also, Carlson's bowtie got in the way. In desperation, Carlson attempted to use his evil Force Lightning on Stewart but Stewart deflected it back on Carlson. Struck by his own attack, Carlson was left weak, girly and scared with the incredibly crappy haircut he sports today. The victorious Stewart demanded Carlson wear a thong for the rest of his life and never appear on the hit sit-com Crossfire. Carlson complied and replaced it with a life of drunken obscurity.
Tucker goes on a binge[edit]
After being dumped by the entire nation of Canada for being "sweet and retarded", Carlson went on a five month-long kitten huffing binge. He was found wandering the streets of New York pining away for Canada in a slur. At that moment, Ann Coulter swooped in and literally sucked him off the street, storing him in "her" Adam's Apple as "she" took him away to Utah and checked him into a Mormon rehab centre.
Tucker certified as Retard[edit]
After many years of thinking himself as a genius, Tucker Carlson has been certified as a retard. The announcement was no surprise to Tucker's Mother, who knew for years, but hid the truth to protect her son's image as a pompous idiot.
"Little tucker never did act right" Mrs. Carlson told reporters "his balls still haven’t dropped, and I still have to cut the crusts off his jelly sandwiches." “that's my little Carlson. He tries hard, but no matter what he says nobody likes him, and the truth that he is a retard becomes very clear very fast”
CNN declined to comment on the report, but regarding Tucker’s firing said it had taken appropriate action firing Tucker and replacing his spot on cross fire with a loud lawn mower. “Audiences don’t generally like a loud gas guzzling machine on a national news program, but they oddly did not write to complain” Could there have been a connection?
Tucker on a Friday night[edit]
Carlson is wiley like a lone coyote howling into an empty cave atop a chasm in the backwoods of Montana on a dark night when it's cold and snowing. He can pee long distances onto brush in a jungle surrounded by monkeys, caves and waterfall. His metaphors are as cunning as a fish swimming in deep water off the fresh water cold water coasts of Labrador in late fall.
Carlson is indeed one special person, with special needs, he says special things, and talks to special people, about special... things, and that is just special... look at me, I'm the big celeberty, feel me, need me, people listen to me, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD I WEAR A BOW TIE. OH MOTHER OF LORD I WEAR A BOW TIE, WHO WEARS A FREAKING BOW TIE, I'M A FREAK, HERE I AM ON A FRIDAY NIGHT WRITING ABOUT MYSELF! THIS IS PATHETIC, HOW DO I SLEEP AT NIGHT? TIME FOR SOME MORE PILLS!
Tucker on Tucker getting fired by Fox[edit]
How was that possible? After everything Tucker had done for Fox! So, okay, he did go on a bit about ballot readers having Ethernet sockets and that proves they were hacked to steal the 2020 election that rightfully belonged to Donald Trump. But hadn't all the staff flogged this for ratings? Oh...Dominion Systems won a libel case over it.
But Carlson is bigger than lawsuits. Bigger than Fox. Bigger than anyone.
Tucker Carlson reporting.
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